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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

To tell or not to tell?

40 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 28/12/2014 12:18

Hi everyone,

I'm late 30's and so is my ex and father of my unborn baby (due start of Feb) we only dated for four months and I fell pregnant. We weren't being careful with protection, but both of us got on incredibly well had loads in common, went on holiday together and discussed the future a lot including our desire to have a family. So when I found out I was surprised but happy, he on the other hand went crazy. He said I have tried to trap him etc all the normal stuff. He asked me to have an abortion which I refused to do, at my age I saw this as quite possibly my one and only chance of having a child. My baby is a precious little miracle, there was no way I could consider terminating. I think I would have ended up regretting this for the rest of my life. So I decided to go it alone as I have a very supportive family and I'm financially stable. I said to him that I didn't expect anything from him, and that I won't ask for anything financially from him.

He said he was devastated by my decision to keep the child as it interfered with his plans to go and live in Australia. Yep he is a selfish idiot. He asked that we keep in touch for the next 6 months (until Dec) I heard nothing from him, the only message I sent him was a very short, factual message in Sept telling him the scans etc seem to all be good and that I'm having a girl. He just replied saying thanks for letting me know. Then in November he sent me a short message saying he was very disappointed at my decision to keep the baby knowing his plans to move. That he doesn't have any intention to contact me once he has moved, that if my daughter decides to make contact when she is old enough he would consider perhaps seeing her. But he would like me to let him know when she is born.

The letter was cold and horrible, as if written to a business associate.

So my question is, should I inform him of the birth or not? Part of me feels I should not for him, but for my daughter so if in the future she asks me if I ever let her father know when she was born I have the email to show I tried to include him in her life. But the other part of me just thinks why on earth should I inform him, he doesn't deserve it!!!

This is a man who thought I was lying about my pregnancy and pretty much insisted we do a pregnancy test together in a pub garden!!!

Advice need please?

Many thanks

Cherry xx

OP posts:

slithytove · 28/12/2014 23:03

I remember you saying you didn't need his maintenance and wouldn't be on benefits. So since money isn't a factor, unless you want your daughter to know her gp which might be nice, I wouldn't tell him. He lost that right.

MetallicInk · 28/12/2014 23:03

It really is crap that it hasn't worked out for you with this prat! (Understatement) but he has given you your dd and he will be the one to feel guilty about the situation.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 28/12/2014 23:06

Hi Slithy, no I do not want his parents involved at all. They haven't reached out to me in my pregnancy. If they had I may have considered it, but too late now.

OP posts:

Bluegill · 28/12/2014 23:10

Hi op. it's entirely up to you but I would not bother with him at all except to pursue maintenance. I certainly would not allow him to forego that responsibility. If he contacts you and wants info give him it, if he wants contact and its in the best interest of the child then support it. Otherwise I would completely write him off and free yourself up to meet someone fabulous who will adore you and your child. Good luck,

1luvgosling · 29/12/2014 22:52

Congratulations! I am you five years on. You will have a beautiful daughter who will be your everything and although it is hard you will never regret going it alone. I also decided not to pursue anything financial from the idiot, it felt like too much energy to waste and I am able to support me and dd. I also felt that it gave him some sort of responsibility or control. People often say how did you do it alone, but I think starting out alone you will only know it this way and you will just get on with it. You have the luxury of making the best decisions for you and your daughter with no interference! Good luck and take care xx

Starlightbright1 · 30/12/2014 09:33

One thing I just want to say about maintenance I get £10 a fortnight and while I really am not bothered about the money I do know while I am receiving it he is alive.

This is my motivation.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 30/12/2014 09:58

Thanks everyone :) I don't want to pursue for anything financially because like a few of you have mentioned I don't want to give him any kind of control. I want him out of our lives completely. Also I don't want his parents involved, I think they are half the reason he is the way he is (they are both psychiatrists!) so I don't want that kind of influence on my daughter...x

OP posts:

foolsrushin · 30/12/2014 12:32

Its disgusting though when extended family don't step up. But that all depends on what he's told them doesn't it? he could have said anything he wanted to and you aren't there to defend yourself. I find myself in this position and wonder whether its worth contacting family to set the record straight so to speak. Its a tough one

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 30/12/2014 14:05

I've thought about this. And I'm pretty sure he will have told them all kinds if rubbish and they will have believed him. He probably told me I strapped him down and raped him despite the fact I'm petite, 5'3 and he is twice my size. I would absolutely LOVE to tell them my side of the story, I really would. But I don't think that will ever happen...

OP posts:

MissWimpyDimple · 30/12/2014 23:19

I could have written your post 9 years ago. It was the hardest time of my life but my DC is amazing.

I won't bother to tell you how it has all worked out as yours may well be different. However I do wish I hadn't pushed him as much in the beginning. Facts only and let him come to you.

I was adamant that I didn't ever want DC to be able to come to me and say that I prevented their relationship with dad. I'm glad I did that.

It hasn't been an easy ride but we got through it.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 31/12/2014 09:09

Hi MissWimpy,

I would be really interested to hear your story if you have 5 minutes? You can pm me if you prefer?

I haven't pushed him at all, if anything I've done precisely the opposite pretty much nothing. We had a few email exchanges at the start, all were obviously very angry on both sides. I told him what an immature, selfish man-child he is being but I also said straight away I had no expectations of him and if he prefer I would cut contact with him straight away. It was HIM who asked to stay in contact until the end of the year. I only sent him one short message with the fact, date of birth, gender of baby and that scans had come back looking fine. That was it. Then a few months later he sent me the message saying he was off to oz! I didn't reply and I have no intention now of informing him of the birth either. Like everyone has said he knows her approximate date of birth so can contact me if he really wants to know. I feel I can now move on not having to think about having to make contact with him after the birth. So it feels like the right decision.

OP posts:

MissWimpyDimple · 31/12/2014 09:33

If he has actually gone then I think you are doing the right thing. I would email him when the baby is born (no rush but sometime when you feel up to it) and leave it at that.
The dad in our case came round to it and thinks he is dad of the year now. It's been very up and down and in many ways I think it would have been easier for DC if he had just been absent. And definitely easier for me!

You sound very sorted and that's great. Being alone with a newborn isn't a picnic but it's really not that bad. I think the best thing was having no expectations of help and then not getting it!

At first it was unusual and a bit "shaming" to explain that I was a single mum to a newborn, but a few years on I'm one of many and it's no problem at all.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 31/12/2014 09:55

Thank you for sharing your story

I have moved home to be with my parents and my sister, nephew and her husband live across the road so I have all the support I need. I'm very lucky! I'm probably going to be more looking for time alone with my daughter if anything I thought I would be best for me to rent out my flat in London, have some income from that and have the support from my family for a bit.

I think you are right, times have changed a lot now re:single parents. In a lot a classes you have single mums, kids with gay parents, mixed families etc so I think it's a lot easier.

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 02/01/2015 03:31

You sound very strong and sensible, OP. You are lucky that you will not have him on the birth certificate, such a nuisance.

But be prepared for your dd wanting to know her dad, etc. My dd always had a close relationship with her paternal grandparents and through them spent time with her dad, who she always complained about, but then when she turned twelve, she really wanted a lot more with her dad. He was still an impossible arse through her teen years, but what I am trying to say, is bear that in mind. If there is any chance of a decent relationship with his parents, make the effort. They don't have any legal rights so you can drop the effort if it's more trouble than it is worth.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 02/01/2015 22:29

I very much doubt she will have a relationship with the grandparents or him, mainly due to the fact that he will live in oz perhaps forever. His parents are in the UK, but I have never met them and they haven't reached out to me in my pregnancy so I think they will stay out of the picture. The way things have turned out it would be extremely awkward to meet them after the way he has treated me. So easier all round to have a clean split.

I think he is one of those strange men who can separate/compartmentalise his feelings so will go through life without regret. As if this has ever happened. Very odd.

OP posts:

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