And I feel so angry and crap. And that this is more about my issues than her.
She's 11 years old and a great girl generally, but I am so angry and I know I've gone over the top.
The last few months I've spent an absolute fortune on her. I'm on a low wage but have been doing overtime at works request and used it to buy clothes for her to go on holiday with her dad, kitting out a dumping room into a study for her including getting her a lap top, printer & desk, a whole school kit (went up to secondary school) including sports equipment, replacing clothes that she's grown out of (legs have just gone like bamboo so all her jeans/trousers were too short), deposit for guide camp/guide trips and I genuinely don't begrudge a penny of it.
I spend precious little on me - even to the point that I'm sat here with an inch of white root as my friend has been too busy to dye it dark brown for me again and can't afford salon prices.
She's just been sorting out her overnight bag for her fathers, and when she came downstairs I asked if she had the stuff needed for a birthday lunch she's been invited to. She hadn't so we went back upstairs to help her sort an outfit out.
All the drawers were jumbled, clothes had been rammed in but the thing that sent me over the edge - a pile of clothes shoved down the side of the drawer unit including 2 pairs of brand new jeans complete with tags. In the mean time she'll walk round with trousers halfway up her ankle.
When I was her age, my grandma 'judged' my aunt because she became a single mum when my 'blood' uncle left her and would think nothing of making scathing remarks about how they were dressed/presented - and even though I KNOW things aren't like that these days I can't help but tell myself that no one will ever look down on us. My daughter has clothes that might only be Primark/Matalan and not designer labels - I won't/can't afford that route - but I am so upset that she has done this. She knows money's tight and she always says thank you when we go shopping, she never asks for things. So why does she think this is acceptable?
I know deep down this is typical behaviour, but I never had nice clothes as a child. My parents just used to accept hand me downs and dress me in them, clothes shopping was a very rare event (and no, they weren't poor, we were the same as everyone else, just refused to spend money if they didn't have to). I spent most of my older childhood embarrassed and feeling like a raggy doll and vowed that I would never let any child of mine wear something that they didn't like.
She's now at her dads after I lost it with her, shouting about how ungrateful she is, how she can forget meeting her friend on Sunday afternoon and sort through her clothes instead. And I've NEVER sent her off under those circumstances.
So now I am sat here crying. I am a shit mother, with a daughter who is 99% of the time fantastic........but just doesn't get that it is important to look after things.....and has a mother that has over reacted.
Sorry - I just needed to say it out aloud.