depressed single parent

[missabc123]

hey, I've not posted on any forums before, but i'm getting a bit desperate and lonely...

I'm a single parent of a 2 year old boy, rarely see anyone as I have cut myself off from most of my friends (I don't know any mums locally and I don't feel like meeting any just now) due to some very personal issues...I'm on a waiting list for NHS counselling so hope that will come up soon.

split up with my little one's dad 5 months after he was born (pregnancy wasn't planned) as he was being emotionally abusive due to going through a breakdown himself. He has long term serious mental health and physical health issues and is not working or providing any support via finances to me, and little practical support. He has so many issues of his own that my issues have been sidelined twhile we have tried to sort them out (I have given up on most of my efforts as they all seem to be wasted).

I have to watch out a bit when my ex is around as he can be in a strange habit mode and has OCD, anxiety etc and it's all I can get him to do to help with washing up (he is pretty depressed himself). He comes around a few nights a week to help with the little one and has gotten a lot nicer over the last year or so since he can communicate with him.

He has been a lot better and nicer to me of late and can be good to talk to but as he is depressed and has his own mental health issues it's a bit like having a black cloud around the house as he literally doesn't do anything other than play with the little one. There are also moments when he gets really angry with me for trying to get him to sort his life out a bit and nasty and passive aggressive - throwing it all back in my face even though I do everything for the little one and tons for him too. Unfortunately he can't get a job due to his illness and to be honest I feel like he is living off me most of the time as he rarely gives money for food, never cooks, rarely helps with housework etc. (He is on benefits himself but has next to no cash and owes me loads of money). He lives like a pauper in a small flat that's a complete state and only comes this way to see the little one. He is basically my only company other than my toddler.

I just feel like it's groundhog day! The little one is lovely but I had a severely traumatic birth (Emergency CS after a week long labour) followed by a relationship breakdown and no help with the little one. The aftermath was horrific and I think I still have PND (I got some counselling a year ago but it was very short term). Thank god babies get easier....

I am working part time self employed in a reasonable job (although am pretty bored of it) that pays reasonably well for the hours I do but am stuck at home on my own most of the time - have to work around limited nursery hours etc. I always feel like I am running on empty in terms of meeting deadlines, looking after little one, household admin, cooking, cleaning, etc. Basically it's difficult to find time for myself as I am always busy yet it's always with boring stuff and it's driving me crazy.

At the moment I don't feel like I can resurrect friendships before i go through some counselling and get help myself so I am really isolated. I have been out one evening since the little one was born two years ago. I cannot trust my ex to look after him properly for reasonable amounts of time due to his own mental health problems.

I really am trying hard to turn things around but it feels like it takes ages to change anything when you have so many responsibilities and a young child. I take him out and stuff, but it's boring doing stuff on my own with him (I don't have family locally) and if I want his dad to come I have to pay for anything - he is basically the poorest man on earth.

I am sleep deprived, bored, lonely and exhausted. It seems just one or two little things can set me off into anxiety and depression and stress for the whole day. I have tried joining the gym but am yet to find time to go on a regular basis. My career is about the only thing keeping me going and I am bored of that. I'm tired of shouldering the entire responsibility of being a carer, provider, cleaner worker, mum etc basically on my own.

I try really hard to go to bed early, get up early, but can't seem to shift my sleeping patterns with success and am just exhausted most of the time (a bit easier now little one is older).

Please tell me it gets easier... :)

God I feel your pain. I was a single mum since my DS was 5 months. At the time I enjoyed it because I became close to two other single mums with DCs the same age.
I'm a single mum again now though - DS is now 11, met exDP when he was 3 but we've split recently - and I'm finding it so fucking lonely and life so boring and relentless. And I do have friends just it's hard to see them.
You have to make friends. You like people you are sociable and need to communicate. Go and do some kid stuff andante friends. Stop being your ex's carer when you feel ready.
Btw I think you will get more responses in relationships.

And make friends sorry typo.

Oh you poor thing. You have gone through the mill. It is no wonder that you feel so miserable.
I can only reassure you that things will get better. Every month that goes by your DC is getting older and it won't be long before he will sleep well. He will soon be able to talk to you which will relieve much of his frustration.
You will get free nursery time.
Just hang on, take it a day at a time and believe it is going to get better,and it WILL.
You deserve a break. ??

Can you squeeze in a play group once a week? Good for meeting other mums and usually gets you a cuppa and a biscuit.

Big hugs. Being a single parent is tough and you're coping remarkably well. You have a job, you're caring for your ds, and you are seeking the help you know you need.

One thing I would say here is that you seem to be frustrated by your ex's lack of help. If he was taking ds to his place or elsewhere then he wouldn't be helping with washing up, chores etc in your home. It may be that you prefer him having your ds there so you can keep an eye on them both given his problems. Especially given what you say of his own place.

It is hard I know but perhaps you could try and stop hoping your ex will ever help with these thing (because it sounds like he won't). Most absent parents would spend their contact time with the child not doing the ex's chores. So instead of being frustrated by his lack of help, take comfort in the fact he is there for your ds and they are enjoying each other's company. Because it doesn't sound like he's going to do anything more that be there to see your ds so you are setting yourself up for a fall every time you hope or expect he will. I can certainly relate to one more furstration sending you into a downward spiral. So if you can accept that this is how it is then you can hopefully avoid his lack of help as being something that may end up tipping you over the edge on any given day.

You also say you have no time for you. Unfortunately that happens with toddlers that you can't take your eyes off. That is definitely one things that will get better in time. For now can you maybe find things that you want to do that you can do with your ds. If you need some quiet time why not see if the library has a story time. Or try a soft play place you can enjoy together. If the gym is tough why not make the effort to get out walking instead. It costs less and you can teach your ds so much just be observing the things you see on your walk. Some time with him running round at the park on the way will wear him out and then you can get your exercise pushing him in the buggy back home.

What things do you enjoy that you want to make time for again. If you let us know we may be able to think up some ways for you to manage to do them with your ds.

Keep strong, hug your ds, and come here for support. Things will get easier in time.

Talk to your hv about what services groups etc can help you
Stop trying to help your ex. he has to do that. But maybe eg there is a dads and toddler group where he could be with your dc. So tus not at your hpuse always.
Check out local libraries etc for groups.
Talk to other parents at work and nursery invite someone for a play date. You don't have to become best friends instantly but you can develop friendships thru your dc .

hey everyone, many thanks for all the useful suggestions and support :) I really appreciate it.

I know I need to meet other mums and make friends, but at the moment until I have gotten some counselling I don't feel like I can (I can't really go into it!). It's all part of my personal issues that have made my situation really bad.

I think I had severe postnatal depression when little one was born that wasn't helped by the situation with my ex and so on. I don't know how bad my situation is compared to the "norm" but at times life feels really black and bleak. I don't want to whine about it, it's just nice to get it out by writing it and maybe getting a bit of support.

Gillybean - You are right regarding dropping my expectations of my ex and what he might do and I have done that a lot over the last two years...! The only reason I want him to help out a bit more is he has to stay over to see the little one (in the spare room) which means sometimes several nights a week he is staying but not lifting a finger in terms of housework or contributing to food costs nor cooking which adds tons to my workload :(. He has such strange personal habits and moods due to his condition that freak me out when I am already feeling vulnerable. So it's a case of tolerating these or being completely alone, and I'd rather have him to talk to sometimes despite his oddness.

Unfortunately due to his health issues he lives an unpredictable schedule that means he has to sleep through the day a lot so staying over makes contact time much easier. It also gives me someone to talk to of an evening.... but he is getting nicer towards me than he has been over the past few years, thank goodness.

I just worry that I am really sinking low into deep depression. I am hopeful that my counselling comes up soon though.

I find it hard to find joy in anything much. I am concentrating on sorting out my house, getting work done and doing little things to improve my situation. I think sometimes the sheer volume of stuff to be done overwhelms me as well as the relentless nature of parenting.

Toddler is getting more fun though as he gets older. I just also feel a bit cut off from him due to my own mental health issues, at a time I should be bonding and enjoying him. It feels like a role play a lot of the time rather than real life.

I might give the samaritans a call soon as talking to someone might help. I am going to make a determined effort to leave the house more and do more stuff, especially as the weather improves... and give yoga a go (if I can find the time!!).

I am determined to get better and be a good mum. Thank you everyone...

xx

Have only skim read this as it's not one I feel qualified to help with BUT
I am determined to get better and be a good mum

You already are a good mum - a great mum. Read back what you have written - you are providing a loving home single handedly whilst coping with not just your own issues but also your ex's AND you're looking at ways to make life better for you and your son.

Scub becoming a good mum - you are already an AMAZING mum

thanks so much foslady - appreciate it so much

when you're isolated, especially with young children, it feels like nothing is changing as everything takes so long (!) but in reality i have put in so much hard work over the last couple of years - I have got to take stock of that a bit more and pat myself on the back.

I've been feeling a bit better the last few days. I really do hope parenting little ones gets a bit easier. I find toddlers such hard work and I only have the one!!

maybe it's a lack of patience....I think I am gonna enjoy the slightly older children ages a bit more - at least I hope so! That said, I'm trying not to let this time pass me by - it goes in waves of good and bad!!

hope you are having a lovely week so far - may it be a great one for all of us... :) xx