Struggling with bullying ex

[TortillasAndChocolate]

I just need to vent really.

My ex wants to see DS who is 3 overnight - fair enough. I totally understand that. I've got a few concerns though - I want to discuss these so we can make sure it goes well and that DS's needs are met. Ex doesn't want to and just says if I don't give him overnight right now, we're going to court.

It's so frustrating. He lies and lies but believes his own lies - he told me yesterday that when we went to court the judge said contact needed to progress to overnight in 3 months. She did not say that - she said that the parents should be deciding when to progress to overnight, not the court and that we should do that at DS's pace. He either truly believes his version, or he's lying and knows he is.

One of my main concerns is that he lives with his girlfriend and her three children - he says DS has his own room there but I don't see how - it's a 3 bedroom house. I don't want DS sharing a bedroom with a teenager, particularly one I've never met. DS usually sleeps in with me - which is another concern. Overnights really worry me - if DS gets really upset and anxious, I know ex won't tell me.

He called me a fucking little prick on the phone yesterday - then when I asked why he said that, he denied it and said I was obviously going mad and laughed.

I don't really know what to do for the best - I want DS to have a good relationship with his dad, and I want overnights to go well when they happen. But I'm also so concerned about Ex's temper, and his lying and his bullying, and I'm worried about sleeping arrangements and also what will happen if DS gets upset in the night.

He says I'm the only person he's ever been like this with. Is that likely? He just says if I didn't wind him up so much he wouldn't get angry.

Insist on written communication only going forward. Text and email. That will cut down on the amount of abusive language.

With contact try to reach a compromise. Agree to overnights but set down conditions which you want him to adhere to. If you show him some level of trust here he may hopefully then be more responsible going forward and may look to address some of your concerns himself. A little bit of trust shown from an ex partner goes a long way.

No op its not likely that you are the only person he's been like that with.

It's called gas lighting and is a form of abuse. Have you got RL advice and support?

Gaslighting pfffffff He just wants things his way. Normal kind of dispute that needs to be resolved by setting down some ground rules and then compromising on other issues.

Ds may get upset but it will be up to his dad to comfort him.
Rather you can monitor how ds is when he comes back, if he is happy and calm between visits.

Up to dad Also to arrange where he sleeps .

tom

Saying people in authority have said something has to be a certain way when that is not true,trying to say or convince another person they are mad,saying stuff then straight away saying you didn't are all behaviours known as gas lighting.

Of course he may also just want things the way he wants them but his methods are abusive.

The op has not even indicated she has any intention of preventing overnights. She just wishes to be a responsible parent and discuss them and the child's needs before they commence, her concerns are perfectly valid ones and all of them are very relevant to her child's welfare.

There is nothing wrong at all with two parents consulting each other and sharing information

Thanks for your replies.

NeedsAsock - you're right, he is abusive. I just find it hard to say it because it sounds so huge and like I'm being dramatic. As soon as I try to voice a concern - which I try hard to do in a nice way so I don't upset him, he just says I'll see you in court then and you'll be laughed out of there.

It's frustrating because hes right in some ways - a court probably would give him overnight contact, which is fair enough. But I'm assuming in that situation that I could possibly voice my concerns to Cafcass and they may even check his living arrangements are suitable for a pre-schooler and then if they are, brilliant.

I've also offered mediation if he doesn't want to discuss it one on one, but he laughs and says he'd rather just go to court.

It's mad really because a bit of calm reassurance from him, and listening to my concerns would go a long way and make me feel much less uneasy about the whole thing.

This is going back a while now, but when he first left he didn't see DS very much for the best part of a year. It's a very long story which I won't bore you with but I spent a long time encouraging him to see DS, which he either refused to do or just made it very difficult. He was spending all his spare time with the OW and just wasn't interested. But he then told OW and his family that I had stopped him seeing DS for a year. It's really not true at all, but makes him look better and it's a story he's stuck to. He took me to court and the judge couldn't understand why as I'd agreed to contact, there was nothing to resolve. But even when just the two of us are there he will say that I stopped him seeing DS for a year - we both know I didn't do that, but he swears blind i did and that he will tell DS when he's older.

I have no idea how to deal with this side of him. Sometimes I think it's just all about power and winning for him.

I also wouldn't pay any attention to anything the tomLondon poster has put anywhere he's openly boasting on other threads (well he was until he was banned by mnhq) about intentionally dodging maintainance because he is not allowed unsupervised access to his kids (court ordered) and that he actively campaigns for and helps other deadbeat parents dodge maintainance,he also likes to minimise violence against women and children.

Occasionally in this topic we get a few of those they like to call abuse 'different parenting styles' and blame women for everything because we are apparently all contact blocking jealous bitches who tell lies.so are best ignored

Oh and all ex's that don't bother come out with crap like that all the time obviously because if they admit they didn't bother they have to admit to being really a bit of a nasty bastard so they blame it all on the ex as it makes it easier,courts are very very used to it.

To put your mind at rest have a quick chat with these people

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

Free actual real life legal advice

Hi tortillas, your ex sounds like he is very narcissistic. He isn't going to change and I recommend counseling to help you keep things in perspective and find the right approach in dealing with him. I am going through a similar situation, my son is nearly 2.5yrs and he is definitely not ready for overnights but I have been bullied by my ex and his family for so many changes that are completely impractical and not in our sons best interests. I've only just figured out that i had been living with a narcissist for 9 years. They lie and lie and lie to suit their own delusions and denial, and yes it's definitely gas lighting. My ex has made out to his family that I am crazy and abusive he is just projecting his own behaviour all the time it's unbelievable. I don't trust him at all now, and while I have overnight custody at present I know that will change soon and I'm dreading it. I'm really happy for our son to spend time with his dad but it's just so hard when you know that don't meet or even anticipate his needs. I worry about my so s future having such a controlling father, so my priority is to make sure his anxiety is managed as much as possible even if I have to be the bad guy all the time. My ex has 3 older daughters and 2 of them suffer terrible anxiety and I know most of it is down to bad parenting from both parents. It's so easy for a narcissist to blame everyone else for things that go wrong in their lives and not take Any responsibility. These forums help me vent and just know others are going through similar situations. Some days I'm strong some days I'm a mess. At least I'm not stuck in an environment where I am being undermined and criticized day after day hour after hour. It's been a huge learning curve and taught me to value myself and know what things in life I strongly value and try to keep them in focus.
We only communicate by email and text now but I dread reading my texts now in case they are from him. It's going to take a long time to get over that panic and fear of abuse. But we women are very strong and I guess we will overcome in time...(I hope!!) thank heavens for trashy tv, chocolate, wine and good friends and neighbours!