scared out of my whits ... how do you do it ?

[edgarsuit]

My partner and I have been trying to make our relationship work for a long time now and it has come to a point where we are just going round in circles. the relationship is just over .. He would never leave me and when I ask always says we can make it work but I think its because he couldn't bear to be away from our children dd1 ds 4 ...We haven't broken up yet but i am going to have to make the 1st move although he will protest a little i dont think it will be too difficult for him to accept .

The reason i haven't made this move yet apart from him being a loving father and me still loving him which just isn't enough any more (and please don't judge ) is because i am too terrified I really cant see a way for my children and i to survive ..
I dont have a job .. i don't have any money , i owe money to the tax credits so cant get childcare to work and i dont have family i can turn to for help it has always been dp's that have helped us out with the kids when needed ...

I just cant see how we would cope

Hello, just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like, if you did split up, you might be able to maintain an amicable relationship with your partner, and still parent the children together? Which will be great for them and in my opinion better than having two unhappy parents together.

Financially - would your (stbx) partner have the children in the evenings so you could get an evening job (care work etc?)? Is he in a position to pay maintenance for the children? Would you be able to stay in the family home? Not sure what you might be entitled to in terms of housing benefit/income support etc?

Also, woudl DP's family still be willing to help out? They will presumably want to maintain a good relationship with the children and you as main carer? Good luck x

hi charlie thanx
yes i believe we would be able to be amicable - nieve as it may sound.
however he doestn earn a lot and we are struggling financially right now there fore if he were to move out and have rent and amenities of his own to pay he would nt struggle to help us out aswel . he also currently works very long hours and irregular so it would be impossible to set times and days for his child days .. and the parents all work full time and can be a little difficult and unreliable as we experienced when i went back to work after having ds. Hence why i do not work now .

i am in a predicament i cant see a way o

bump

Hi don't know what to say except I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation- kids same age as yours, trying to make relationship work unsuccessfully for ages, no job, no family support, scared, My dp has moved out but it doesn't feel like it's really over- I haven't told people and he works away a lot anyway so it's not so noticeable if you see what I mean. He takes the kids the weekends he is home and then sometimes even stays with me. I have health problems and struggle on my own at times. I'm here for you if you want to talk x

Go to CAB and see what help you'd be entitled to as a lone parent. If you owe money to tax credits is that a joint claim with your partner? That wouldn't affect a new claim with tax credits as a lone parent so if you separate you may find you are actually better off?

And as for support etc, it's weirdly easier when you know it's all down to you. I know that sounds mad but when you know you can't ring someone up and ask them to step in your mentally prepared to do it all and it's not as daunting and awful as you think it will be. I love my life now, I get my DCs full attention, I am their entire world and we have a much stronger relationship because of it. I've revamped the house, redecorated, got rid of exs office and given the DCs a bedroom each, got cats etc. My survival depends on being organised, getting to bed early and having the kids in bed early enough that I get some decent me time. No one ever says they regret leaving. There's a reason for that. It will be ok, you will be ok and you can do it.

Hi I wanted to wish you good luck. It is hard at first but after a tough start then single parenting becomes good and you get much stronger. You may be eligible for some benefits, there are websites you can check this out on, maybe someone else can advise? Your ex should also pay child support.

Good luck again xx

shadows do your kids not see their dad? Just asking, because the effect of separation on my 4 year old son is that he completely idolises his dad- his dad gets to have all the fun of parenthood without the stress and therefore the kids adore him. It's quite disheartening at times as I feel shit enough about myself as it is. Your post makes me feel better though. I'm just quite an anxious person, and scared to let go completely in case it's all a huge mistake.

They do see their dad, and initially we had the idiolising thing. But ex couldn't keep up the Disney dad act for too long, and the DC realised after a while that he isn't there when they fall down, when they have a sickness bug, when they have a nightmare. He doesn't take them to nursery every day, arrange play dates etc. So now they look forward to seeing him but also look forward to coming home. We have the freedom as single parents to do crazy things! Twice a month we push all the furniture back and out a tent up in the lounge, put folded duvets on the bottom as sleeping bags and camp for the night. We make cookies, have ice cream in our pjs at 10pm and then fall asleep watching a DVD. We bounce on my bed every night while the bath runs. We turn music up loud and dance on the coffee table. Just fun stuff that I'd never have done when ex was here. And if you can remain there, a constant, a comfort, a source of laughter, love etc then they soon cop on to that. Kids see far more than we think they do, and the adoration of NRP often comes before a more blasé "oh yeah, is it my weekend with Daddy? I'd forgotten" because whilst they love both of you, they are going to be closer to you because you are the one inevitably doing all the shit work of parenting, and that's the stuff they remember far more than a fun day out. Keep slogging away, keep plastering a fake smile on your face and suddenly, one day, you'll realise you aren't faking it anymore.

Hi sorry for the absence.. Hard to get on without dp seeing.
Whitetigerlilly so sorry to hear your going through the same thing.. But must admit It helps to feel as though I'm not the only one so thanks for posting..
Dp and I are still 'together' although it is so strained and I have pretty much given up and I'm my mind we r already over.. and I'm already hurting as tho we r broken up and trying to hide it from everyone especially the children.. I feel as though I have let them down..

As for tax credits we have already had an issue when we broke a few years ago and he was still having his post delivered to my address as he wasn't living anywhere permanent due to work etc the TC tried to ask us for all my single TC back and we have fought that and won but owe a much smaller -but still significant amount due to an overlap ... Therefore I feel if I was to make a claim now they wouldn't believe me... And the money I owe is mine not his as it was a previous single person claim... Therfore I'm stuck!!!

Also as we have broken up once before I no if we were to break up again that's it there is 100% no going back as it's not fair on the children or us. so i am terrified to make any hasty decisions

I'm in a similar position OP and am currently taking the deep breath, have stepped off the diving board & just waiting for the water to hit as it's all happening in the next few weeks. It's been over for years, and I'm sad about how it turned out, and scared about how I will manage... but a little part of me is excited about putting DC (and myself) first in everything, so I am just going to fan that little flame... Good luck x

Trousers I admire your bravery.. Good luck to you. I'm suprised to see anyone In a similar position I feared I was for a MN roasting for being weak

Thanks edgar. My advice to you is that there is more help out there for you than you realise once things are set in motion. That can be quite hard to see when you're still stuck in the same old, same old. Good luck x

Thanks so much for your post shadows. You have inspired me to try and find a tent for my living room- my little boy would LOVE those kind of nights. What age are your kids? Thanks for reminding me that I've lost a lot of my sense of fun through all the stress, poor health, drudgery and exhaustion!
edgar I worry constantly that I am letting my kids down too and am sooo scared of finally ending the relationship. I am an older mother and a big concern to me is that I will never meet anyone else in the future. I don't want a new partner immediately or anything, but don't want to be alone for ever and I feel like I don't have a great deal going for me in a lot of ways.

White that's exactly how I feel... We do still do the fun stuff but probably because dp works long hours so isn't hear I do less with them when he is in because he creates an extra child I have to look after..I feel as tho we are completely broken up. I am planning my life and fantasising about our future and about meeting someone new. I even said the phrase "when we are not together anymore " to him yesterday and he barely even reacted. I am stuck in a rut and scared it's affecting the kids but I can't do anything about it.

It's all beginning to get too much.... We r arguing everyday in front of the children.. Not massively but bickering ds keeps saying 'be nice to daddy mum'
Dp keeps asking me what's wrong? and will keep pushing me until I snap even if the 1st 10times I have said I'm fine or do you think it's an appropriate time to ask me.. I feel we now are going to have to make a break sooner for there sake.. But I feel like I can't risk it incase I am not entitled to any kind of claim which would leave me without out a single penny

Thanks for reminding me that I've lost a lot of my sense of fun through all the stress, poor health, drudgery and exhaustion!

And me too! I am so much more relaxed and happy since he left. The kids have noticed the change in me and we have more quality time and moments of fun than we ever did before.