How do you cope if you're a single parent, working full time, with no family nearby?

[whiteypants]

I've changed my name for this post.

I'm giving serious thought to ending my relationship with my partner, with whom I have two children, aged 4 (DD) and 3 (DS). I don't want to go into the reasons - I had another thread for that! - but I would hope it to be a very amicable separation.

From next week, DD will be going to school full-time, and DS will be at playgroup 3 days a week, both of which is roughly 9am-3pm. I work full-time, and am about to start a new job an hour's drive from where we live. In time, I can probably work at home around 3 days a week, but at least in the beginning I will be leaving early and coming home late. Currently, DP cares for the children full-time while I am the sole breadwinner. If we separated, I expect that DP would help with the childcare, but he'd probably also have to get a job too (in order to afford separate accommodation - we live in a very expensive part of the country). So, we might have to get an extra source of childcare. We have no family for 200 miles, nor anyone else who could offer free/cheap childcare.

I'd just like to know how other single parents cope with this sort of situation? Do you find yourself spending every spare penny on childcare? Any good tips for how to cope? We currently rent, but I'm saving for a deposit on a house and hope to buy somewhere next autumn, so don't want to be wasting my previous savings on childcare when I could be putting them towards a secure, permanent home for my children ...

To give a bit more info, moving closer to my new workplace isn't an option. It's in an even more expensive area of the country than where we currently live, and anyway we're tied to DD's school now and hope to get DS into the same one when we apply for his place in January.

Hope you're OK,whiteypants

Might your potentially STBEP go for joint/sole custody?

If so, your childcare costs for at least half of the week would be covered, but you might find yourself having to pay maintenance.

I don't mean to sound cold hearted, or to cause upset, but I do know someone who this happened to.

If I were your OH, and was used to being a SAHD, I'd want to continue with that role if at all possible, rather than getting a job and "helping out with childcare."

With the cost of living being so expensive in your area, though, perhaps he wouldn't be in a position to continue with the status quo of being a SAHD, as you suggest.

Are you sure that your OH won't move to a less expensive area, so that he can continue to be a SAHD?

Hope you are able to sort it out, and that your partner is indeed amicable, and that these issues are not something that you have to deal with.

Good luck with your new job, hope things work out well.

get an au pair who can do both homes or just yours if they going to be half the time with dad
have you asked your P if he would wish to work or could get a job? what if he refuses? what if he says well the kids live with me and you do visitation ?

and child care costs are a fact of life.... until they secondary age.

I would second Au Pair - peace mind of you as you need to leave on time every day.
After 8-9 hours in the office + 2 hours commuting you would be coming home to kids already there and not having to pick them up.

Would you get some tax credits towards childcare?

If he has been doing childcare so far do you want to disrupt that? Do you want to do weekends/some evenings?

I have a friend from school whom I have known for years who used to use an au pair for her 3 young children until they got older when her mum stepped in and did part of the week instead. They are now in their teens and one is leaving home but I do recall her saying it was better than a childminder as she could do washing and ironing for her. The childminders have the benefit of doing their own housework alongside the job and their own washing and ironing as well as earning, no disrespect to them as I think they are indispensable. My friend lives in Surrey and about 7 or 8 years ago it used to cost £150 a week. It seemed an awful lot to me at the time but now I am a seasoned single parent with 9 years experience of the job I have to say it is a bit of a bargain for 3 children and esp. if they can do some housework for you.

Good luck with whatever route you decide.

You have to have room in the house for an au pair though. Few people near me have that.

kids at young age can share
mine did until they were ds 8 and dd 10

I had then spare room for an au-pair

Thanks very much everyone!

I've come to the conclusion that I can't afford to do this. The au pair suggestion is a good one, and we could certainly make room for one by getting the kids to double up, but considering a concrete suggestion about how to get by has made me realise that I would need to buy another car :(

In addition, and not related to cost, I'm really a very introverted, insular person, and I don't think I could bear having someone in my space (I even hate having house guests, including close family). Especially as we can only afford to live in a small house. If I'm going to share my space with anyone, it may as well be DP!

The only workable possibility is having DP move out but continue to come and look after the children, and schedule any work around this. He has offered to do this, although I don't know how realistic it is. I appreciate the advice about him possibly applying for custody, but for reasons I won't go into here, I don't think he'd do that (and I don't think he'd get it if he did, although I'm in the process of seeking advice about this).

This is maybe something for me to revisit once I'm settled in my new job and have a better idea about when the really crucial times for childcare would be ...

Thanks again :)

Keep smiling - you will find way to manage it. Sometimes we have to wait.
You can separate with ex and live in the same house.

If your DP is currently the stay at home primary carer, shouldn't it be you who moves out of the house and gets a small flat of your own and leaves the family as the stable unit they currently are, especially as you barely see them because you work so many hours?

I agree with Herebehubbubs. Why is he expected to leave when he is the primary carer, the parent that stays at home and when you will be working longer hours commuting in your full time job very soon?

Basically what you are suggesting is to remove the children from a willing and able parent who has been raising them while you are at work, to hand them to paid care just because you want him out. Are you sure this is what is best for your children? It is not about what works for you or what you want, it is about what is best for the children.

In those conditions I would say that the best for the children is for you to move out and become the non resident parent. If you were a man you would be told that what you are suggesting is disgraceful.

HereBe and MeMyself, there is information about my relationship with DP that I have chosen not to share here because I wanted to focus on the practicalities, and not to get advice about my relationship. (I've done all that on another thread under a different name.) I wholeheartedly agree that if this was merely a matter of my deciding to end a relationship with a partner and SAHD who had done nothing wrong, it would indeed be 'disgraceful' of me to suggest that my partner moves out.

I've been single with 4 dc for almost 6 months now after 25 year relationship . I work long hours drive miles taking dc to school and have have no family to speak of.
I'm struggling to be honest but so far my best tips are
Don't try and do it all just do a bit at a time
Make whole loaf of cheese sandwiches for school on a Sunday night and freeze cut up and packed ready for school week.
Meal plan and freeze leftovers whenever
I put a wipe board on my chest freezer and write down or wipe off everything in there
Spend more time with the dc, they Wong remember a tidy house and this is now about them not us
Sign up to tesco delivery saver and have shopping delivered
Ask dc to help more but in return play more
Don't drink in the week and go to bed early as pos yourself
Eat well yourself and do something nice , I enjoy bedtime cuddles with dd3 who is only 4 and that's my spoil time .
You ok ?

Whitepants it sounds like you need really specific legal advice for your circumstances. The only time 'fault' on ending the relationship influences children's residency is when they could be at risk. Hence why everyone is suggesting that working full time and having residency of the children may not be the best outcome if your OH has been a SAHD.
I work full time and long hours and am resident parent due to my DD being at risk. I live along way from my family. An au pair is the only way to cope I have swallowed a huge amount of my discomfort at sharing my home to make sure I have a happy and stable environment for my DD. I can understand you reluctance and discomfort, but I feel as an adult I had to do the right thing for my child even if it was difficult for me. I also look at it that it's not forever she will get older and then I won't need an au pair.

I find it very hard being a single parent of 2,and working 16 -20 hours a week,i've been bought up with a good work ethic,but just recently i've thought fuck it maybe i should sit on my fat arse all day drinking coffee and eating cake and let the state look after me,people tell me i would be better off not working! yes can you believe it! whats this country coming to,and then there is school hols to contend with where i am totally racked with guilt having to use expenisve child care as they moan about going.this holiday i just had to get on with it and double up on happy pills!.please tell me i am not alone in these thoughts .x