Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Children meeting their new half-sibling. Please help!

23 replies

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 13:03

Hi, my ex has had a new baby with his partner. He doesn't want me to go with them to meet the new baby, but I really feel I should. Has anybody had any experience with this, and can advise me? I've searched for advice on the internet but can't find any. Can anybody help as I feel this could be a very emotive issue?

Many thanks.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 12/01/2015 13:08

emotive for you or for them?
how old are they?

why should you go? it is their half sibling but not a relative to you...if you are on good terms with ex might be nice but otherwise let them meet their sibling and let them talk about it afterwards. if they want to. don't push them...

just treat it as totally normal and expected. (even if that is not what you personally feel)

m0therofdragons · 12/01/2015 13:11

No you shouldn't be there, that would be weird. It's a special time for your ex and his new partner and their opportunity to introduce his dc to his new baby.
I can't imagine his new partner would want the ex hanging around just after childbirth.

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 13:14

Emotive for everybody, I think. A friend who is a family psychologist thinks I should go, just so my children can share it with me as well and then be able to talk to me about their new sibling. I have been treating it as normal and exciting, and don't know how to take it further. I'm afraid that they could feel they are being pushed away by their father, he won't have them to stay anymore because there is no room for them because of the new baby and I just want to support them as best I can.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 13:15

True, mother of dragons, I agree. I'm not suggesting I meet the new mother though, just the baby for five minutes as I drop my children off?

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 12/01/2015 13:20

Would you leave your new born baby? I just wouldn't do it especially for the ex. I really feel it is important you talk about the baby a bit (not overly though) to show you are fine with it (even if you're not). And chat to the dc after but don't force them. This is part of their life but not yours. I know it's an odd thing but you being there is more likely to put your dc and their dad on edge rather than it being an exciting fun thing. Dc often behave how they think we want them to so with you there they won't want to upset you.

m0therofdragons · 12/01/2015 13:23

Actually I think if your ex is in a serious relationship with the baby's mother then your dc should see dad, his partner and baby at the same time so they feel fully part of it. So his partner really should be there showing that new baby isn't pushing them out.

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 13:26

Okay, good food for thought, thank you. I agree with you saying that me being there would make things a bit forced and odd. Maybe I could say to them that in a couple of weeks or so, they could introduce the new baby to me? Also good point that they should all meet as a new family, just him, new partner and baby

OP posts:

Shedding · 12/01/2015 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDetective · 12/01/2015 13:27

I think you would find it distressing to be honest. As in the memories with your ex as he holds his new baby, it will be painful enough as it is.

I think you should leave this to him, sadly, and be there for the children afterwards. If he isn't having them overnight because of the new baby, then that tells you a lot about him... Mostly that he's an ass!

If they feel he is pushing them away, then he probably is. And that is his issue to deal with. You can be their constant, he will lose on this one. I promise. Your children will know they can rely on you no matter what.

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 13:28

Yeah, Shedding, I tried to make it natural and said I couldn't wait to meet the new baby (how exciting etc) but was met with a brick wall.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 13:30

Aw thanks The Detective. Mostly for saying he's an ass. Ha only joking. I just don't want them to feel pushed away. But will me being there help or just make it worse. General consensus so far is it will make it worse :(

OP posts:

TheDetective · 12/01/2015 13:44

I don't think it will make it better or worse for them. But definitely worse for you. I promise.

My ex eventually met my new DS when he was about 3 weeks, and my oldest had a school play we both attended. It was far less awkward that way.

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 13:47

Okay. it's tough hey, figuring out the right thing to do by them. I don't care about me, I can handle it, or at least can compartmentalise it, but they don't know how to do that.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 12/01/2015 14:06

why wont he have them to stay?
surely they can kip down on a sofa bed ? if he had them to stay before then if baby is in with dad and mum what difference is it?

if he has said you cant stay any more I have a new baby then yeh they will feel pushed away but that's his doing and you just need to support them and agree with their feelings...

cestlavielife · 12/01/2015 14:08

and I think kids can compartmentalise very well, and may just say oh well we cant stay with dad any more he has a new baby matter of fact...tho if they bit older might ask why - or might express jealousy sadness... so tell them you don't know and they should ask dad.

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 14:20

he doesn't have the room for them to stay now. You're right as well, in that kids are more robust so chances are they can compartmentalise. So yeah, I don't need to go (hooooray!) and just be there to talk to them about it. I can do that :). Thank you!

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 12/01/2015 15:41

I think he is talking rubbish about not having room - if they stayed before then they should be able to now. baby takes up one cot worth of space. but his choice. his loss.

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 16:15

totally agreed, about talking rubbish and it being his loss!

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 12/01/2015 17:13

Allies - my posts are about what I think is best (only my opinion and my experience is limited to my best friend's dc and her ex). What I didn't say is that it sucks and is so hard not being able to protect your babies from potential hurt. Df's ex can't take dc out for the day as the car can't fit 5 dc (didn't he think of that before f the other woman?). Anyway, he's an arse and your ex sounds like he is one too (not enough space to have his kids? Hmmmm not good enough!) At least your dc have you, his new baby only has him and new woman who can't be that great if she isn't making space for his dc! Xx

Original poster

Alliesfamily · 12/01/2015 18:18

I know, if I were the other woman trying to make my partner's dc's at home, I sure as heck wouldn't be making them stay elsewhere the first night they meet the baby. Quite the opposite. He is an arse, to be honest. I just hope I create a strong enough home environment that my dcs will escape unscathed! thanks xx

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 12/01/2015 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confused79 · 16/01/2015 13:52

When I had my son, the only people who came to see him were friends and family. I didn't see partners ex as a friend, and even though she was mother to partners children, I certainly didn't see her as family. So would've found it odd if she had come to see him. When we had our daughter, partners ex and I were on much better terms BUT still didn't want her there. Of course, she wanted to meet our children eventually as it was her children's half siblings but that was after a few months and wasn't actually a proper meeting, it was just partner taking them round when he was picking up kids. There was never any official introducing of child to partners ex.

confused79 · 16/01/2015 13:55

However, it's a bit crappy that your kids can't even stay over anymore. When I had my son on the Monday, partner still had his children that Tuesday evening like he always does, and the weekend. When I had daughter, I had her 3 Sat morning, and he went and picked up his children that lunchtime at usual.

Flip