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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

All Change Again!!!

9 replies

Carriebun · 03/10/2006 22:33

My DS and I have been on our own since he was 3 months old, he's now 4yrs and has seen his dad every other weekend ever since we divorced. He's so well balanced and knows no other way. But his dad has now decided that he wants nothing more to do with him as he can't drive 40 miles to collect him every other friday.
DS is really affected by this, doesn't understand at all, despite me trying to explein nothing to do with him and I'm always here for him. Just keep thinking would have been so much easier for him if contact had stopped earlier, and makes me cross I've done so much to make sure his Dad has seen him loads.
Any one had anything similar? don't know what to do for the best for him.

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Piffle · 03/10/2006 22:35

Devastating for your son, I'm gob smacked at his cruelty. I'm not sure how you can explain it to your son. Wait a week or so and then maybe write or somehow impress upon your exh how distraught your son is and if he wants to cut off contact now, he'll be saying goodbye forever as you cannot keep running in and out of childrens lives when you feel like it.
I'm so sorry

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BATtymumma · 03/10/2006 22:41

I am so sorry for your poor son.

what a cruel thing to do to a child. at 4 years old he is just about understanding relationships and would be devestated at not seeing such an important member of his family.

40 miles is nothing! that is less than an hours drive...i would walk over hot coals to see my child if it was only once a fortnight!

this man is disgusting. i would writte to your ex and explain just how damaging his actions are and that if he continues along this course it will eb final, and that you would like future correspondance via letter...that way it is i writtig that he doesnt wish to have a relationship with your son.

keep hold of these letters as if he tries to make contact in the future (which would be yet another upheavel for you poor ds) you can reuse and quote his letter to him.

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Carriebun · 03/10/2006 22:44

Thanks piffle,

I've written my letter which i truely think was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Wrote it to his Dad, but with the intenttion that DS would see it and read it when he's older so he knows exactly what his Dads decision was when he was so young.

Said that as he's ceasing contact now then it's DS's choice to re-start the contact when he's older if he wants to. Ex-H can't just come back and forth for years to come can he, not fair on little one at all.

Just up to me to give him everything I possibly can. Sucks though, i so wanted him to know his dad, even though we stopped loving each other, so harsh on my little man, bringd tears to my eyes even thinking about long term effect on gorgeous son

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Carriebun · 03/10/2006 22:48

40 miles is nothing is it. I drive about 1,000 every week for my job, and try as I can to see it from ex-H point of view I can't - nothing would stop me seeing my son. Just think maybe he felt like he never had a particularly strong connection with him to be able to just walk away like that. Words can't quite describe what I think f him! All letters and e-mails kept though over last 4 years so DS can see exactly what happened when he's old enough

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mamamaaargh · 04/10/2006 01:20

Oh, Carriebun

So sorry for both of you.

My DH left us when ds was 3 months old. They see each other for a couple of hours a week (DH living ~ 1 mile away) but I have to return to the UK, so ds & I will be ~4000 miles from his father. Just feel so awful that ds will not have his daddy around. I feel so strongly that little boys need a dad... anyway I went off on a bit of a tangent, I'm afraid...

You're obviously doing a wonderful job with your ds. I really don't know that he'll understand this - as you said, you just can't (neither can I) and you're an adult. All you can do is explain to him that Daddy can't come to see him anymore and hope that one day, he'll accept that you did everything you could. The letter sounds exactly right and think you've done the right thing keeping them all.

Not wanting to drive 40 miles doesn't seem like a good reason to me.

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Piffle · 04/10/2006 10:51

I was living in NZ wheh I got pregnant with ds, I broke up (amicably enough) with exp very early in pregnancy.
Always said keep it happy, he was always welcome to see ds, always welcome in my home and things were fine
He became a little unreliable and let ds down a few times, which really upset ds and thus me.
Anyway my mum (my main support) moved to the UK when ds was 18 mths, a year later she came back and said she would pay for me to go to UK, if I liked it I could stay, she would pay for my return if I did not like it.
I talked to exp , said if he objected I'd stay
He told me to go
I left April 97 ds just turned 3.
Phone contact died, no letters exp ignored ds's birthday, Xmas.
I called his house one night, talked to his lovely girlfriend who said it hurt him too much to spak to ds.
I said it hurts ds more and exp needs to be a bigger man.
And it's been 18 mths now, I can easily cut him out of ds's life, he has just about forgotten him anyway, it was me keeping his dad "alive in ds's mind.
Exp and girlfriend turned up 3 months later and although they have split, ds is nearly 13 and has an awesome relationship, despite that gap.
But it took a hard ball to get it there.

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throckenholt · 04/10/2006 10:57

can you talk to ex. Ask him if there is any other reason rather than the 40 mile trip ?

Tell him you cannot believe he is willing to give up his son for the sake of a bit of commuting.

Maybe there is something else behind it - and he owes it to his son to be honest. My kids 3 and 5 would be totally devestated if I told them DH did not want to see them anymore. If nothing else it should be down to him to do the explaining - and your job is to be the rock and stability that DS is going to crave.

Hope things turn out better than you fear at the moment.

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mamamaaargh · 04/10/2006 14:42

Piffle - thanks for sharing your story - it seems that the loss of contact you mentioned is exactly what I fear for my ds but am so glad to hear that everything in your case worked out for the best, even if it was a lot of hard work - it's reassurring to know it paid off.

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Carriebun · 05/10/2006 20:26

Piffle - what a fab story, sounds like years of hard work but wonderful you've got there. They all deserve the best and sounds like your DS has it. Really pleased for you

have spoken to ex-h and true reason seems to be unwillingness to take time out of work diary to collect, mileage issue just a cover up. Have een several other reasons given to me over course of last year and just never accepted them and kept contact at all costs as truely think it's in DS's best interests, but nothing I can do except try very hard to keep door open incase exH realises what a mistake he's made. hard on DS, but he's getting there, seems to be accepting situation.

Guess while things are the way they are I'll have to have both mummy and daddy 'trousers' on! But I know we'll be okay, we're strong and we're survivors!

But piffle - you're story is an inspiration - thanks xx

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