Helping DD through this...

[OohMrDarcy]

Hi all

Hoping you can help. I've been through a horrible few months, starting in may when I discovered my 'D'H had had an affair... after a number of weeks of talking we decided to try to work through it (at the time I wasn't even sure it was possible but wanted to at least try).

Instead of doing this, it seems my 'D'H felt the need to do it again - I found out, its over - thats the easy bit. 2 weeks ago we told the DC that we were breaking up and initially I thought it went better than expected, DD seemed ok after initial upset, and DS (4) struggled to understand for a while but seems ok now...

Unfortunately it seems that DD has simply been not dealing with it. She isn't letting herself think about it as it makes her upset. School have been fantastic and offering her mountains of support, but whilst there she insists she is fine and doesn't need to talk to anyone - so she doesn't have to think about it.

Is there any way I can help her work through this? She is 7.5 emotionally quite mature, but obviously this is pretty massive stuff for her.

In terms of what she knows - we've said mummy and daddy love her very much, but we are making each other sad living together so daddy is going to live somewhere else. He will still see lots of them etc, and most other stuff will be the same

any advice / book recommendations / anything would be massively appreciated!

We gave her a pad to write her feelings down, but she's barely touched it

I'd say give her time. It's still early days and needs to settle I think. I have a book called Dinosaurs Divorce which can be helpful. Karen Woodall has a book about parents separating and I rate her stuff really highly.

saying here s a pad write your feelings is a bit much really ... try other approaches, take her out to something she likes and DONT talk about it. let her lead.
sit and draw family tree. where does she put daddy? explain he still dad where ever he lives.

sit and says let's draw our house, let's draw our dream house.... draw your home. (what about dad's home?)

talk to her about the plans for Christmas - get a pad and say i want to write down what our plans for Christmas are this year - you got any ideas? she may bring out her worries in that context. then you can reassure.

also read "how to talk to kids will listen"... on amazon... has some good ideas #

nomoretether thanks for that, will look into that book

cestlavielife Thats not quite what happened with the pad, it was from my mum actually, oddly she wrote in it yesterday too . I do have that book, haven't touched it in ages so will have a read through again

as a little update - she asked to talk to the school councillor yesterday, I guess the give it time approach was right! She is thinking of talking to her again today as found it helpful - and because she got to play with playdoh!

all in all, I'm less worried now - and hopefully we'll get there

An Ed Psyche told me once, adults deal with grief by the equivalent of jumping into the deep end of a pool, the waters close over our heads and as we're ready we walk towards the shallow end and eventually step out. It's total immersion for a while that gradually tapers off. Young children can't handle that, and tend to do the equivalent of 'jumping in puddles'. Short bursts on their terms to keep the stress manageable, then they switch it off and go back to their daily life.

I remembered that as soon as I read your OP. I'm so sorry you're all handling this, but it sounds like you and the school have let her know she's got all the support there as she wants it, and it's letting her take it up as and when she feels ready. You may find when things are on an even keel and have settled down that it comes out a bit more. You may even find she comes to you and needs to 'do' this stage when she's a bit older and she can look at it with more experience, language and understanding than she has now. It's just so hard as a parent when you want so much to help, you're all ready and the child's not.

thanks for that rumble, its helpful to know