Ex threatening to take DC away forever.. panicking now.

[AnyoneLegalHere]

I've NC for this because I think he knows my NN on here.

I kicked him out three months ago when he hurt our DS throwing something at me. He came over a few times to see them but after I said he couldn't stay the night (he would get aggressive etc if I tried to get him up in the morning, I had to work so couldn't leave him there... you get the picture) he refused to see them at all. That was about two months ago and he's not seen/spoke to them until yesterday.

Things have been getting better between us and he asked to come over, which I said was fine. I told him it would have to be outside the house but he refused, saying he wasn't being dictated to. Worked that out eventually and he asked about my life etc. I told him I'd seen a friend which he took exception to (because I 'fancy him' apparently), and refused to see them if a certain different friend was in my/their lives.

Now this friend has had a far from ideal past, he had his own DD removed a few years ago because he had a drug habit. He has since moved past this, and is clean and hard working. He's happy for me to do a police check, and I've seen all of the SS reports saying he is a good dad now, and that there's no plan or protection against him seeing his DD.

Ex is unstable. He lives with his Mother, who has had her own DC's removed because of a boyfriend ten years ago. He has tried to commit suicide 6/7 times since last month, and he is unable to look after the DC safely. This is documented, I made sure of that. We had a few instances of bad neglect when they were in his care so it's not me being awkward, he really isn't safe.

If he takes them, can I get them back? Will they take him seriously if he says I'm unfit? They're 2 and 3. I'm really worried, and his Mum is on the warpath too which means she can take him to get them from Pre-school.

If he hasn't seen them for two months he's hardly their prime carer - from what I understand courts rarely agree for children to be moved from their main carer. The suicide attempts are hardly going to help his case either, and you say you have this well documented.

Judging by the threads that come up here it seems to be a threat a lot of Exs make when they're not getting their own way with the aim being mostly that it's saying the thing they know will scare their children's mother the most. Are you afraid he might try to take the children when they're in preschool?

Does he have parental responsibility?

Hi,

I think (hope?) i'm safe if he takes me to court, I've always been their main carer and DS is still BFing, he doesn't have his own home so I don't think they would award him residency.

I am worried that he will just take them, or that he will report me to SS or something. For what I don't know but it worries me that he could cause so many problems for us.

Has has got PR, yes. They have his surname too but I don't know if that changes anything.

I don't understand why you are letting him have access never mind worrying about him having full custody. He doesn't want full custody. He is just saying it to control you,

Let playschool know no one is to collect the children other than you.

They miss him. DD cries every day for him, DS is angry and hits out. I would do anything to ease their pain, as much as I don't like him.

I asked him to maybe give me a phone number DD can call, she loves talking to him on the phone. He said no, he would call on his terms only and whenever he feels like it obviously I'm not letting him do that, it's not good enough.

He is still insisting he will only see them if I agree to his 'terms', which are that he sees them in my house, and I never speak to my friend again. I feel like such a selfish parent denying them this, but I can't let him walk all over me.

Pre-school know, but they can't stop him they said.

Itsfab, any early years establishment in the uk is not allowed to refuse to hand over a child to someone with PR without a court order telling them not to.

Maybe try legal, or relationships which is a much busier board? I'd agree no issue if he took you to court, but you're quite right would be much more complicated if he just took them. I also don't think you have anything to worry about if he reported you to SS. They are very used to time wasting accusations.

Your best bet might be to start the court route yourself? Then you'd be in control, and could put forward what you think would be best. Pre-school would then have a way of preventing him from collecting.

You're not being selfish in the least. I've been through similar myself and it's been a really tough lesson. Your responsibility is to look out for their best interests, and if that means not seeing their Dad, then so be it. He has no right to phone on 'his terms' and certainly not to see them in your home, or to dictate who you speak to. You refuse his demands and he refuses to see the kids... means he sees this as a battle over control, rather than actually wanting to see the kids.

Decide your boundaries and stick to them. Document it all - send him an email stating what you consider appropriate. Outside the home, accompanied would all be reasonable given the issues you've stated. That doesn't have to be supervised by you - you could state that you want a contact centre.

Pre-school can't refuse to hand over the DCs at the moment. But you could explain the situation to them. They could take the time to look into it while calling you, enabling you to come and collect them. If there was an altercation at pre-school they would phone the police.

This has turned out really long! But really reminds me of what I've been through. DD's Dad now doesn't see her at all - he made death threats against me, and I've refused to discuss except in mediation, which he's refused.

I'll ask to get this moved, thanks Noregrets.

It's good to know others have come through this, although a shame you had to. I haven't given in to any demands at all, and after talking again tonight I won't be allowing him to see or speak to them unless in a contact centre.

I've looked into the court root but it seems to cost quite a bit, which I can't afford at the moment. Everything is documented because we talk through an instant messenger luckily.

I'm going to give 101 a call I think, because he has now made worse threats to my friend and I think he has people watching my house. I'm worried what they'll do but we can't ignore him now.

you need to be reporting to police and or ss - also what evidence do you have of his suicide attempts?

but if there is enough reason to now allow contact, show you have offered supervised and he has refused; and put ball in his court.

The bottom line is that if he takes them you will need to make an emergency application to the court to recover them. That's easy enough to do.

The Police or Social Services won't (or shouldn't...but they do sometimes) get involved unless there is a genuine welfare concern. Call the Police and strictly speaking all they'll do is attend his address to make sure your DC are fine.

As he has PR he has a legal status as you do. A nursery, etc. has no legal right to withhold them if he turns up to collect them, etc.

So with all this in mind your course of action is:

1.) If you believe his threats are credible go to the court for an emergency hearing seeking a Prohibited Steps Order. This will be `ex parte' (i.e. he won't be there) and you'll be seeking an interim order that will say he is not to remove the children from your care. The next likely step is he'll be ordered to attend at a subsequent hearing in a few weeks where matters are resolved.

2.) Organise mediation. Don't ask him, just do it. Contact National Family Mediation, explain the situation. If it does go to court (but it's not an emergency application) you will need to do this any way so it's good to get it out of the way AND try to resolve the matter without the stress, upset and cost of court.

Would recommend you join Families Need Fathers (ignore the name!) because this sort of thing comes up all the time. We're getting more and more mums joining - it's for all separated parents.

If you want a chat, give me a shout.

I had something similar. It is worth talking to sols. Any threats report to police.

It really sounds like he simply wants to control you. All the posts seem like they are about control nothing about wanting contact with the kids.

Womens aid can be a great help.

When My Ds started school I spoke to head who I told enough to understand if Ex did turn up my DC was at risk. He has PR . They said legally they can't stop him but they can delay him till I arrive at school.

I personally would stop mentioning Dad at all at home ( if you do) make very little fuss if they are crying for him. They do adapt very quickly.

Someone once said to me. They mention daddy and you analysis it , get s a reaction where they might mention Granny who they see every couple of weeks and we don't have the same emotional charge about it.

I would do absolutely nothing to encourage contact with this man as it sounds like it is nothing to do with the children just about access to you.

If you have ever spoken to a professional about his abuse like a social worker doctor or police officer then you may be able to get legal aid as its still available for DV issues.

You can also get free legal advice from here

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

Hi thanks everyone who's posted more good advice.

I've contacted the police who are coming out to see me tonight, nursery have made a plan of action with me in case he turns up. I'm a bit nervous of ringing SS, they treated some family members horribly when they rang for something not too different to this, but it looks like I've got no choice really.

He broke into my house last night and deleted all of the evidence from my computer, I hadn't got a back up copy unfortunately

Apparently I can get legal aid because of low income, so that's good. Just waiting for the police to come over now, hopefully they'll have something good to tell me.

Did you tell the police about the break in? You must. Then google file recovery services - unless he reformatted your drives you can almost certainly get the files back!

I agree you must inform the police. I don't know about recovering files but this is why police take Laptops away it is easier to search

he broke in? was there damage to a lock? or did he have a key?

report to police !!