So upset ds's absent dad only sees him 5ons a week :(

[nappyrat]

That's it really. He works too late to see ds awake in week and then said (after I asked) he wanted to see ds 'Saturday morning' this weekend. I texted back fine see you at 9 - no reply. And he turned up at 10.10, went to the park & returned at 11 saying he had to go and see a (mutual) male friend. I'm just so gutted for my lovely ds that his dad seems so utterly disinterested. :-(

Any tips from other Mums on how to get him to see him more?

Sorry not the answer you want but you can't.

How old is DS?

Next time be clear what hours?

Does he have a regular access schedule?

If it is regularly like this sounds like he is simply ticking off seen son along with buy milk and bread.

Its hard isnt it? I really feel for you.My ex and I have been separated 2 years and access was always sporadic despite me trying to get him to have dd more. Finally now that he has a new qirlfriend with a child he is prepared to see her one weekend every 4 weeks!!
Sorry havent really got any advice apart from be clear with boundaries.x

You can't sadly :( you have to watch and compensate for their disappointment until they are old enough to realise their dad's are rubbish and make their own minds up and they do.

My youngest hasn't seen his dad for 3 weeks today and doesn't even mention him at all.. thankfully he and his stepdad are great friends and it's him who he looks forward to seeing.. something his dad hates but it's his own fault. My older 2 bother with their dad when they feel like it.

Make them available for contact and don't prevent it.. that's all you can do. Well unless you have something planned that day.

This is hard to say but, you cannot make the other parent take interest in them if they are not that fussed so, I would say that the best thing is for you not to make a fuss of visits/contacts with your child either.

I have found the following helpful:

• do not tell the child about the visit in advance, if he doesn't know he was coming, he will not feel ignored when dad doesn't show up.
• if he knows he was coming and didn't show up, do not try to justify the other parent's actions or lie. Don't say he didn't show up because he was busy at work, etc. Just say the truth: you don't know why he didn't show up and acknowledge your child feelings (having an interesting plan "b" in case he doesn't show up is also a good way to stop them focusing in the rejection).
• as for late turn ups, just say that you are going out half an hour after the arranged pick up time and leave the house if he is not there by that time.
• The same goes for returns, if you agreed he was bringing him back at a certain hour leave the house until that time, until dad realises that parenting is not just about the fun times and learns to cope with boredom, upset, or difficult times.

I have to say, however, that the fact that he is showing so little interest so early on, it is not a good sign at all, so try to get with terms with the idea that his lack of interest has nothing to do with your actions or those of your child.

Unfortunately, most times you hear a man complaining that the mum doesn't let him see his children, you will be in front of a guy who is not bothered to adapt himself a bit to make space for contact (because those who care turn the world around to see their children no matter how much work and commitments they have and regardless of how difficult the mum could be).

Thanks for the advice. My heart just breaks for ds. But you're right there is nothing I can do.

The irony is that my ex is amazing with kids - he's just spent a week on holiday with his nieces & nephews, and all weekend with a divorced mate & his ds. And all the adults think he's fab with kids - which he is when it means playing & larking around. But when it comes to making sure they eat, sleep etc it seems he just can't be bothered.

Such a massive massive disappointment. I thought id married an amazing man who'd be an amazing father and he is one if the worst I've ever seen.

Don't beat yourself about that. It is not your fault and there's nothing you can do about it. You cannot build a father and son relationship in his behalf. He has to do that himself.

The only thing you can do about it is to minimise the effect his behaviour has on DS by acknowledging his feelings without allowing him to victimise himself, then distract, distract, distract.

I feel you pain, I've been through similar with my ex, though a year down the line finally I feel he is becoming slightly more interested in seeing his kids, though only if it suit him, but I would suggest firstly be a accommodating as possible with communications regarding contact, hopefully with time your ex may find it more 'fun' spending time with your ds as your ds grows and becomes more independent, and secondly make sure your ds knows that the current lack of contact is absolutely nothing to do with ds, not his fault etc, and hopefully by being patient and as encouraging to your ex as possible he will get there, as hard as it is for you as I suspect that like me I found and still find dealing with a complete to**er really hard and thank goodness for email as then it is easier to let things go!

Feeling your pain too. My DS (16) said to me the other day "I look at other dads with their sons and they're genuinely interested and my dad just isn't". It may me feel so sad. Ironically, ex H thinks he's a great dad.

I could have written this 3 years ago. The answer, as others have said, is that you cant.

I spent 2 years begging and organising all to no avail. In the end we moved back to my home town, we visit Aprox 6 times a year to see friends and EX's family and dd may see her dad for an afternoon or whatever.

All you can do is maintain contact and accommodate his enthusiasm without being a doormat. Ensure that when he is old enough, if the situation is no better, your ds has the option and the opportunity to contact his dad. Never bad mouth his dad to him, answer his questions and be prepared for the inevitable 'why don't I have a daddy like so-and-so?' (Dd has just got to that point, it's heartbreaking).

You cannot force a man to be a dad however you can ensure that your child is perfectly happy without one.

Good luck x

Mitzi. Same here DS said one day that he wanted to have a dad, when I said he already had one, he told me that he wanted a good one, not the crappy one that he got. :-(