Seeking your experiences and reassurance

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Hi,

Going through the shit with H and on the verge of filing for divorce.
I have dd 2.5 and DS 5months.
Flat is in u name alone.

I have been putting money aside to study. It's a home study course. AAT 2&3. My mum could help to look after the kids once a week so I could study. With the end goal being that by the time DS qualifies for nursery/preschool or school I could gain PT or flexitime employment at a decent wage.
I have a council flat and hope to one day be able to get a mortgage.

I just want to know how tough this is all going to be alone.
I'm not deciding whether to stay with H simply cos it might make the above easier. Cos I would be unhappy and it isn't fair on the kids but I just need to understand what is coming my way.

If any of you have anything you want to share with me I would really appreciate it.
Have you managed to study, graduate, gain decent employment, juggle that with small young dc, and buy your own property? Or am I being unrealistic?

Flat is in MY name alone. Not u...

sometimes things get easier on your own....depends on the relationship.

In my case I found although I was on paper even poorer, in fact I could (and do) manage because no-one else spent anything! Time is an issue. I have 4 and am self employed. I haven't studied but I imagine you would have to be very very disciplined about time use, less house-proud (if you are) and extremely focussed on your end goal.

You could consider attending a local college for the course as you would (probably) qualify for help with nursery fees and this might get you into a good head space for study then use Mum for extra time.

Most things are possible as a single parent. Takes more time and discipline and planning...but possible.

The main thing is to know that there is no such thing as a perfect life/relationship/parent and as a LP you are forever robbing peter to pay paul and there will be hard choices. But then thaqt is often tru with a partner too.

Best wishes
Fool

depends on how bad it is, whether there is abuse, (how bad was the shouting when you told him you wanted him to leave?) whether you think the marriage can improve enough to make it worth it to stay.

It isn't so much the shouting as the 'your wrong and just asking stuff to argue' or 'your just talking to talk cos u can't just 'be' '
Or 'we have kids together and ur just trying to cause trouble to be stupid'......

i find the relationships board quite good for teasing out the abuse and working out whether it is ltb territory.

sounds like a lot of put downs there.

if a relationship is abusive, i think it is more harmful for th children to stay in it than to live in a single parent household.

I'm a student LP and work 30 hrs a week (p/t degree). Honestly, it's tough, there are not enough hours in the day. Saying that, it is doable, it's just a matter of prioritising and developing good time management skills.
One thing that always throws a spanner in the works for me is illness, ds seems to have a knack of falling ill at the worst times- right before exams/night before I started uni etc. I'm not sure I could do it without supportive parents, they often take ds for days here and there especially near exam time which is a massive help.
Sorry bit long winded but basically if you have support around you it's a lot easier and presumably your dc would spend time at their dad's giving you time to study.

The emotional response to separation \ divorce is immense I find, even if it is expected and wanted. I separated from my ex 2y ago. We had children 1y & 5y. After 3m I started a post grad course and was working part time. It was hard but with discipline I managed. The sense of achievement after was great.

I found I was better off when we split but I may an exception. I am also saving for a mortgage. There really is light out there xx