Access and unfit ex partner.

[Jolleigh]

I'm wondering if anyone has come across a similar situation to mine and can give me some advice.

I left my ex when my daughter was 6 weeks old, now nearly 7 months.

During the relationship, he was highly emotionally and financially abusive. This occasionally (though not often) crossed into sexual abuse. I eventually ran with our daughter when his previous recreational cocaine use not only reared its ugly head again but was very obviously out of control.

His name is on the birth certificate. I've never reported any of the incidents that happened while we were together. He has a completely clean criminal record, not even anything about drug use.

I do let him see our daughter. He currently comes here to see her where he can be supervised (the morning I left, he was pissed out of his face, high on cocaine and almost tumbled into the countertop while holding her).

Firstly, given there's no record of him ever being abusive or taking drugs, is there anything I can do to ensure he doesn't ever get unsupervised access?

Also, he's been messing around with the visits...cancelling last minute, using them to talk to me instead of see DD, argue about how I left, basically not really using them to be a parent. She's only young yet but if this continues when she's old enough to feel the impact, is there any way I can stop access altogether?

If you want to stop access then just stop if that is what you feel is right. Write down all the abuse that happened, write down when contact happened and what happened ie was he late, high, drunk etc. keep any incriminating text. If he isn't likely to take you to court then don't worry about it. Otherwise save all the evidence for when he does

I have a lot of texts between me and him and also between me and his ex that spoke about the abuse and drugs (he was also a cheat who strung his ex along) so I've kept them just in case. But he doesn't turn up high or drunk...I suspect these are the times he cancels. I don't think he'd take it through the courts but if he does, the only evidence I have is texts and emails from when I left him.

Could you raise your concerns with mediation and ask for a drug test if he started to push the contact thing?

As far a I know you can self refer to mediation and most courts want this done as a first step anyway. He may fall at the hurdle and take it no further saving you a lot of bother to be honest.

It hadn't occurred to me that it would likely go through mediation first. Hopefully that will make it less appealing an option for him. Too much hassle considering I'm fairly sure the end result he's after is actually to still have a hold over me rather than see DD.

Can he legally pick her up from places without my consent given he's got his parental rights and there's no residency order in place?

I think legally he can but I think most places will be understanding if you explain that you have safety concerns.

I think you can ask that you be notified if someone else attempts a pick up and they will wait for you to arrive before handing the child over. If yu are named as the only person allowed to pick up they may be wary of handing her over but ultimately he could take her and not get into trouble.

Yes he can pick her up from places if he has parental responsibility (not rights). It's not a residence (now Child Arrangements) order that would stop that, you'd need a prohibited steps order.

In the case of drugs, if he can show he has got clean he would be allowed unsupervised contact. A court will only make an order for no contact in extreme circumstances.

Mediation is now a requirement of court - you have to get the court application form signed by a mediator who says mediation has failed before the court application can proceed in all but a few situations.

If he's using contact as a way to get to you, get someone else to supervise. If you don't have friends or family that can do it, consider a contact centre.

Thank you everyone!

HeadDoctor do you have any idea if the courts would insist on a drug screening coming up clean before they ordered me to allow unsupervised access?

They do tend to err on the side of caution.

My sons 'father' was ordered to do a drug and alcohol test before even seeing my son so yes

In a contact centre

That's brilliant news, thank you. (Not that you've had a similar situation...that I can at least ensure she isn't in his care while he's drug abusing).

Hopefully he'll never push for unsupervised contact. He's never cared for her without me around and since she was 6 weeks, has only seen her for a couple of hours at a time, most of which he actually tries to spend talking to me. It just depends on how determined he is to stay in my life...I very much doubt he'll stop doing cocaine in order to see her.