Contact in your home?

[Almostnearlyfree]

Just after a bit of a sense check. Been separated for a year. He was emotionally abusive and I have felt bullied by him, still feel intimated to be honest.

We have two smallish kids. They miss him. It's a big time of change for them what with starting at school and me going back to work so they have to get used to long days with childminders. The oldest (5) is really unsettled.

Up til now ex has been coming round to do bath and bed once a week as well as having them every other weekend. I have said that I want the midweek visits at my house to stop. I think it's confusing for them and upsetting for them to see me and him clearly ignoring each other. Have offered that he collect them and take them for dinner. He is refusing to do this and saying I am being unfair.

Am I? Are my feelings towards him stopping me from doing what's best for the kids? Thank you

Have you said to him the real reason you want the contact in your home to stop? i.e. the atmosphere, not talking between you.

I just think that it sounds like a nice routine for the kids while they're so young, and if the two of you can improve that - i.e. manage to be pleasant to each other, then that would be the best for them. Obviously I get that this has to be down to both of you, not just you forcing the effort with him.

Why is he refusing? What does he say is unfair about it?

I think keeping things separate is a good idea, especially if you're ignoring eachother.

Can he afford to take them out for dinner every week? Or would he be taking them to his house?

I don't think you are been unfair at all. I would say having come out of an abusive relationship what is unfair is he can't come and nosey around your house, have access to you.

I doubt it is anything other to do with the children.

It isn't fair is something my 7 year old got out the habbit of saying when he didn't get his own way about a year ago.

Hi, I have the same issue - ex doesn't live close enough to have them to his (his choice), and doesn't get back from work til about 7 (bedtime is 7.30ish). My ex wasn't abusive but is a liar and a cheat, so I only tolerate having him come to the house because for our situation I think it's better for the kids than any other option.

What I tend to do is tell the children it's mummy's night for the gym / a walk round the park / see a friend, and make myself scarce for an hour or so. And actually get a chance to go to the gym!

Would that be an option for you? Get out the way but make it a positive? Or would you feel uncomfortable leaving him in your space alone?

^ I would not leave an abusive ex in my home without me. In fact, I wouldn't have an abusive ex in my home for any length of time at all.
I think you are perfect reasonable in telling him the midweek at your home stops. He can either take the children to his house, out somewhere else, or not see them.
If you don't want him in your home, that's your right.

Thanks for the replies. Thing is he is the boss so I can't see any reason why he can't schedule his day around leaving early enough to pick the kids up and taking them out for dinner or back to his house. He could start work earlier or even go back to the office once he has dropped them home. I feel like I am offering him a reasonable alternative to coming to my house.

At the moment he turns up half an hour before bed, quick bath and story and off he goes again. The anxiety I have all day knowing he is coming that evening, the tidying up as I feel I am being inspected, putting away any letters etc that are lying around...it's all stress for me. Then when he is here I am hiding away making myself scarce and hoping he won't try and speak to me.

If he did take them out he would have to commit to more than half an hour out of his day which I guess doesn't suit him. I do feel bitter that my life is all about rushing round and making sacrifices for the children and he can't even manage a few hours once a week for dinner aaaargh!

I think I am going to hold firm and see if he will come round to my idea. Thanks for the comments x

When I say putting away letters I mean bank stuff, solicitors etc!

Once my stbxh left, I took back the house as 'my territory'. I drew the line quite firmly that he wasn't welcome in the house where I live. He picks the kids up one day after school and drops them off before bedtime and sees them on one weekend day, as they are quite little still and like to see him that often, might change as they get older though.

I had to do this as the house is my sanctuary, my safe place and I didn't feel safe with him all up in my business (yes, he snooped when he picked up the last of his things later on).
It really hurt him not to be able to come into the house to 'play happy families' for an hour and then bugger off and be a selfish prat again. I just shrugged my shoulders and thought 'oh well, this is what you wanted'.

So the kids can still see their dad just as much, but I don't have to compromise my personal boundaries. I honestly don't think any court would ever demand that a dad can see his kids in the home they share with their mom, even if there were no issues with the dad (if I'm wrong though, someone tell me).

It's not "unfair" to only want people of your choosing in your home.

It's your home and you can do what you like.

Fwiw I wouldn't have my ex within a mile of my home, whether the kids thought it was nice or not. Let your ex deal with contact himself on his own terms.

Of course the dc confused. They don't know whether they are coming or going . With dad or note half hour in evening with you tense etc is rubbish for you and them .

Stop contact in your home. Longer days at his place on weekends would be better.
If he can pick up from school and drop them at yours at seven one evening great.

Don't see if eg will cone round to your idea,.
Just tell him starting tomorrow he can't come the hpuse but you will drop kids at his on Saturday .
And if he can arrange to pick kids from school on Wednesdays great and drop them at yours at seven.
But you need to be really firm about handing over dc on threshold don't let him in. Cherry thanks wave to daddy byeeee in and close door.

I agree with cestlavielife . He is never going to agree he wants access to your house. I also can't see any benefit at that age for a half hour visit. It would simply confuse them.

sorri typos in above.
and practice role play the handing over of kids - it's very hard to do and he will try to put his foot in door, tell you he wants the toilet or other means to get in the door. can you meet them at end of drive way etc?
go out close door behind you with key in hand and tell kids say goodbye to daddy see you Saturday kiss kiss. then when he walking away go inside.

you need to stop this invasion of your house and confusion.
you need to be firm after one year.