How much contact for a 1 year old?

[worried78]

Asking for my friend who doesn't have net access while she's moving.
She is wondering how much contact she should expect to allow her ex.
Her Dd and father get on good he makes a lot of effort and wants to eventually aim for 50/50 - but she's only will to go with 4 hours one day a week for the next 6 months. I have said this isn't enough, she would like other peoples opinions please.

Are we talking just 1 or nearly 2 which would make a difference to me.

It also depends how much contact input he has previously had. by this I mean if he is the one to get up in the night no reason why he shouldn't have overnight contact.

Is she breast feeding?

With the tiny ones little and often is recommended but would have to factor in how far away he is.

There are so many variables in these situations.

How far away does the father live?

Do both parents work?

Does the father have a 9-5 Mon-Fri job?

I think that it is considered best if the child sees the non resident parent little and often and that is easier if the Dad lives nearby so could do something like a weeknight pickup from childcare plus drop off as well as a weekend day.

Sorry, of course this would help.

She lets him have one hour periods in her home, once a week and he is now asking for more and has mentioned taking the issue to court. She said that he said his solicitor told him he would and should be getting more time.
She also said he is calling her an over protective blocky mother, their relationship is very heated even though they have both moved on and they don't agree on anything.
He buys gifts and she moans how he never comes empty handed, he paid maintenance, until she stopped the csa case because she said she was fed up of feeling brought off.
He lives 20-30 mins away I think and doesn't work he is doing a few evening classes and she said he is thinking about set up a from home business.
He did offer to have her daughter while my friend is at work now maternity leaves over, but her mum has her instead. Her daughter is 12 months, on solids and beaker fed, formula for bed.
They (her daughter and dad) get along great, shes always moaning how he has pics up on facebook of them, I have looked and her daughter looks happy. She says shes happy in his company too.
I have told her I agree I think she is being abit possessive and needs to realise she is their daughter, not hers. But she says that with one hour a week, he isn't a real dad. - but then wont let him have more time, so its a vicious circle.

Based on what you say yes I agree. Child can't build up a relationship with Dad if he doesn't see her. At one he should be able to take her out and yes court would give him more as it seems his greatest crime is buying presents and putting pics on FB.

If she is happy for Daughter to spend time with mum then no reason why she can't be away from mum to see Dad. At this point it would be ideal for him to spend some time with Dad while mum is at work give grandma more free time.

She sounds awful. If you have any contact with him, I would advise him to go to court if she won't bend at all.

I agree she sounds awful.

I can't imagine only seeing my one year old a few hours a week. Makes me feel sick.

My dp has always had his dd 50% of the time, since she was 18 months and his wife divorced him. He should seek legal advice.

Sounds like he already has a solicitor. She needs to get realistic. If he pushes for it, every other weekend up to 50/50 would not be unrealistic.

DH and I have already agreed 50/50 care should we ever split (though I accept that things may change!) so I cant imagine how hard it must be for him to go down to one hours access a week in her home.

As a start point - collect after work Friday and return her Sunday am. Then one day a week for daytime only.

What reasons has she given for such limited restricted contact between their DD & her ex? She seems to have little understanding or appreciation of what her DD's rights are, and her responsibility as her mother. Unless he's demonstrated a neglectful/incompetent side to care for their DD I can't see where she's coming from.

As a friend who has been asked for an opinion, I'd suggest you highlight the fact he's already got a solicitor & if she doesn't demonstrate a willingness to facilitate their relationship beyond the limited time he's had so far (unless there are safety/abuse/neglect issues) then all she'll do is delay the inevitable, and lose any chance she has now to have input in how/when/how often contact happens. If he's appointed a solicitor she's taking a huge chance in being obstructive as none of this will reflect well on her if he moves forward with court, again, unless there are welfare concerns which she can document.

She has a solicitor, although I not asked much about it. To be quite honest I tend to switch off.
I am a single mum myself, my ex is a loony - id give anything for my kids father to be like my friends ex in all honesty.

Her reason is - she doesn't like him. They dated 7 weeks. They broke up one month, two months later he moved on - she told him see was pregnant the same month but having an abortion, they met up and agreed this.

She couldn't do it, and didn't tell ex - he found out via a 20 week scan picture on Facebook.
She moved on with someone else and now I think she just wants to pretend he doesn't exist. I get we all want a happy ending - but their daughter in my eyes, deserves to know her dad.
He has fought to see their baby, she gave in and let him have this contact. They have always been in touch, he has been requesting contact since she recovered the birth.
I think it's just they don't get on, and because he has moved on with a woman with kids. She's never raised any concerns with me, other than 'I don't like him'
I've told her I don't agree, she is just.. Infuriating on this topic to be honest, with my own issues with my ex I just don't get her.

I don't sound like a very good friend do I? :(
It's just frustrating for me to look upon

I have a friend like this and it is frustrating but her daughter now has great relationship with her dad but is very mixed up and has lots of uncontrolled anger.

I think a real friend does tell it straight

You can't pretend to like/understand what she's doing if you don't agree with it. That doesn't make you a bad friend. If I was in your shoes I'd feel the same, I'd give my eye teeth for my ex to be so determined/committed to our DD, just like you. And my DD has a great relationship with her dad, even if it is sporadic/on his terms.

If she's asking you your opinion, in your shoes I'd freely give it, straight, and repeat until she either 'gets' this is about her DD's right to know her dad, or she stops asking your opinion. No point in pretending it's all fine when it clearly isn't, not by any measure of what is a reasonable amount of contact.

As there are no concerns about the care he provides, he should be seeing his child little and often. a couple of hours two or three times a week. court sounds like a good option.

Blackeyedsusan- A couple of hours two to three times a week isn't necessary for a one year old. No reason at all why he can't have his daughter for a day or a night.

She's Facebook messaged me saying she's stopping contact as he told the daughter off and pointed at her and that she's not raising her daughter in an abusive and aggressive manner and is reporting it to child services!!
I feel awful for thinking this but I think i am going to try to contact him. I think she's lost the plot, and needs help. That or she is just evil. No way would child services believe pointing and saying no to a 1 year old was abusive would they? She says he did it because she put a choking hazard in her mouth - surely that's just take precautions with his daughter?
I think it's just to put a spanner in the works before he goes to court.

It does sound like a desperate attempt to undermine his position but I anticipate she'll not get the reaction she thinks she will. Again, I don't see a problem in telling her that, how ridiculous this will sound to any normal person, & that she'll just make his case for him (being obstructive) when he takes her to court.

Alternatively, just let her carry on and make his case for him, and he'll get the result he's looking for via court despite her efforts.

Either way, she'll not get very far with stopping contact over telling a 1 yr old off for putting a chocking hazard in her mouth.

I think your instinct is right - contact him. Friendship is one thing, but you've tried to reason with her and she is now putting her own feelings above the well-being of her child. She'll do exactly the same when she breaks up with this new bloke she's with. Tell him to contact FNF for support and consider self-representing - if he's not working he won't be able to afford a sol for long. He will get more contact.