I'm stupid !!!

[Tia2005]

I feel so stupid I'm a single parent my 9 year old never had any contact with her dad i met someone 2 years ago we don't live together but we did plan to I'm now pregnant and things have gone wrong and we've split up looks like I will be doing it again ALONE I feel so stupid

Hi Tia

Firstly, don't be so hard on yourself. With every good will in the world, things don't always go to plan. However we can adapt ourselves to any given situation, so secondly don't despair.

Does your recent partner know that you are pregnant?

Just because you are no longer together, its not a given that he won't be interested in his child. OK, if he does know, he might be slightly bricking it, but once he's over the shock, he might have a different view on things.

Does he have a mum and dad that he has a relationship with, if so they will be grandparents eventually and they may well be delighted (obviously I don't know any of your back-story so I am just surmising at this stage. You mentioned that you were together 2-years and were planning to get married, so it was a pretty established relationship even though its not worked out, it doesn't necessarily mean you can't co-parent. Again, I know nothing of your story so I'm just making suggestions based on what you've written.

Does your ex have siblings that you have developed relationships with during the time of your relationship with your ex?

Being a single mum IS hard, I know I've been there and chosen to be single for the last 12 years as for me I haven't wanted to get involved with anyone, and to be honest I found juggling a child enough without having to juggle a relationship as well - but that is just my preference.

Maybe share a little more information and then I can try and advise further based on that?

Hi Tia

You're not stupid. You were in love, you thought you had a future with someone and you took things fairly slowly as I see it (2 years and had not moved in together).

Unfortunately things haven't worked out as you had hoped. That happens to lots of people in all kinds of relationships and while they, and you, may feel stupid at the time it is not the case at all.

And now you find you are pregnant. The reality is you already know just how tough it is doing this one your own and you are clearly concerned at the idea of doing that again. But the difference is you also know you can do it and your wonderful dd proves that.

It may be that this man chooses to be part of your new baby's life to some degree. Or he may not. You can't really know that you are going to be doing this all on your own again until you have discussed it with him. It sounds like you believe that you won't be together as a couple, but that doesn't mean you'll be the only parent in your child's life. There are pros and cons to both options. You have already manage well on your own and so your experience this time around may be very different to that you've had bringing up your dd regardless of whether this man chooses to be involved or not.

Have you told him yet? If not are you going to? If so what was his reaction? Remember his first reaction may not be how he actually feels once he has had time to think about it. Just as your first reaction here may not be once you have time to think a bit more about everything.

Take small steps and don't be worrying too much about how you think the next 9 or so years may be just yet. They will come in due course and who knows what will happen in that time. For now you just need to concentrate on the here and now and in which direction this next part of your life's journey you will be taking.

You are a capable and loving person, and you can do this. Whatever this turns out to be. Be kind to yourself and hold your dd close. Stay strong.