Access rights - how are they determined and by whom?

[squarer]

Ok, so I'm posting in a section I have long thought I might do in the future, and now is the future!

I am leaving my long term partner and have a few things (well, lots really, but hey) that I need to suss out. The thing I am finding I am spending a lot of time thinking about is about access and rights and whose rights they are.

What is the legal situation? Can I specify a minimum or a maximum - but more importantly does anyone know what is best for the child? Do they fare better seeing the majority of one parent? I don't believe a child can deal with 50/50 parenting from my current stance, but I am always prepared to be swayed if that is what is best.

What are your experiences/feelings/truths?

Anyone?

Don't really think there is one right answer in these cases, I guess it depends on the age of the child and the relationship with each parent etc. I can tell you in my case things didn't work out as I thought. My ex had always been a hands on dad and did his share of parenting. I left him when ds was 18 months old fully expecting and wanting him to still play an active part in ds's life, even thinking he could come round in evenings for bedtimes etc. Things went wrong almost as soon as I left though with ex seeing ds as an extension of me so projecting some of his hurt onto ds as well as me. When I applied for divorce specified that ex could have open access, so no definate times per month or anything. This was fine with court but ex has now only seen ds twice in two years, the last time being over a year ago now! So I guess what I'm saying is it is quite hard to know how things will actually turn out when you first leave and how good a dad the ex will be once he is no longer living with child full time.
Good luck tough and I hope some others have some more helpful advice!

Rosie, thanks for taking the time to respond . More food for thought (I have no idea and no experience!)

S, if you can swing it, access rights can be determined by you and your ex negotiating them. The question "what is best for the child" cannot be answered as it is determined by the fashion of the day - there simply isn't enough hard research to decide that.

What does seem to be the case, is that children who have the input of both parents do better than those who only have the input of one. And that contact is only beneficial for children, if it is consistent and regular. There doesn't seem to be any rules on what the level of contact should be, a basic rule is that it doesn't matter if it's once a day or once a year, as long as it is regular and the child's expectations are managed. The worst of all worlds seems to be when the contact is sporadic and unreliable.

50 50 parenting works for rock stars, but for most mortals I think it's unrealistic. Have seen articles on it saying how very unsatisfactory it is for kids to have two sets of equal homes, but again, too new a phenomenon to have hard data.

The main thing is to try and agree regular, consistent access with your ex. A lot of people make the same mistake as rosie, of leaving dates etc. vague, for the best reasons in the world - wanting to be flexible and co-operative and give exes as great a chance as possible to see child. But sometimes, that leads to dissatisfaction all round, it's better to negotiate firm boundaries that both parties are happy with and agree to stick to. Vague agreements of "seeing them whenever you want" don't work imo. Hard dates tend to do better.

And in general, access arrangements which are decided by the individuals involved, have a much greater chance of being satisfactory to all involved, than those ordered by the courts.

Thanks for that Caligula - I was thinking about my situation long and hard last night and what you say makes great sense.
Do I recall correctly that you are a single mother? Is this what you managed to do? If so does it work for you? I guess my main concern is that DS is only 21 months and is non verbal (other than the usual babbling) and it is only me that can decipher what he wants as I have spent so much time with him.