He want to legalise contact

[Avagracesmum262]

I left due to violence during my second pregnancy he still had contact with my daughter but became violent beating me till my waters went causing an infection and the baby dying.

Any way long story short. Two years later he wants to legalise the contact he's got, Friday -sat week 1 and Friday- Sunday week 2

My question is.

If this is legalised I don't want him to have Christmas Day with her, probably selfishly as Im alone and her dad has another baby ect, I'm naturally extremely upset he gets to have what I wanted and he took from me!!

I also don't want him to have birthdays with her ( her birthdays the same day as mine, tho am happy for him to have her day after if weekend & Boxing Day

If contact is legalised naturally I'll push for these days to be with me but he'll be fighting the opposite battle, how does this normally pan out ??

And what's the normal amount of contact time for sperm donors to have as I can then minimise this with no fuss or violent outburst from him

id rather not be legal it's him that wants it legal I want little to no contact with him, after what he's done, ie, watching the baby die. It's to hard for me to do that for 4's sake I'm Civil when he drops her of ect, but I don't have a chat with him

Should also point out that this is a man who does not talk hell all of a sudden through toys out of the pram every now and then, and demand more time. ( this was when he had her most weekends.) but this no longer works as I work full time.

I've got this information for social services, the standard they said is EOW, 1 week, then alternate Xmas,

I'm offering him more.

The thing is - as hard as it is for you to accept - you have established a contact pattern that suggests that there are no welfare concerns so as others have said it is going to be very difficult to give a reason as to why you would now stop it.

I think I read earlier in thread that you are a teacher? You know about safeguarding and the steps to follow if you suspect abuse so am astounded that you allowed this contact in the first instance.

That said you are at where you are at and regardless of how you feel about him, if he has a child then that is your child's sibling. He could and would argue the case that the children have the right to spend Christmas with each other and likewise birthdays.

I am not sure SS are giving you the best information throughout this. I you withheld contact suspecting abuse they would not automatically removed the child from your care to his - my DSS mother was cautioned for assault on a minor (DSS) she only had supervised contact for 6 weeks then he was placed back in her care. We have EW contact plus half of holidays of younger DSS and DSD.

Sorry, getting confused - do you mean he has refused mediation (you say he won't talk?) or has he just not offered it? He'll have to before he goes to court. Do you want to avoid court enough to be able to mediate? They may offer shuttle mediation in two separate rooms.

If you've already established a contact pattern it's going to be up to you to prove why you suddenly now want to change. It's going to look a bit dodgy unless something has happened recently that has meant it's best to restrict contact.

The court will presume that you don't think he's a risk to your child, as you have been supporting contact with the child up to now. This also makes your claims of abuse etc look suspect. You don't want to come across to the court as a drama llama who makes stuff up to give your ex a tough ride.

If the contact is working ok, leave it. If either of you wants it changed its up to that person to go through the court or mediation to achieve that.

The reason to lessening it is due to going to work full time ( got job end December, where as before I was at home)

When the doubts about her being safe set in, I witheld contact from him for 3 months the SS worker said if I didn't allow contact again with him I could face fines and or prosecution for stopping him for seeing his daughter when the doctor ruled it as being okay (as I've said too two weeks after the suspected incident to get an appointment)

He won't tak as in hell come to door I'll say something and I get little to no respons, everytime, we pass a book between us saying what She's done during week and anything we need to say but he'll twist anything that's said.

Like I've said I want to change contact as I'm not getting quality time with her anymore, and it's had a big impact on her as she keeps asking to do things we did before and I have to say no because he's got contact with her.

you've been misinformed - a doctor can give a recommendation but only a court or judge can rule or order you to do something.

if there is no court order then you cannot be fined or charged for failing to comply! a court could order you to allow contact with the child of course and evidence from SW or doctors might be relevant - but you cannot be fined or prosecuted BEFORE there is an order in place.

maybe the SW has a diff view of things thru speaking to ex - but she was scaring you with untrue threats - only a court or a judge or a magistrate can fine you and a court can only do that if you breaking a court order. if there is no order you cannot break it!

was the doctor assessing your ex eg a psychiatrist or what ?

having said that, you have now established a pattern of contact and that should be kept - or revised as needed if circumstances have changed.

if you are working and it should be every other weekend so you both get weekends that sounds fair enough.
you don't need to have big conversations with your ex if it causes issues - a book is good.

I'm not up on the whole SW rubbish I just had to grit my teeth as last thing I want is to lose 4.

Dr was assessing 4s vagina as it was bleeding and sore and her comment of "daddy tickles my mimmy" sent alarm bells and naturally was up doctors for assement but took ages to get ball rolling so after a course of cream redness was gone and their wasn't wnou evadance to prosecute him as SW came to conclusion 4 put a toy up herself.... How she came to this I don't know, I tried to get a second opinion... Still waiting on that ... A year later. But as said was told I had to send her, I seeked legal advise and they said if Dr and social worker has okayed contact the judge would to.

Yeah the change in circumstances is why I want to change it to every other weekend + Wednesdays + full week non term time and Boxing Day + 2days. And her birthday

I'm not trying to be unfair on him,

Plus since splitting the past 3 xmases she's been there Boxing Day+ 1day and he's always been happy with that. plus LO likes this as she believes santa after dropping afternoon presents Xmas day he visits her dads ready for her in morning

well so long as there have been no further incidents of concern...

yes a solicitor would tell you that if other professionals are recommending contact then it is likely a judge would do so too; but they should also have told you that you cannot be fined or prosecuted UNTIL there is court order in place... anyway; that is in the past. as contact has been happening without any issue then you are really about discussing the detail if he takes it further. but if he says he wants xmas day alternate years then that could happen.

So in this situation, he didn't suddenly decide he wanted more time or that he wanted out of the blue to 'legalise' his contact, you want to change it and he has said no? And threatened court if you try to change it without his agreement?

I think the process is that if you want to change the established contact pattern (and I think it is perfectly reasonable that you do, given you don't get a full weekend), and you have suggested it and he doesn't agree, then you should arrange mediation, and then if that doesn't work, apply to the court for an order. I think you have a strong and reasonable argument for EOW. I think you will struggle to justify one week of holidays (if he wants more) but you might get lucky and swing the Christmas, if you are offering boxing day onwards and that has been what has happened previously.

I would strongly advise you not to unilaterally change the contact without his consent or to raise the unproven allegations against him in court to justify what you want. It will make you look bad and in the case of the latter, given you are offering substantial contact, actively vengeful.

He does also want extra time on top of the every weekend ( the Wednesday tea time and 2 weeks in the year) I'm happy for two week but spread out ie 1 full week over summer on in April as she's never been apart from me or her home for more than a weekend.

Iv put the contact forward to him and heard nothing but he's seen his solicitor to get more contact ( than the every weekend thing)

She's at his this weekend so while she's away Im going to CAB see what they say.

I won't mention the past but it's written down to some extent as me and daughter was in a women safe house for while. I just never (stupidly made a formal statement)

The question you should ask yourself is, 'Why shouldn't your daughter spend Christmas with her father(and paternal family)'?

The only reason I have heard from you is because 'I say so...'

In the eyes of your daughter BOTH parents are important equally - and I don't mean in the quantum of time...

You sound very bitter towards him which may resonate with your daughter - ignore him. So what, he doesn't speak to you on the doorstep -maybe he doesn't want to get into any extended unnecessary discussion or conflict and therefore this is his protection mechanism. Obviously you both still have issues with each other.

Many on here have provided you with useful advice - listen to them they bear you no ill-will.

I sound bitter toward him because this is a man who beat me till my waters went and resulting in me dying while having an emergency csection at 27weeks! Tho spend weeks in a coma instead of with a baby who's slowly dying in Special care when I try make a statement I'm considered to "drugged up" to make a statement with no evidence to support why he did he was let go!!

That's why I'm bitter toward him!

I'm not stopping him from seeing her I haven't as much as I want to it's not the right thing to do.

She's spent Xmas with me always has, for past 4 christmases it's been Boxing Day, why change this now shes at the age where she now knows what it is. plus I say so because he knows that in doing this it's going to hurt me, he's tried going for full custody previously because I was "too upset over my sons death to look after her" he's thinks by taking xmas away (my family live in Canada) I'll be alone, therefor it'll make me depressed therefor another leg in court if he tries to take me back, naturally I won't be depressed I'd be hurt obviously my daughter is all I have.

He doesn't talk as in he never has hes a quite person he gets his mum to talk to me and sort things. What's fair enough but when he accuses me of not talking it's frustrating.

No one is unsympathetic to the terrible trauma that you have suffered. I hope you have had access to counselling and can come to terms with your experiences in the future. The advice given here is genuine and based on what you have said you want and the situation you describe. I hope you can use it to get a resolution.

Whatever the motivation of her father, (and maintaining contact every weekend for two years purely to hurt you is quite extreme, there is the possibility that he loves your DD and wants to spend Christmas with her like every other parent) your DD has a steady relationship with him and a right to enjoy that relationship without feeling that she is hurting you by enjoying her time with him, at Christmas or any other celebration. Having a parent reliant on you alone for their emotional well-being can be very damaging for children and she will sense your antipathy to her father.

As things stand, from what you have out on the record, you will find it hard to insist on Christmas and her birthdays being with you.

As you were beaten badly enough to be in a coma, there must have been some sort of police involvement as it's not up to you to report in extreme circumstances, they come to you when the doctors tell them you've come round. You must have been convincing with another explanation for this not to be on the record. So even though it matters enormously to you, it's not going to be useable in contact negotiations.

Unfortunately legal aid is no longer available for contact cases. You are offering far more than any court would give him. My ex got ten hours a week....which I can cut to 8 and a half if things get bad no overnight and I get them Christmas and birthdays!

And there was no proof of violence just my word against his (he wasnt violent but a family member of his hurt my ds) contact is community based to keep ds away from said family mmember

You are offering far more than any court would give him.

Not sure if it is different in different areas or different judges but we have EW contact and half hols so you may need to look at pattern in your area?

As others have suggested go to a solicitor for your own peace of mind - a good family law one or mediation ( you do not have to be in same room as him).

Surely a court is not going to be unsympathetic to OP's desire to get some weekends with her child too? It seems very unfair that someone working full time does basically the week's grind of bedtime after work and then NRP gets every weekend. I've often seen on here that courts see BOTH parents as having the right to have enjoyable free weekend time with their children.

OP I suspect the birthdays/Christmas would be harder to argue for despite your very sad history with this man, and it sounds like this is more likely to be split equally, but I really don't see why you should have equal amounts of weekends with your daughter, or that it's fair you get no non-work days to enjoy her. You're suggesting a mid week visit instead.

It may be worth trying in legal for advice but if the suggestions here are that if you stay with this current arrangement until he takes it to court then the court are likely to want to maintain the status quo, where would you stand if you just change the contact to every other weekend and mid week instead? You're not court ordered at present to send at set days and times so he may not like it but has no immediate legal recourse, you're not preventing contact, it's about a reasonable change to days/times to reflect that you now work full time and are entitled to quality time with your child too. And that would be a new status quo to have been established by the time it gets to court, which may help. The court may then be reluctant to change it.

As OP has been informed, wanting to have weekends would be seen as perfectly reasonable by the courts. Nobody has said the desire to have weekends is remotely unreasonable or that a court would see it as such. Some people have urged caution before trying the court route and mediation has been suggested. However, suggesting that it would be a good idea to unilaterally change contact to someone who is clearly having a difficult time, emotionally, coping with the traumas in the past should be very carefully thought about.

OP would be much better taking the issue to court herself. If she acts unilaterally she risks 1) inflaming a situation with enormous potential for conflict, which clearly would be of enormous detriment to her child, and 2) making things worse for herself when it does go to court, as it would clearly show that she does not value her ex as a parent.