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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Could just cry :'(

19 replies

grumpychops1 · 01/09/2014 20:05

HATE my ex with a passion.
3 kids, 12, 10 and 6.
12 yr old lives with him.
Contact with me and 12yr old sporadic, wish it was so much more but just spent a full week together and he's agreed to one more often, hopefully every weekend.
Ex completely refuses I see the other two? Why?
I've tried so hard
He's started court action despite me offering him every contact possible.
Then he withdrew because he fell out with SW and felt he wouldn't get a fair hearing.
Today I've set up a Calender on outlook, email and password all given to him.
Suggested the following:
Wk1 - him, all 3 all weekend
Wk2- him fri, me sat
Wk3- me all weekend all 3
Wk4- me fri, him sat
Gives him a free weekend as he needed a "break" wanted to work some Saturdays yet he still see them 3/4 (EOW wast enough he said)
I've just had a notification that details have been changed in the Calender. He's taken all his days off.
I'm so upset and angry!!
Why would he see one and not the other two!
Absolutely sick to death!!

OP posts:

BeyoncesCat · 01/09/2014 20:08

Sorry to hear all this! So he's refusing you see all the children?

Have you spoke to a legal team? You have rights to see your own children especially when your making so much effort! Don't give up whatever you do x

Original poster

grumpychops1 · 01/09/2014 20:30

Eldest lives with him. He's refuses to see the other two.

OP posts:

Original poster

grumpychops1 · 01/09/2014 20:32

Sorry, didn't answer properly as I'm so angry. He'll allow eldest to come to me but he won't have the other two.
Just so unreasonable!

OP posts:

BeyoncesCat · 01/09/2014 21:06

Oh sorry read it wrong. It's a way to control you! You can't force him to see them which is hard I know but he's truly is the only one missing out.

Why is your relationship with him so strained?

Original poster

grumpychops1 · 01/09/2014 21:35

Cause I left him basically, it's been goin on over 18 months now. I just don't thinks he's over it yet. Can't understand why he would punish the kids though.

OP posts:

BlackDaisies · 02/09/2014 06:55

You need to take this to court, for the sake of all the children. What he's doing isn't right, the younger two must be so hurt. The older one is probably really confused. You need to save all your offers of contact. Make sure it's all in writing.

17leftfeet · 02/09/2014 07:07

My ex does this

You cannot force him to have them

I tried the 'all or no one' approach but it only hurt the DCs more

It's tough but you need to keep reminding yourself that he's a prick and one day the children will see that for themselves

ChiefBillyNacho · 02/09/2014 08:51

What I worked out with my ex was that if I ever asked him then he'd say no. It's the same with anything - his default position to me is to do the opposite of what he thinks I'm asking. Even down to not answering texts if I ask a question.

He was so keen to paint me as the bad guy, and he couldn't do that if I was offering loads of contact. So he would refuse and then say I was stopping him from seeing her!

Nowadays I leave it up to him. If he wants to see her he can say so. If he doesn't its not my responsibility - his relationship with dd is down to him, not me.

Original poster

grumpychops1 · 02/09/2014 10:38

Thanks.

Blackdaisies, court this week. I tried the routine or nothing approach and it didnt work, eventually he took me to court, then cancelled his request for contact. Hearing still going ahead. Section 7 being heard at the hearing.
All 3 children on the child in need plan. Considering asking it to be raised to the child protection plan, him refusing contact with two is doing so much damage to all three.
What do you think? Would you request it?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/09/2014 13:05

no point forcing contact. him with the other two.

yes you can ensure you get proper contact with your oldest.

if it upsets the children get some support/help eg family therapist to talk to them.

why are they bothered? because of not seeing dad/rejection or seeing their brother?

if the solution is that you get oldest regular contact and this is when the younger ones see their brother then so be it...no point sending them to see a dad who doesn't want them. what is the point? find a way to support them thru this and that they know you not stopping the contact.

if he doesn't want to see the younger two he can explain this to judge - you don't need to. you just need to show you have offered contact and he is refusing. for younger ones.

for older just make sure you get regular contact written in stone.

starlight1234 · 02/09/2014 13:13

Do you have no idea at all why he doesn't want to see the other 2?

Unfortunately you can't make him see the other 2.

I would focus on ensuring you get contact with all 3 and let him fight for the rest..Otherwise you are banging up against a brick wall.

Why are you going to court if he has cancelled? We had a cafcass report done.Ex pulled out of court but Cafcass said they would hold report incase he re applies to court in the future

Original poster

grumpychops1 · 02/09/2014 13:29

Thanks guys.

feels loads better today. Youre right.
Im hoping I can ask for a contact order to be made in his absense so I can still see the oldest.

Hearing is still going ahead because the email he sent to the court basically reads he feels he wont get a fair hearing because the SW hasnt returned his calls or has failed to turn up to appointements. Although a duty social worker has done what she was supposed to.
he also had a massive fall out with SW and became quite aggressive in one meeting, my solicitor said it looks like hes cancelled because things are not going his way. Effectivly not cancelled as he needs permission for this.

Thanks again all. I'll update in the week after the hearing.

OP posts:

BlackDaisies · 06/09/2014 00:18

How did it go?

loopdaloop · 06/09/2014 08:51

Awful. The judge refused to make an order because it was his application and he wanted to with draw, reason for withdrawal was because he'd fallen out with the social worker!
Anyway, eldest came to live with me last night, ex went to work after packing the eldest a bags, told him "to be gone" by the time he gets back from work, then he rang school to tell them he wouldn't be in!
Eldest rang me hysterical threatening to hang him self, 999 was dialled and we manged to calm him down.
Social services as he hasn't to return to dad now as this has become a child protection issue.
Least my sons safe.
He's staying here now,seen the light and isn't really interested in seeing dad.
I'm applying for my own court order this week.

loopdaloop · 06/09/2014 08:55

Sorry, name change!

BlackDaisies · 06/09/2014 12:06

At least your son is with you and you have ss support now. Hope you are relaxing this weekend. Do you have any idea why your ex did that? I thought he wanted the oldest boy with him?

loopdaloop · 06/09/2014 14:34

Weekend isn't it! New girlfriend, wants to go out. Same happened last week, wot be happening again because he won't go back this time.
In the words of a 12 yr old "he (dad) best not ring me when she dumps him"
Everyone told me, one day he will see for himself, I never believed them. I do now.

Simile · 09/09/2014 23:08

Hope things are going ok with you and your DS loop.

loopdaloop · 10/09/2014 17:46

They're ok.
Just really struggling to get hold of social worker.
It's early been a week now since dad kicked him out, he's late for school everyday cause I can't possibly be in two place at once. Ideally I need to move his school but I need reassurance that it's gonna be ok :(
Dad told him Tuesday he was flying out on holiday, we think all the action from weekend was on purpose so he could, he also told him he could "go back whenever" when he gets back!!
Furious.
I've emailed his mum today in the hope of some kind of way to move forward for the kids sake by she did nothing but abuse me and bring up the past. My time with that family is done.

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