Feeling Sad for my little boy!

[julezboo]

Hiya all

This could turn into a long one so Im sorry in advance, not even sure what Im after whether it be advice or opinions or just to get it out!

My ds is now 4 yrs old, me and his dad split up when he was 2 months old, we had a very traumatic birth, lots of hospital stays, he couldn't cope and went back to live with his mum! For his first year of his life my ds spent more of it in hospital than at home, I was the only one of his parents who stayed overnight with him, ex-p never offered, when he came in to visit, never stayed long, gave no help or anything. I learnt to cope alone basically. When ds wasnt in hospital ex-p would have ds from fri - sun at his mums, I know his mum did alot of the care for ds back then. I also get the impression this arrangement went on longer because ex-p's parents where pushing him to keep in contact!

I moved 30-40 miles away when ds was 2, I made every effort to still get ds down to see his dad, which would often involve long train and bus journeys, all paid for by me, the odd occasion ex-p and his dad would drive up to collect him. Ex-p then met someone else round about the time on ds's 3rd birthday, didnt tell mejust brought her along to a party I had organised and paid for!! Not that I was bothered i too had moved on.

Few months later ex-p's new GF fell pregnant - this is when the troubles really started, up to now we had a few cancelled weekend but ds still enjoyed seeing his dad and his family.

Round christmas time, ex-p informed me he could no longer afford extra money for ds as he had " a new baby on the way" I was devastated, how could he turn his back on his first born, specially after we nearly lost him. Took ds away to see my family over christmas and ex-p and I came to an understanding that he would collect ds from my house at 3pm on a certain date (28th dec if i remember rightly) I didnt happen, he showed up 3 hours early in the main town centre and demanded that i go down there with ds and meet them, because GF was pg and couldnt possibly go any further on a bus.It got a bit heated, i told him GF didnt have to come if she was uncomfortable as ds is his son not hers, he told me I was jealous because she was pg! She threatened to "kick my head in" all kinds of language coming out of them, so I refused to go, i didnt want my son seeing that all going on, told them they may as well go home! DS has seen them a handful of times since. I moved closer back to them (to be near my mum once my relationship at the time didnt work out) he still couldnt be bothered, dragged us through the court for over night visits and the hole total over overnight visits from dec 05 till July 06 was 2, maybe 3, there was alot of cancelled weekends. ex-p even moved house without telling me or ds where he was, i tried to drop off a fathers day card this year to be told by one of his neighbours he had moved! I went to his mothers to be greeted with snotty looks and sly comments, no thankyou or nothing, so I put my foot down and stopped making the effort to get ds down there!

I have been with my new dp for almost 2 years now, have recently moved 200 miles away from the north west to south wales. We have baby number 2 on the way and apart from the odd text from ex-p we have heard nothing!!! He didnt stick to his court order! Ok so i didnt tell him we was moving, it was all very rushed, i was on bedrest and tbh couldnt do with the hassle that comes everytime i go down there! I did however inform him by letter, telling him i would be happy for his to see ds whenever he wanted, there are a lot of hotels round here, or when i go back up north to visit my mum so long as he comes to ds and not the other way around. Told him when he gets photo's done I will send them to him, gave him my mobile number and my home number so he can ring, hasnt rung once! I so mad at him for doing this to ds. All his family slag me off to high heaven because he doesnt see ds, but what more can i do, ive given him chance after chance more often than hes picked ds up Ive have taken him down there! I just kept doing it, i know it was stupid and i should have put my foot own earlier but i feel so sad that my ds has seemed to have now lost all contact with his real father. DP is great with him and I know he's excited to be involved in this babys life - hes only seen his brohter from his dads side a handful of times, they didnt even want ds at his christening for christs sake!

Ok so Ive rambled for long enough, recently found out ex-p has stopped paying child maintenece too to top it all of he is just an arse isnt he? should i try and let go of all this and move on with my ds and our "new family" or should i keep trying to keep the contact going??

TIA

Julie

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

move on sweetie

give your ex phone no for him to keep in contact
and let the ball be in his court iykwim

my ex did this years ago
they regard my dh as their dad, and they know the truth

they have grown up now and 2 have left home but it is ex who has lost out
as the kids dont want to know him
as they remember
that ex never bothered
good luck
xxx

[RedTartanLass]

julezboo

It seems you have done everything in your power (and more) to keep your ex-p in your ds's life. He sounds a total arse and I know how much you must be hurting for your ds.

I was in a similar position and tried my utmost to keep my ex-p in my ds's life. I used to pay for him to come up to Scotland to visit, insured my car for him, when he cam up etc etc.

My ds is now 21 and has an ok relationship with his dad, and I'm glad I persevered, for my ds's sake. However I don't think there is much else you can do, keep in touch with ex-p and ex-ILs and send pictures from time to time.

Just follow your instincts and your heart you've done brilliantly so far.

[shebnem]

hi julie,
if you dont think you wont get too much maintenance then dont bother and stress yourself with it.
i think you did the maximum for ds to keep his contact with his dad, but they didnt do much, so forget them and move on, enjoy your life with yr dp and children.

[shebnem]

sorry it should be:
if you dont think you will get enough maintenance then dont bother and stress yourself with it.

[mummymic]

hey julezboo - sounds to me like you are a saint for all the hard work you have put into ensuring your boy has a relationship with his dad - shame his dad doesnt care as much as you - give up!! enjoy your new life withy your new family - congratualtions on the new baby and good luck xx

[Sunnysideup]

julez, NEVER give up. Your ds only EVER gets one actual, biological dad. It is so important to the emotional and psychological development of children that they know where they came from.

Yes, your ex sounds an arse and he shouldn't have stopped paying maintenance, but to your DS this is not the same issue at all. He won't be considering whether his dad has paid maintenance or not.

If I were you I would write to your ex and enclose photos and keep offering contact.

Obviously if your ds were to be let down on an on-going basis then you would of course need to weigh up the benefits or otherwise to him.

But I can't stress enough the benefits to kids, particularly boys, of having their dads in their lives.

This doesn't take away one bit from your new dp's role, your ds has room in his life for both!

[Sunnysideup]

and I don't mean 'offer' contact as in .'you can come up here' because given the history you've described he is unlikely to come; I'd go there in the first instance.

And yes I do realise that this demands you as the mum be pretty superhuman about things, but I'm sure your ds is worth it.

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

ssup sorry but i disagree

julez has done more than enough
for her ex to keep in contact

if he really wanted to keep in touch
he would move heaven and earth
and tell his new gf to wind her neck in

this man is an arse

seems to me julez has done more than enough

I would give him your contact details and leave him to do what he wants

also do you know what it is like for kids to sit there waiting with their coats on
all day
for their bio-dad
to come and pick them up
and then doesnt show

it is soul destroying
I know coz the ex sperm donor
used to do it to my 4
week in week out

in the end after begging, pleading and even getting down on my hands and knees for him to see his kids
he did not bother

anyone can be a father

but it takes someone special to be a dad

good luck julez in whatever you decide coz i think you deserve it
xxx

[Sunnysideup]

desperate, I did say in my post that if the child is let down on an on-going basis then you do have to evaluate whether the upset is worth it to them.

Julez has done lots to help contact along yes, but I think children's contact with their absent parents is worth doing lots - it's part of the responsibility of being a parent and no magical day comes when you think "I've done enough, it won't matter to my child now because I have done enough" It always matters to the child where they came from and what their roots are.

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

ssup well if julez experiences the same kind of upset to her child that i had done to mine

it is not worth it in the long run

as I honestly thought like you re the roots thing was important years ago
but in my situation I made it worse
as I wanted ex to keep in touch
he did not want to know
he wanted his new family and that was that

not until his new family gave him the arse
did he want to know my children
by then it was too late

[julezboo]

thanks ladies

The on going let downs has already happened, we have had alot of occasions where my ds has been sat with his bga packed and coat on ready for an hour, at one point i got fed up rung the ex and he was in blackpool, on holiday with his "family".

I think Im going to leave it in his court now, all this I was doing for him, I did through 4 mc's, wasnt the easiest of times but I tried to keep normality for my ds. When his brother was born for eg. i sent a text to ex asking did he want me to meet him at the hospital so he could take ds up to meet his brother, no reply, I went anyway, from liverpool to ormskirk on a bus, wasnt the nicest of journeys, we sat at that hospital for an hour, he didnt bother showing his face, even though he was the next floor above.

I know with our new baby we will be doing everything we can to keep ds involved not leaving him out. Im not arsed about the money, we dont need it, was only £12 a week anyway cos he lied on his forms.

Everytime I come face to face with ex, his girlf is not to far behind giving me grief, in all honestly I dont think I should have to put me or my ds through that, wouldnt it be better for him to either decide one way or the other if he wants contact or not, rather than coming and going all the time.

He never did stick to my ds's routine on the rare occasion he had him overnight, once asked me to cancel his birthday party that I had booked for weeks so he could spend the day with him, when i would proceeded to uninvite members of his family that I had invited.

He has my number, I will be sending him his school photographs but I dont think I should put my ds or me through anymore hassle!

Thanks again x x x