struggling

[bellabuchanan28]

I'm 24 and have a 3 year old son. I went into this alone knowing the father wouldn't want any part of it. At the start I was happy with this because I knew that having a baby was what I wanted and I had a great support system. However things took a horrid turn when my son was born at 28 weeks. I couldn't cope. And then my mother had a spinal injury which resulted in her loosing her job. Fast forward to now and I am living in temp accommodation miles away from where I grew up up and from my friends/family. My son attends nursery in my old area so have a 4 hour commute M -F. I'm not where I wanted to be in my life. I feel like a failure and the worst mother. I can't cope. I haven't left my home in 3 days and luckily my mother has been taking my son so nursery. I have suffered depression in the past when I had a very late TOP which I didn't want when I was 16. I often leave for a few days and leave my son with my mother. I have an appointment with my gp on the 20th but I just can't continue living like this. I'm not sure if I should contact SS. I adore my son and want the absolute best for him and that's not me. I can't offer him anything but disappointment.

go to your GP today, ask for urgent appt.

call Samaritans and talk it all thru so you have some immediate support.
Ss can help you but maybe go via GP and make it clear what you asking for .

where do you go when you leave for a few days?

it is good your son has his grandma in his life too - you need some help tho for your mental health.

I go and stay with friends and forget about my responsibilities for a while. I am so thankful I have my mom but she is now finding it hard as she doesn't understand depression and has the view that it's just a fleeting feeling that will pass if she gives me tough loves... which only makes me feel worse. Thank you for your reply. Just speaking to someone helps me feel not so alone.

ask for counselling. talk about wanting to forget responsibilities.... is that realistic with a baby? everyone needs a break but you cant forget your responsibilities - are you on call in case of emergency when you go off? if baby got sick would you rush back?

speak to hv about support

if your mum couldn't do this what would you do?
would you like SS to give you breaks with a foster carer for your baby?

Hi Bella, you poor thing sounds like you've had a really rough few years. Is your son healthy or does he have some health issues as a result of being born early?

I'd second pp in that you need to see your GP urgently as the first thing to do is get your mood under control. If you phone up and ask for an urgent appointment they should give you one. You may have to say 'yes it's an emergency' and say you don't want to go into details but it's to do with your mental health. I really recognise that feeling of not being able to cope and just wanting to run away, but anti-depressants have been effective at managing that for me. Anxiety is one of the main symptoms of depression and not being able to leave the house could be related to that?

Is it worth changing your son's nursery? And could you arrange a regular rota of when your mum can help so you have some time off without feeling you have to run away?

Hi OP these are for you.

You are not a failure. You are not a bad mummy. You are not a disappointment.

You are admitting you are struggling to cope and that takes a lot of courage. You love your little boy and that's all he needs just now, a mummy who loves him, he has a home and I am sure he is clean and well fed. The fact that you are considering what is best for your DS long term speaks volumes.
Please, please, please do not make any serious decisions just now until you are feeling a little better.
Is your little boy happy? Remember he doesn't know your thoughts only how you are with him, what you say to him and how you treat him.
Your mum has taken him to nursery so he hasn't missed out and your not letting him down because you couldn't take him.
Please see your GP asap and tell them how you feel.

I have been there. I had a total breakdown in my late 20's and never left the house for a year. It was a desperate and dark time for me. It took a long time but I got better. You can do this! Not all at once, but one little baby step at a time. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. Repeat after me you are worth it, you can do this!!!!!!!!!
Hugs to you x