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Original poster

dd's loser dads birthday - what do i do???

11 replies

maggiesmama · 01/10/2006 22:20

my dd (3) hasnt seen her dad for about 5 months. we have relocated to london (were in bristol) but even when we were there it was sporadic at best. he agreed the move was best for dd and me (my family are here so lots of support and love for her). since we have moved he has called her twice - because he is 'too busy' (ie in the pub, snorting charlie, out with his gf etcetc). made it clear i would happily bring her to see him regularly if he made an effort to contact her. he neither phoned nor sent a card or a present for her birthday. must less importantly, but notably, he has never even acnowledged my birthday or mothers day. anyway, this isnt tit for tat. its his birthday next weekend. do i send a card etc?

pros and cons as i see them (happy to receive any/all opinions)

pros

  1. stops people saying i have deserted him and keeping dd away from him

cons

  1. gives her hope she might hear from him/see her
  2. buys into idea that i am responsible as mother, but he as father is not
  3. implies a false statement about what he has earned as a parent

does any of this make sense?

OP posts:
TortUREoiseChamber · 01/10/2006 22:37

I personally wouldn't waste my money on him!!

hulababy · 01/10/2006 22:42

To avoid Pro (1) why not get DD to draw a picture, and then out that in an envelope with a card. If you wish to avoid Con (1) then don't tell her what it is for and who it is going to.

ScareyCaligulaCorday · 01/10/2006 22:53

At this age, I wouldn't bother.

When she gets older, however, she may want to send him a card. This year my DS is 7 and round about his Dad's birthday I will mention it and encourage him to send a card, if he wants. No XP doesn't deserve it, but it's only a card. And it's not about whether he deserves it, it's about my children's need to have contact with him, even if it's only contact initiated by them. If he never reciprocates, they will at least know he didn't bother when they get older, and if he does, they may have some kind of contact with him.

Re the you being a responsible mother while he's allowed not to be a responsible father - that's just part of the job description for far too many lone mothers. Outrageous, unfair, but reality. You just have to get used to that one. It takes a while.

Original poster
maggiesmama · 02/10/2006 10:14

thanks for opinions. point taken about still being pissed off with his lack of responsibility. guessing it wont change, and i will just accept it. to be fair, from an entirely selfish point of veiw, life is alot easier without him in it. (he is a drunk etcetc).

thinking i just wont bother then

ta

OP posts:
gisi · 02/10/2006 15:51

My dd's dad sees her (almost regularly) once a week for an hour. (he doesn't want to stay longer)
I don't really bother about his birthday. In the kindergarden she makes little presents for him dor father's day every year and at christmas she gives him an actual pic of her, usually nicely framed.
He keeps forgetting her birthday, cogratulate 2 or more weeks later, so I think when she is old enough and wants to do it I'll support her in every way I can, but otherwise ...

Maybe you want to give him a pic once a year (if you aren't religious you could do it round about New Year or whenever)

I personally would never send a card to him, why should I? She's his daughter as well, but we are no langer involved.

best wishes Gisi

SSSandy · 02/10/2006 16:03

I wouldn't send a card but I would email him a week or 10 days before dd's birthday to remind him, along the lines "we'll be doing this for dd's birthday on the 12th". If you are on speaking terms of course you could call. Same with CHristmas, I'd just say if you want to send her a little gift, she's really into pony stories at the moment and she'd love the book X by Y or anything to do with Thomas the Tankengine and leave it in his court.

If you do that and send him photos now and again. Think really it's enough.

juicychops · 02/10/2006 17:09

it was my ex's birthday in august. he hadn't seen our ds for 5 months. i didn't get him a card from our ds as i felt he had done absolutely nothing to deserve one. i didn't do it out of spite, which is probably what all his family is thinking. i did it because i didn't want him to think that he can treat ds like crap and pretend he doesn't exist but then still get a daddy card when it mattered.
and unless he makes any kind of effort before xmas, he wont be getting a card then either.

i felt guilty when ex rang day before his birthday asking if he was getting a card and i said no cos you havve done nothing to deserve it. But i know that he hasn't.

Original poster
maggiesmama · 02/10/2006 21:38

its incredible, isnt it, how badly some of these fathers behave...

my questions, if they arent too nosey are

  1. what do you plan to say to your babies when they are older about their fathers?
  1. do you worry about what their family/friends say about you etc?
  1. what do you way when your babies ask about their fathers?

but, please dont worry if these questions are too invasive. it is quite enough to feel supported, knowing that other people are in the same position.

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 03/10/2006 11:56

maggiesmumma I wouldnt send a card as he dont deserve one, what kind of bloke doesnt send his own child a birthday or christmas card, it just shows that he isnt acknowledging his child and she isnt a priority in his life.

save your money, and spend it on a treat for your daughter xxx

ScareyCaligulaCorday · 03/10/2006 12:09

maggiesmama, I'm always very casual when the kids ask about him. I occasionally mention him, for example when my DS (7)noticed the chess club, I said "oh you should join that, you might be good at that, Daddy's very good at it and you might have inherited his talent" (I won't mention that I hope he hasn't inherited his talent for mendacity, deceit and copious alcohol consumption )

Occasionally he asks when Daddy is coming to see us and i say I don't know, that he lives a long way away, that he doesn't have enough money for the train, etc, but that I'm sure we'll meet up with him one day.

No I don't give a shit what his family/ friends say about me!

rosie79 · 03/10/2006 12:32

I wouldn't waste my money on a card, why bother if he didn't even remember your dd's birthday? My ds is 3 too and his dad hasn't seen him for a year and also forgot his birthday. This is unacceptable in my opinion and shows how unimportant his son is to him.
As for your three questions, my answers at the moment are:
1.When he's older I will tell ds the truth about his father, modifying it etc depending on his age, but mostly not bother saying anything unless he asks. I kept a diary for him for the first 3 years of his life so it's all in there anyway and he can read that when he's older.

  1. I don't give a ... about what his family and friends think about me. I did the right thing for ds and me and ex deserved to be left (violent, compulsive lyer and into drugs big time).
  2. DS hasn't asked about his father for over a year, so no problem there yet. He has some very significant males in his life (grandad, three uncles etc.) who play active role in his life so that helps. I often point out different family structures eg in books, films friends etc. so he is aware that all families are made up of different people, rather than that there is usually a mommy an daddy so our family is unusual. Then he has less to question IMO. Hope this helps!
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