If the other parent has zero input,..

[SpicedGingerTea]

How do you cope?

Do you ever feel totally overwhelmed?

I'm a lone parent to an 18 month year old DS. H cleared off with OW just before I found out I was pregnant. Never seen or shown any interest in DS - walked away like we don't exist. I was with him for 10 years.

I know in the long run it's for the best, but still,...

DS been in hospital this week after having seizures. Terrifying. I had to hold him in bed on a drip, he was struggling, fighting, in pain, fed up. It was so so hard. At one point the nurse said 'Is there anyone who could hold him to give you a break?'. The answer is 'no'. And at that point I felt so overwhelmed I just wanted to burst into tears.

I have friends, but he wouldn't want to be held by them. My parents have helped, but my Mum's health is deteriorating and I can't rely on them as much in the future. He loves his Grandparents, but wouldn't want to be held by them either.

So it's just me, the buck stops with me. And sometimes it feels like a lot to take in, you know?

Aw Lou. I've read your threads from the beginning and never quite have the courage to post on them as my situation is very similar to yours (even down to the ill parent and your recent difficult hospital stay).

My child is 4 now and it is manageable and wonderful quite frequently!

I love my Ds and would never wish for a different life, but is hard work especially when they are poorly and you're also trying to help your own parents. Mine are hundreds of miles away, so I feel quite isolated from them.

I don't have muh in the way of advice to offer except to say that you should try and surround yourself with a few really good mates preferably with children of a similar age so you and your Ds have people to interact with and you can share all life's up and down moments together.

I really don't know how I would have done this without my friends and family at all.

It's crazy what life throws at you and crazier still how remarkably we cope - even when we feel we're not coping at all.

Wishing you and yours happier times and a speedy recovery for your lad from his recent illness.

Thanks sally, I appreciate your post. Part of me thinks it will be easier as he gets older, but I don't want to wish this time away either, as much of it is very enjoyable too.

I work 4 days a week, so most of my life and friends are at work. I feel I've almost missed the boat in terms of meeting other Mums, and to be honest when I did meet other Mums when I was on maternity leave I just couldn't bond with those who said 'Ooh me hubby's away tonight so I've got to do the bath all on me own'. I want to meet other single Mums, but there aren't many around here with DC the same age as my little one. I feel I don't fit in, so consequently gave up trying!

I enjoy work because it's a break/diversion for me, but it can lead me to feeling isolated in other ways. Can't win, can we?

I also followed your threads from the start and was recently wondering how you were getting on.

You have been handed an unbelievably shit deal (except for the beautiful toddler!) I'm sorry to hear he's been so poorly. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed.

I have not advise for you but just wanted to say I've always admired how strong you've been through all this.

You're not alone. I find work isolates me too, it stops me building a good network of parent friends who can help. The only thing that gets me through is the thought of a pension in 30 years time, that's it .

I'm probably a bit crap, it's still hard after 6 years, it's not got easier. Although I've lost family support (death and house moves) which has increased the pressure.

I often think how nice it will be when the dc's are teenagers and I can leave the house for an hour or two .

I felt like that about other families I met initially, but actually it makes it easier sometimes listening to their frustrations and challenges which can be much the same as mine! Also, it's great when their partner volunteers to babysit all the kids so I can get a night out!

I've made a few friends from hanging out in the park or at soft play, so don't give up on that side.

I'm laughably bad at finding a new relationship for myself but strangely confident at making friends for my child!

I also work full time which makes life more complicated but is very important to me. Just about to run the gauntlet of changing hours to cope with school admission - that is a massive task! (Give yourself plenty of organising time when you get to that one!!)

My family is all abroad, my stbx cannot have the dcs unsupervised (he was abusive to them), and he can't be arsed to even contact them anyway unless there's something in it for him - trying to impress OW or when he was trying to get back together (not happening!). His family believes his lies, and he lives (I think) with MIL at the moment, so we can't even contact her (she is having memory problems anyway and cannot be responsible for the dcs).

Dc1 is 8 and disabled. Dc2 is 5 and has some SNs. Some days I feel like I'm just owrn right out, but I'd rather do it alone than have being abusive to them, so that's just what I have to deal with, I suppose. Bone tired some days though. Thank goodness I get some days (when there are not appointments or various meetings) to get things done while they are in school or I'd probably just go mad. Summer break gets really exhausting.

OP, hope your ds is better now.

"I'm laughably bad at finding a new relationship for myself but strangely confident at making friends for my child!"

I would probably say I'm the other way around (not that I'm trying to meet anyone at the moment though!). Going on internet dates doesn't phase me, but ask me to speak to another Mum at the park - argh, I would really struggle.

Generally I think work stops me feeling isolated. But at times like this, when I could've really appreciated knowing another local Mum or two to pop over with advice/support,... well it's done the exact opposite.

As I said earlier, it's a case of making the best of it you can. But sometimes I feel I can't win,.....

What's your MN local like? You could go to one of their meet ups.

Gingerbread groups might also be worth a look-see if there's one local to you,

Our local children's centre runs a Saturday club and there's a weekend forest school too - both have been good for meeting people.

As your Ds gets older there will also be weekend sports - swimming, rugby etc. where you might meet other parents.

That bit will certainly get easier into school years without you being sahm.

I do totally get where you are coming from though. I find the evenings quite a drudge. But I've recently joined an interest group that meets one night a month which I really look forward to.

I remember been in hospital with my DS when he was 3. He was really poorly I went for something to eat one day and saw all these couples sat there and felt very alone. His friend and his mum came up to visit once but DS wasn't bothered he just wanted mummy.

My DS is 7 it is easier. He goes to groups can go to activities on holdiays playdates. He even has sleepovers sometimes.

I also have learned how on the one hand it is really tough. some things I found very difficult. Deciding schools as it felt a very important life changing decision. But on the plus side I do it my way, there is no one to argue with, we are very close.

There are so many thread on here of negotiating with Ex. there is no christmas , birthday debate.

I presonally find the hardest time now is when I am ill and have had to carry on caring for him but he can go and get a snack and drink of water himself.

Starlight - I did that horrid experience at the hospital too. We went in there in an ambulance in the middle of the night. Next day all the nurses kept asking was if anyone else could come in to be there too. And the answer was always no! And I couldn't get home either (taxi was £80). I had to beg for money from the hospital admin to help me get home because there was no one to help. It's absolutely horrible at times like that.

But, you are completely right about how empowering it is to make no compromises about parenting rules/approaches and how delirious I am not to have to deal with an ex and all that shitty baggage.

Oh Lou, I posted on some of your earlier threads as I was in a similar situation (alone when pregnant etc)

I totally get how you are feeling. Its an overwhelming responsibility and lonelyness all at once sometimes isn't it? I know I can look after my DS, but sometimes I want someone to look after me. How is your DS now? At a similar age my DS stopped weight bearing for some reason and I had to hold him down for x rays and tests. It was a 2 man job, I couldn't hold his legs and body and comfort him all at once and I cried once it was over because there was just me and never had it been rammed home so painfully. Ds is 2.5 now, and with every day it gets easier - I promise. Still moments where I feel like I'm going to be swallowed up, but they are much fewer and far between.

I also know what you mean about the other mums thing. I avoided all maternity groups because I felt so out of place, and if I'm honest, jealous of them. I again have found this easier as DS gets older, because (and this may sound horrid) more relationships have broken down by this point so there are more single parents in his peer group. Sorry if that has come out wrong - I don't know how best to phrase it.

The only thing I can say is that tomorrow is another day, today was hard but tomorrow has the promise to be better. It will get easier, really soon. Wishing you all the best x

I avoided all maternity groups because I felt so out of place, and if I'm honest, jealous of them.

This sort of nails it for me silly. I feel like a complete misfit, and that people 'like me' (oh how I have learnt that phrase means fuck all!) generally aren't going through a divorce when they're pregnant with their first child. I feel like I don't slot anywhere, but am secretly hoping it WILL get easier as DS gets older and also as other families start to, er, breakdown. I don't know how to phrase that well either.

It does get better and easier especially when they start school . You will find that if he goes to a pre-school attached to the school that you will then meet other mums and have playdates etc.

Have you tried to see if there are any single parent groups near you? I've met some lovely folks through mine with all different personalities/backgrounds.

No I haven't, I think there's one on Gingerbread that meets occasionally, I need to get my arse into gear and get organised with that.

I have my divorce case final hearing in mid - November, to be honest that whole thing has taken up so much of my time and energy that I haven't felt incentivised to do much about the whole single parent groups just yet.

Next year, once the divorce is over and my financial situation is clearer I hope to reduce my hours at work a bit (I know that sounds crazy, but ironically it will be easier once the finances are settled) and then have 2 days a week at home with my little boy. Then we can try and put some energy into our social lives,.......

Or may be these are all excuses, I dunno!

It sounds wise to me!

You've been through the mill a heck of a lot and it can be really useful to have some time to take stock once the difficult crap is gone.

One thing I did which was a god send was work 3.5 days per week for about a year. I had 4 days childcare and used the half day once a week to do home admin, go swimming, shop or just chill out.

I've lost that now I've increased my hours but I really miss it as it was the only time I had my own reAl headspace and if you can afford it, I'd strongly recommend it.