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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Do I really have that little say about access?

15 replies

Wantmylifeback · 29/01/2015 20:19

Bit of background, split for my exDf almost 1 yr ago his choice. Have a 3 yr old Dd together. She mainly resides with me, I take care of her daily needs, health care, nursery etc.

Access has been a voluntary basis up until now, he had her Ew Friday till Sunday 5pm, we agreed a change about 4 months ago to him having her 3 weekends, same hours, and her with me one weekend and all week days.

Things have become very uncivilised between us due to his selfish demands and sees me as dictating although this is something we both agreed. Also sometimes he asks for extra nights and if this fits with my daughters plans then fine but if not again if I say no, I'm dictating.

We have now gotten solicitors involved and are beginning to try and reach an agreement that is best for our dd but he is only thinking of himself. I proposed Ew Friday 5pm until Sunday 12pm. Giving him time with her while he is off work but still some quality time with me. He did not agree, wants 3 nights Friday 5pm until Monday, he works MOn - FRi 8-5 which means my dd is being woken early to be brought home so he can go to work for this extra night, meaning there is no real extra quality time gained for him. I did not agree to this but he just won't bring her back Sunday and says he is keeping her end of....

Can he do that? Do I not get a say in how long my 3yr old is out of her home?

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 29/01/2015 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KristinaM · 29/01/2015 20:38

so you think this is about his child support payments ?

jamtoast12 · 29/01/2015 20:41

I would no way agree to that weekend set up or even similar. It'll be very soon before she starts school and you won't get any quality time for her. In fact you'll be left with all the school homework tasks, endless after school activities and never see her, he'll get proper one to one at weekend. I'd agree to fri 5pm til sun 10am with one night in the week, say 5pm and he drops her at school. You both need a day at the weekend or you'll massively lose out. You'll basically be the babysitter!

Original poster

Wantmylifeback · 29/01/2015 20:44

I didn't think about child support payments. I think he wants to see his daughter as much as he can but fails to see that big picture that it's about her not him. He is not putting her needs first. She isn't too keen on going but I make it sound like a good idea and I know she is keen to come home by Sunday but he keeps her for his benefit not hers, what can I do to regain some kind of say in this?

And quite honestly from a selfish point of view I get absolutely no quality time with my own daughter.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wantmylifeback · 29/01/2015 20:47

Do I need to just let him please himself until it is legalised?

He just plainly refuses to bring her back, so what can I do? Denying access is an absolute last resort but I feel backed into a corner until it is in writing as at the moment I am just the glorified babysitter.

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBags · 29/01/2015 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 29/01/2015 23:05

You have a lot of say here. He doesn't get to dictate as your DD is entitled to quality time with both of you.

If you believe he's doing it because he wants to see her, rather than resorting to denying access altogether because he won't bring her back until he pleases, deny him access until Saturday PM instead.

alabastergirl · 29/01/2015 23:13

every other weekend is standard - not every weekend.

KristinaM · 30/01/2015 08:11

I just wondered if he wanted to have her three night a week so he didn't have to pay any child support

I'm amazed at the number of separating /divorcing dads who have only looked after their children alone for a few hours a month , then suddenly want to do 50% of the parenting when they spit up from the mum

Quesera21 · 30/01/2015 09:04

I am the glorified baby sitter - do not go there OP!!

You want every other weekend yourself. Once school starts your life and time with her will be v different.

I do 95% of the child care then in parachutes Dad, no homework, fun, presents etc and I am the evil mother from hell on earth!! But I love a quiet weekend with them, no clubs, we make cookies, find a film, play sodding minecraft order in pizza- (yes I can and I am older than 7!!!)

Seriously, he had them last weekend - no homework done from Fri-Sun, so it was in the front door and evil mother appeared, was livid with him - I knew I sounded like an old battle axe but..... Monday - homework, tuesday homework, clean your room, have a bath, where are your dirty clothes, eat oyur tea, get off the X box, stop fighting with your sister - it gets really old. Remember your time will be 0700 - 0815 school drop off - yippee not a stressful time at all and then 1530 - 1900 - homework, bath tea, out of school activity - crap.

Every other weekend and one day during the week - you need fun time with your DC. Go back to solicitor and fight.

HolgerDanske · 30/01/2015 09:11

Yep, every other weekend.

fattymcfatfat · 30/01/2015 09:16

Quesera! Minecraft! I know that feeling haha!. OP do not let him have every weekend or if he does want every weekendthen you need one of the weekend days with your dd!

Sethspeaks · 30/01/2015 13:02

Yes definitely go for alternate weekends. Speak to your solicitor about his threats to keep her and keep any texts etc. Make a note of everything that is happening in a diary.

Starlightbright1 · 30/01/2015 18:37

Another go to the solicitor... You do need a plan to look at how it will work once at school...Even if you have every evening free..They are often tired grumpy , and far worse in recpetion...

Also Reception lots of party invites come your way. It sounds like he won't take DD so she will miss them all if you don't get weekends.

3xcookedchips · 02/02/2015 18:16

Rather than run to a solicitor at this stage and burn money unnecessarily, why don't you draw up a child focused parenting plan. Send it to him as a proposal and then let him object with the reasons for those objections.

At least you have shown you are being reasonable. If either of you disagree suggest mediation - a lot cheaper than a solicitor and may focus his mind. Only then when mediation isn't working do you make an application for court.

Refusing to hand over/back your child is not being child focused and will easily be construed as using your child as a pawn in.

Getting solicitors involved at this stage may ratchet up the conflict and tensions - and neither of you want to end up in court, because both of will will end up with an order neither of you will like.

Unless he has the ability to take your daughter to school on a Monday then he will have difficulty arguing for that Sunday overnight.

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