Ex refusing contact with youngest child, and refusing to return the oldest two home.

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Help.

We have three children from our marriage (DD2 [1], DD1 [3] and DS [4]).

I have offered ex contact with all children from Friday night til Sunday evening every week. Possibly need to build up to this with DD2 as she has never spent the night. He has refused this as he likes to have every other Saturday night and Sunday "off" i.e. no kids, no work.

Originally contact with ex was arranged Thursday morning to Saturday evening on Week A, then Friday to Sunday on Week B.

I have now asked that the Thursday and Fridays (daytime) are dropped as the circumstances of the children have changed.

He does not actually look after them on Thursday or Friday as he works, they stay with his mother. I used to drop DD1 off at her house after taking DS to school. DS told me they usually stay with their grandmother on Thursday nights and they do not see their dad at all until Friday night.

His mother refuses to have DD2. Ex refuses to have DD2 also. He has in the last few months seen her on Saturday afternoons. He now refuses to see her at all.

She is 15 months. I look after her full time as I am not working at present. She misses her siblings on contact days and gets very distressed when they disappear. She is no longer a baby and is aware that she is not included.

DS is now in Reception and is living in three separate homes. He is run-down, always ill, has bowel/bladder issues and gets stressed about his stuff being scattered in different houses, especially gloves/hats for some reason. DD1 in in a morning nursery which she loves, but has not been able to go on Thursday/ Fridays as ex's mother will not take her. DD2 gets very animated and reaches out when she sees her father, but his ignores her and will not even pick her up.

I truly want the children to have contact with their father. He can have them as much as he wants to be honest, if he is able to spend time with them. I am going back to work next year and I realise I will need help with childcare but I just do not know what to do. I feel so sad for DD2, and worried DS is not secure.

Ex was due to see DD2 today but would not honour it. I told him he either acknowledged all three children or I would stop contact altogether as it is not healthy for them to see him treat their sister this way. They actually watch him ignoring her.

He is now refusing to return the older children home. He has PR. I can't stop him. DD2 is already padding round looking for them.

What am I meant to do? I genuinely don't have a clue what is best for them anymore.

Stop contact and let him take you to court. Keep any messages re him declining to take all three and also anything from the school re DS being upset, distressed over being split between three houses.
You don't need a solicitor until he begins the court process. You will get an opportunity to state your side i.e. the effect his decisions are having on the DCs but more importantly come up with a proposal that gives all the DCs emotional stability.
Don't engage in tit for tat and be positive about what you'd like and think is best from them all.
If you can manage, try very, very hard not to have to rely on him or his mother to do any childcare, getting them to school or nursery.
Sounds as if it does need to be regulated by court if ex can't see the whole picture re his responsibility as the parent of three DCs.

Belated happy birthday. I'm glad they are all back together.

I think it'd be good for you if you can use a solicitor for all discussions about contact visits. As I said earlier, I can't imagine any solicitor suggesting or agreeing to scheduled contact that excludes one sibling. So let him argue the logic of this with his solicitor, not with you.

I would guess that the current contact visits are causing you all problems, you're not getting a break and you have however many days after contact of settling the children and making them feel safe then it starts again. If the school haven't noticed already, perhaps they'll twig after you explain the week A / week B schedule.

Maybe your solicitor can recommend someone . Hopefully you can have those initial free chats with a few and choose one this week.

I think you need to speak yo a child psychologist or family therapist for advice before court. If ds is really anxious get a referral via gp.

Solicitors can advise legally but not emotionally or how to handle the rejection of dd

Thank you all for your replies. I've been to consult two family solicitors. I have stopped contact and could just wait for him to take me to court (who will probably insist on mediation first, which I can say without doubt will not work). However if I want security sooner I can start proceedings myself or at least apply for a residency order.

I spoke to the school today who were very supportive. They advised me to get something concrete in place because if ex turns up to pick up DS, they have to let him go.

Older kids both really unsettled today. The whole house feels weird. Yesterday I saw a woman I recently found out was shagging XH (when I was pregnant with DD1). I see her a lot. She gave me a beaming smile and I saw the red mist. I told her I knew everything and not to feel so special as she wasn't the only one. I feel like a complete TWAT. I never show cracks like that in public, least of all to an irrelevant woman.

cestlavielife do you know how can you get a referral? Through my GP?

My friend messaged me the other day and said she was trying go for courts to enforce contact between father and kids. He didn't want to know. How can you actually do that?

You can't it is not possible

How has he got full parentsl rights? What does that entail ?

By being married to the mother or named on the BC you get PR it means that both parents legally have exactly the same decision making abilities and situations like this happen when your ex is an arse

yes get a referral via the GP. tell gp how stressed the children are and you need some support to know how to help them. you can also get free nhs counselling sessions usually someone linked to the practice and that can be really helpful too. take it if it is offered. they will usually have some cbt type training and this can help give you tools to deal with the situation and be stronger in your dealings with your ex (and with others like the woman you encountered)

you need some emotional support and clarity and advice on how to support your DC because this situation isn't going to go away. your ex will always be a twat. he will come and go in their lives and continue to cause stress - so you need to build tools to deal with this and to support your DC. and yourself.

you cannot use solicitor or courts for emotional support. tho you can use that for setting things in stone.. however some people wont take court orders into account... if DS is anxious and upset then over emphasise that and ask gp to refer you to CAMHS - which usually do the family therapy (this doesn't mean you have to include dad in the sessions)

at that age they can do things like play therapy and using play and other tools to engage him and see what his anxieties and stress is about and also you can arrange sessions just you to get some feedback. it can really help.

thank you for your advice cestlavielife