Does anyone have a good relationship with their ex?Joint custody?

[5toocoolforschool]

We have 5 children,all under 7,youngest is 9 months.

I really want us to still parent together,is this possible?

this is what we have agreed so far

weekdays, H comes round after work at 6 ish to help with bath and bedtime.

has them 1 night during the week.takes the older 3 to school next morning drops babies here.

has them fri night til Sunday morning.We all spend day together on sunday.

He wouldn’t have youngest overnight til shes stopped bf,but would have her during day on Saturday.

Does this sound OK,or will it not work,is it too much?I explained it to my mum and she sort of said,what’s the point of splitting up?

If you, and he, want it to work then it will. You will make it work.

So he'd have them every weekend? Don't think that's right. And no to spending Sundays together - very confusing for the kids - your mum kinda has a point...

Is your ex going to have them every weekend?

are you going to have any evening to yourself with your kids?

there doesn't seem to be much time for you and the children without your ex unless I'm misunderstanding things.

If that's what both you and your ex have agreed together then I don't see how it won't work if it's what you both want. But doing it like that gives you no time to yourself with the kids.

I don't think spending Sunday all together is a good idea. Your split is very fresh so the children need time to digest and understand Mummy and Daddy are no longer together. Spending every Sunday as a family makes things confusing for them and complicates matters.

why have you split?
you will be spending so much time together it hardly seems worthwhile separating.

either you splitting or you not. if you have good reason not to be together then you not obliged to be together looking after the kids every day/week.

spending time together for big events eg birthdays etc yes of course - but every week? makes no sense and is confusing for kids. him coming to yours confusing for kids. they need to get used to mums house/dads house.

look up local parenting together apart courses might be helpful for you both to discuss how to parent together but separately.

are you deifying parenting together as meaning being together? parenting together with common approach does not mean you have to do it together. it means each separately on their days.

five kids is a lot - so you both might need help when alone with kids but better this from someone else on routine basis?

yes haven't thought about time on my own with them,will mention that.
Although school holidays he will be working so will be on my own all day with them then.

So the school hols wouldn't change either then!

I think this could be v confusing for your dcs - you'll (presumably?) be telling them you've split up but it'll appear as if you haven't if you still do everything together.

Can't see that you are splitting up at all. Have you thought how things might be if/when you both meet new partners? Will these arrangements work then? What about holidays and Christmas, and birthdays?
Sounds like a potential nightmare, your mum definately has a point.

We haven’t told them yet,to be honest,we haven’t formally split up yet but he is definitely moving out.We have told them that daddy is moving to another house but that they will still see him every day and have sleepovers there,they seemed excited more than anything.

I think (i know) he wants us to try living apart but still be together,but im not sure how it would work.

I imagined birthdays Christmases etc would still be spent together,this is why i want us to still be on good terms so that the kids still get that.
It would have to change if we had serious partners but i really don’t think that is going to happen for me,he has said the same but i know in reality he might move on.If we split up properly i would like another relationship at some point in the future but would never move anyone else in to be a step-dad or anything.Not while they are still children.

You might not want a new relationship, a serious relationship or a stepfather to your kids OP, but what if he does (stepmother that is :) )?

I don't know. It all sounds great in theory but.... really?

Part of the "good" bit of divorce and separation is getting to find yourself on your own again. Doing your own thing, parenting the way you want, not having to take another adult into account.

What's the benefit to being apart if he's going to be there the whole time anyway?

It does seem hardly worth splitting up! My sister and ex bil co parent - they do a rolling 2 night schedule. This only works because my ex bil is very laid back about it.

Well that’s what i said,i don’t,he said he doesn’t,but obviously you never know what will happen so he may well do that,and i guess we will deal with it when the time comes.

I agree with the first part of your second paragraph but not the second,i cant just parent the way i want and not take anyone else into account,that sounds selfish to me,he is their parent as much as i am,i wouldn’t be happy if he thought he could just disregard anything when it comes to the kids.I will be single but technically not single parent iykwim.

You'll be spending more time with your ex than I do with my husband! :)

Me and my ex co-parent. Because of his work shifts, he can't have them overnight during the week. They are up at his flat Fri- Sunday. He also takes them during school holidays for a few days when he's off work.

When we first split he was coming around most afternoons after school to see them but that's tapered off, although sometimes he'll pop in, or I'll pop in to his when we're passing. They also used to ring him on the nights he didn't come over, and would ring me when they were with him. This too proved to be a passing phase. As they got older, it's become more of an obligation/ chore to them and they stopped it themselves.

Best of all, he only lives a street away. So now they are older, they go up when they please. I can see in the next few years, them deciding what nights they are sleeping where and I won't have a problem with that.

They were 7 and 9 when we split and are now 11 and 13.

Sorry I think that sounds incredibly confusing. You are either together or you're not. There's no half way house. It sounds as if he actually wants to separate, but it letting you down gently, but you want to stay together.

I'd strongly suggest you see someone from relate to work out how to properly move forward in a way that works for you and the kids.

Thanks Dwerf that’s how i imagine it will be.

Have either of you met anyone else?

I get on better with my ex now than I did when we were together.

No infidelity on either part which I think definitely helps with co-parenting - if one partner has done something despicable it must be a lot harder to be amicable.

My ex only has the DCs overnight once a week, but does sometimes pop round in between times to say hello. However, I'd hate to have him here on a regular basis as it is my home now and he has his own space.

I have met someone else who has a much more involved ex, they live in neighbouring streets so the DCs (& cat!) wander between the two houses and they split overnights 50/50. My DP has the DCs every weekend (which I would find odd, but he is happy with it and his ex also seems ok with not having weekends with her DCs).

Both DP & I share Xmas day and birthdays with the ex and our original families, then have separate celebrations with each other. I think it can work, but I wouldn't have anything set in stone, see how things work out and evolve for you all once he has moved out.

titchy- I don’t know where you’ve got that from,its him that wants to say together but live apart,i am the one who is saying lets split up properly.So why would you think its me that wants to stay together?

Also I want to know why there cant be a halfway house,why?why does it have to be the same as everyone else does?

He hasn't. I've had several brief relationships but not even serious enough to tell the kids, let alone them becoming part of family life. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I've spoken to the kids about new partners, I think that'll get easier as they get older.

We split amicably, if he was to meet someone else now, I'd be pleased for him. As long as she was nice to my kids then there should be few problems.

A poster on the minimalism thread had recently split with her DP. The DCs stay in the family home and there is a small flat nearby. She and XP swap who is with kids and who in the flat, I think 50:50. That way the kids are settled and it's the parents who do all the shuttling back and forth. They get to parent separately and be apart but the DCs are not moved back and forth.

It's a very unusual idea but I see a lot of merit in it. Could this potentially work for you, partic with 5 young DCs to move around?

Potentially,ive not thought of that,im not sure how it would work,he works full time and i am a sahm.I would still have to come back here every day to take the kids to school and look after the little ones while he is at work.I don’t think it would work in our situation but it sounds a nice idea.

Plus on a side note,i would probably spend my time at the flat and hten back here clearing up after him!

Another thought - I have friends who recently split up. He works early shifts, she works 9-5. DCs live with her in family home and he has a flat elsewhere. She does breakfast and school run. He collects from school and does tea at his flat then drops them home to their mum who does bath and bed. The DCs see both parents each day but parents are clearly apart. They then alternate weekends. It is v amicable and they come to things like sports day, parents eve, football matches together but have plenty of apart time.

We tried this up until recently.

It was a disaster. He'd let himself into my house, eat my food, try and impose his rules on us in my house. I did him a massive favour by letting him stay here when he was sick. I was repaid by him bitching about me and my house to his colleagues.

He then walked out in a mood after I refused to stop one of dd2's friends just letting herself in, refusing to let me know when/if he'd be having the children, knowing that by doing so he'd be leaving me in the shit with work/childcare.

The kids didn't see him or speak to him for a fortnight.

It was resolved when I blew up after reading one too many Facebook statuses about what a dedicated family man he is.

He was told yesterday not to contact me unless it directly relates to the children and to stay the hell away from my house. Now he can't have the kids here (and thus have access to my food) he's decided he's unable manage having them for more than a few hours at a time

I think you need some very firm boundaries in place for this to work and to know that he will respect them. My ex used it as an opportunity to continue with his take, take, take attitude.

"clearing up after him..."

says it all.
if you want to keep being his housewife then have him round.
if you want him to learn to clean up after himself (or choose not to) then leave him with kids in his own place.

Kids like arrangements to be definite. They can cope with change but not with instability.

If you and him get on that well and you are convinced you don't want anyone else as a partner then why not weather a rough patch and stay together? You'll have the drawbacks of a marriage but not the rewards, with your proposed arrangement.