How does one detach from an abusive ex?

[honey86]

Just been on the recieving end of another hateful outburst from ds's dad, very mentally and verbally abusive, lots of blaming and threats of turning ds against me in the future via text because contact isnt going his way.
I really want to stop being so easily hurt by his crap and be like 'meh' but im in floods of tears right now. Such nasty words and they hurt like hell

I really wish I knew the answer to this I am having the same problem. I'm sorry you're going through it too I know how exhausting and frustrating it is :( Hope someone else can come along and help you more

Do you have a solicitor? Ask for all contact with you to go through your solicitor if you have. Or get a separate phone for contact with ex and you can then turn it off when it gets too much.

If he's being abusive, talk to the police who will initially give him "a talk" which might make him think twice.

Keep any contact you do have with him very brief and factual only. It's a challenge not to rise to their bait but I felt so much better when I just ignored it all.

I do feel for you op.

Neither I nor my ex has resorted to solicitors as a) we just aren't litigious types and would have found it too stressful and b) neither of us could have afforded one jot of that out of our incomes.

I still have to keep on good terms with my ex as best I can but to cut a long story short over the 9 years of liaising with him he has proved over and over to be a demoralising influence. My hands are tied as I need the maintenance and it would be easy for him to walk away and move back to Jamaica which he has not done so I am just grateful I am receiving the money to be honest.

I am not sure what the answer is op but I do understand!

How long have you been separated?
My ex used to be the same, it's been a year now and I find myself just giggling at his outbursts. He used to really hurt me, one day whilst collectin the kids he whispered in my ear "best thing you can do now is go kill ya self!" I was mortified!
Now, it just goes over my head, I just see it a him bein the one with the issues, he's the one that's hurting, deep down.

We separated in pregnancy because he got too controlling, and threatened a malicious social services call if i didnt take him back. that was about a year ago. He came back asking for contact being lovely n patient saying he regretted it all. Then he started hoovering me back in raking up old feeling, then the abuse started again, the lying, mind games, two timing, devaluing, blaming. Today hes threatened to say things to ds that would make him feel disgusted and sickened by me etc etc etc.
i dont have a solicitor. He said he does cos hes fighting to get contact with his dd (his ex refused contact cos of verbal abuse) but refuses to tell me who it is. he made that threat because i asked him 'why cant u take it to court, you can affort a court order if you can afford a pissup in spain on top of your solicitors fees'
It was a nasty reaction to me cos i had the nerve to tell him his behaviour is wrong and that id rather the court sort it x

My ex used to run me down to my ds when he was only about 5 or 6 and then ds would come home and tell me what he had said.

Whereas I have tried to be a veritable saint and not run the ex down whatsoever in front of ds so he had his father in his life.

However now access is only allowed as supervised for a while owing to him hitting ds and other emotional mental and physical abuse it is only now that I have reached the end of my tolerance levels with him that I tell ds the truth of how I feel about him. Ds is now 9 and can rationalise and philosophise quite well so I know he isn't upset about this and he is all the happier for not staying with his dad.

honey86 no doubt you realise the ex is talking bull about the solicitor as odds on he can't afford one only extremely few people these days can afford the courts and many people self-represent when they do have to go to hearings.

Nonetheless it is still nasty crap that we have to listen to isn't it and a further thing that we have to deal with!

I just feel so hurt. Ive given him chance after chance both withme and with ds. No matter how much hes hurt me ive always turned up for contact, yet still im going to get smeared as someone whos anti-dad? After burying my 3 elder kids' dad and raising them alone why the hell would i wana be in this situation!

His abuse at me earlier was like being repeatedly stabbed with words. twice i rang my mum in floods of tears cos it got too much. there was no reasoning with him he was just out of his tree with narc rage. the hate in his words when he spoke of women- never have i heard anything so misogynistic in my life. He truly sees women as less worthy than men.

I just wish hed stop bluffing and get it in court so i can at least get some kindof legal boundaries in place for ds. This kindof behaviour could really damage him

Don't take calls from him. He can text email our leave a voicemail. Then there is a record too. Keep your own record of any incidents during contact etc. Don't try to reason with him. He can't be reasoned with.

Keep any correspondence short and to the point. Only respond to relevant bits. Ie contact times. You tell him when and where. You dint key him chop and change.

Consider stopping contact altogether and letting him take you to court of he can be bothered.

"don't let him"

Yes, stop all calls, change your number. I did. Contact is now only via email and of course unless I see his ugly mug, which is very rarely.
No parent like to be told they are wrong, doing wrong or pulled up on their parenting skill. maybe mediation would help, have you tried that?
The court expects you to have tried mediation before a case can be brought to court.

How would mediation be organised? Wouldi need to sort it? Would he be able to give me abuse? Ive never had to do it before. My elder kids late father was a diamond im new to this kindof thing

My exh made my life hell for 7 years. I had to change numbers frequently, and both me and my son had to have throwaway phones because otherwise I was constantly harassed.

He was cautioned several times for harassment, there was an anti molestation order in place and mediation was thrown out of the window due to the threats he had made on mine and my families life.

In the end we ended up with an email address for each other and that was it, nothing else.

I ended up taking him to court for residence of our son because he was a flight risk and once I had that in place I felt far more confident in telling him to do one. It must have shifted 'the power' for him too because after that he calmed down substantially. Although I still had to put my foot down a couple of times because he tried to bully me via his solicitor and after sending her a copy of the court paperwork she stopped acting for him funny thing that

Anyway, my advice. Get a cheap payg or just give him your email address. Don't give him any of your real numbers and only turn the payg on one day per week.

I asked if hed consider mediation today and i got vile comments back accusing my family of abusing my kids. As if!!! We had words and eventually after first refusing he agreed to mediation. But i have a horrible sick feeling in my throat that this will all end in tears. That he'll start making my life hell with accusations and lies and malicious reports. But also, if im going to tell him to do one, i want to know in my heart of hearts, that ive exhausted other options first. Hes constantly accusing me of not being an 'adult' not thinking of ds. If thats the case, i wouldnt have given him as many opportunities to prove himself as i have
Im scared

Are you me?
Don't worry and don't be scared. We tried mediation, he didn't turn up. The mediator is there to listen, not to judge.
I've bent over backwards for my ex and even now the children are in the cp register, he still continues to be a controlling arsehole.
He will pull out all the stops to make you look bad, my ex used to ring the police and lie, set me up good and proper he did, at the end of the day te people who truly matter know what's true.
Don't worry. Attempt mediation, hope he doesn't show and then let him take you to court, probably and idle threat, if you've exhausted all avenues the courts will see through his bullshit!

Don't go anywhere near mediation! It's useless when you are dealing with abusive men. Contact Women's Aid and get legal help; cut contact with this dick as much as possible and surround yourself with legal protection.
He can be put firmly in his place. He does not have superpowers. With time, practice and a good legal structure, you will be able to laugh at him for being the loser he is. Good luck.

^ what solid said.

if he is being abusive and you feel intimidated you can always ring the police.

Hi, another narcissist by the sounds of it... I just tried mediation, it was aborted due to ex's abusive behaviour. (Verbal and emotional) the mediator was so shocked at his blatant abusive attitude, but they have seen it all before so dont tolerate anything abusive at all. They were great, and even tho we didn't get to go ahead with mediation it was just so good to have other people witness what was happening to me every day for years and validate me.. The mediation system is very good, you can be in separate rooms and even have a support person with you. My ex tried to play the victim and make out I had major mental health issues (which he has convinced his entire family, so therefore they all ended up bullying me) and that I was the one being abusive, but mediation revealed his true colours. It was such a relief and I was so stressed before attending but it was the best because there were finally 3 other witnesses actually seeing my daily ordeal. I'm now taking him to court for custody and had counseling with a behavioural psychologist who advised me to stop all contact unless it was very brief and factual and not to respond to all the nasty texts and emails because that's what they want, your attention, so if you don't respond they don't win. My ex is not allowed in my house at all now and that has made a huge difference. If you can afford it get some professional counseling, it will help you with perspective, validation, implementing boundaries etc. I now understand I'm dealing with someone with a personality disorder so I am unable to rationalize with him, but it's taken me 9 years to leave him and figure it all out because emotional abuse is so complex and often so subtle you don't even realise it's abuse! I'm now able to laugh at his ridiculous abusive texts whereas before I would be so upset.. I still stress when my phone rings or texts but it's getting better all the time, and I'm getting stringer each day. All the best.