DS prefers being at XP...

[VaVaBroom]

Hello there, am feeling a bit heartbroken and wondering how others cope with this. I've been on my own with my 8 year old DS since just after he was born. Mutual decision but mainly because XP didn't feel loved enough. His father has always contributed financially and done his share of childcare which I'm grateful for as I know it's not like that with everyone. XP has no money worries and has recently moved into big house in the country with a new partner who has a daughter same age as my DS and they all get on really well. I live in a much smaller house which does need doing up, am freelance and have to work hard and constantly to cover all my costs, can't afford to take DS on holiday, for meals out etc but am trying my best. Over last few years have tried to find a partner but no success yet. DS hasn't got many school friends as he's just started new school and at old one, parents seemed uncomfortable around me in that way that couples generally do with lone parents! Now my DS is saying he prefers to be with XP as his house is much nicer, they do more fun things etc He's sick today and was meant to come back to me but wanted to stay with XP for all above reasons. Is this a wake up call to try harder on the parenting front? I'm glad that things going well for XP, I can understand where DS is coming from and now he has a built-in playmate too. I'll love DS whatever - but it hurts so much to hear and am really scared that DS will want to go and live with XP full time!

I doubt he will want to live there full time - he will love you both and gain much from the experiences he gets at both homes. It is natural for children to go through phases of wanting more time with one parent and then another time they'd want more time with a different parent.

there is different ways to approach this -
1 block the current request and leave things as they are
2 Allow child to dictate when and when they go to each parent
3 Liaise with other parent and see if a slight increase in contact at theirs in possible on short or long term basis.
4 Wait and see how they feel in a month and then review

1 runs the risk of child fighting against the arrangement or feeling un listened to

1. A child should be given this much power

3 and 4 give the option of the child knowing that their parents take on board their views but that the parents will decide themselves if a change is needed, when a change will happen and for how long.

He is testing you. Say " it's great you love being with your dad. "
"For now dad and I gave decided you spend your time x days here x days there. " " when you older you might decide to change this but right now dwp decided it us how it is.

You don't have to spend money to make ds feel good. Put on Welles go Iran a trek.
Bake.
Buy paint and paint his room together
Etc.

Don't go to Iran . iPad ! Go on a trek.

Thanks to both of you for thoughtful responses, really heartening and given me some perspective! Did wonder about the choice of country to visit...

goodness sake cest, that is a bit extreme...

when the grass on the other side of the fence is greener, water your own grass.

try to do cheap things like movie nights with pop corn. cook his favourite food more often. picnics, parks, conkering, snow ball fights,

it is difficult as you have to run your house with what you have got, you also have to do all the day to day stuff with him which is a bit boring. perhaps the novelty of being at dad's will wear off soon. if not try 3 and 4 on the list above.

Hi vava you sound like a lovely person, but please don't be too upset, I am sure that your ds loves you very much. Have you thought about going 50/50 with his dad (location of you both permitting)? That way he gets best of both parents and will have a secure and loving attachment with you, his dad and his step family. It may also help to act on pre-empting the possibility of him exercising his child rights when he is a little older and just packing up to live ft with his dad (have seen this happen a lot when children get to teen years, but not so much when parents do 50/50).

Chin up and I am sure that you will find a way through this issue that will bring happiness to your ds.