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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Pregnant with my second but has a different father

24 replies

janey31 · 20/09/2006 21:11

Hi,

I have just had the biggest shock of my life and found out I am 2 months pregnant, I already have a 3 year oldboy who i raised on my own since born and the father of my unborn child has now decided he wants nothing to do with me or the child and is trying to bully me into having a termination as he feels he is not ready to be a dad. I am so confused and I dont know what to do!!!!

OP posts:

waterfalls · 20/09/2006 21:15

Do what you feels right, it is your body, no-one elses, and is does'nt matter in the slightest that it is a different father.

SoupDragon · 20/09/2006 21:16

How do you feel about it?

Original poster

janey31 · 20/09/2006 21:17

Thanks hun, that was just what i needed to hear i have the support of my family and friends and i want to have the baby

OP posts:

gemmiegoatlegs · 20/09/2006 21:18

good luck, I am sure you'll do a fantastic job.

Original poster

janey31 · 20/09/2006 21:18

Well at first it was a major shock but having had some time for it settle in I do feel happy in a weird way

OP posts:

Quootiepie · 20/09/2006 21:19

Do what YOU want - I had an abortion and Ive never regreted something so much. My partner left the next day and I was alone to cope for 4 months. We are now married, and can never replace that baby. Will you regret keeping the baby? Will you regret terminating? Please take your time - you have 24 weeks and tons of help from various places. What are you scared about?

Quootiepie · 20/09/2006 21:20

in my opinion, if you are 1% wanting to keep a baby, dont terminate... honestly...

Original poster

janey31 · 20/09/2006 21:29

I am more than 1% wanting the baby more than 50% just scared of what other people will think and what my children will think when they are older and the fact that they will have different dads who i am not with

OP posts:

Miaou · 20/09/2006 21:35

janey, don't make this kind of decision based on what other people will think, even your kids. Your children will always be that - yours - you will always be their mum, the most important person in their lives (at least whilst they are growing up!)

If you want to keep this baby, even at all, then keep it.

At the end of the day though, only you can make this decision

Quootiepie · 20/09/2006 22:00

stuff other people... look at your child now and think "should I have aborted them to suit others"? Youd say NO. Youll feel the same once you have another baby. Its a life, a precious baby - YOUR baby. They share a mother... practicalities and names on birth certificates are just that... names on paper.

JennyLee · 20/09/2006 22:06

congratulation on your pregnancy and if you want this baby have this baby and do not do anything based on others opinions , do what is in your heart. It is up to you, it is your body. if the father is upsetting you tell him you will not discuss it either way as it is your body. you already know how lovely your children are when they are born and I am sure when they grow up they will be happy that they are alive and had a mother who loved them.

Original poster

janey31 · 20/09/2006 22:10

thanks for all your supportive comments i feel so much better now x

OP posts:

mummymic · 21/09/2006 13:06

hi janey
congratulations - i have 3 babies - the first one has a different dad to the other two - who share the same dad -
i have a full sister and a half brother (different mums) and he has another half sister (different dad) so it can get really confusing in our family, but no-one ever comments - we dont know any different, to us we are brother and sister and my dd plays really well with my brothers sister - are you following me??? who cares what anyone else thinks - you will all love each other and wont care xx
ps i had a termination but i was 100% sure and have never had a regret - in fact i felt guilty for not feeling guilty
good luck and wish you every happiness whatever decision you make xx

nightowl · 21/09/2006 20:41

Hi janey,
I have two children with different fathers. the first was planned but unfortunatly we were quite young and things didnt work out, we seperated when ds was 1 1/2. six years later i found out i was pregnant with dd. i dont think ive ever felt so confused and such heart wrenching emotions as i did then. it was a complicated situation but basically, i knew he wouldn't stand by me in any way whatsoever. twice i booked a termination and didnt go through with it...i wanted the baby so much but really thought it would mess up my life.

anyway, to cut a long story short. i now have a 2 1/2 year old dd (she's a little monster but still!) and i know that i made the right decision for me. strangely, when i was having some building work done a few months back i found a list i'd made. (indecisive person that i am, i make lists all the time). there must have been 20 or so reasons not to have her and 5 to go through with it. it was nice ripping that list up. i thought i wouldn't cope, be a terrible mum and ruin everything for myself..but apart from the odd tearing my hair out moment (what mum doesn't?)everything has worked out fine. sometimes you have to go with your heart. good luck whatever you decide but dont be bullied. you're welcome to cat me if you want to talk more.

morningpaper · 21/09/2006 20:44

Good luck Janey, there are LOTS of people who have chidren with different dads. At the end of the day they are brothers/brother and sister and that is all that matters. Good luck.

morningpaper · 21/09/2006 20:44

p.s. and congratulations!

mad4girls · 28/09/2006 21:41

congratulations janey hope you are well

dont worry about what others think they dont know your life and wint experience the joy a child will bring to yours and your childs life

donw stress that your on your own with 2 kids and 2 different dads anyone in a similar situation will understand and if there friends and family should love and care for you and your new addition just remember that they will always have you to rely on no half wit father that comes and goes or like my ex plays the part of super dad for 4 years then decides he doesnt want to know, the heartbreak for children of that is almost irepairable, at least you will now your child will never have to go through that

i say best of luck and keep us posted (btw an ex pushed me to have a termination that i wasnt 100% sure about and i went through 2 years of hell after and if there was anything in my life i could change it would be that so please think carefully about what you deicde)

cath28 · 28/09/2006 22:15

hi janey31, it was so good to read your post, i'm new here and have been looking through the posts wondering where to start.. i guess here is as good a place as any! well i have a 3 year old girl from a relationship that broke up when she was 1 1/2.. and i'm now 14 weeks pregnant with baby number two, with a different father as well, and similarly to you, the lovely man has shot through and isn't offering me any support whatsoever. in fact he has left the country, though saying he still loves me, if you can work that one out.. i'm really distraught about the relationship breaking down and am finding it really tough and i went through weeks of hell trying to decide what to do, whether or not to have a termination. like you nightowl, i booked one twice, kept postponing the appointment, just couldn't go through with it. my list was also completely against keeping the baby. but i mean, in the end, i just had to do what was in my heart. however i am really struggling a lot with this as everyone around me seems to think i'm doing the wrong thing, i don't have much emotional support from family though quite a lot of practical support, and friends are mixed in their views tho my best mates are sticking by me.. but i feel i am literally just surviving.. i am worried i have messed up my daughter's life as things are going to get a lot harder for us both and they are hard enough already.. sometimes i think of adoption but it isn't really a viable option as already seeing the scan i felt so much love and protectiveness for the baby. just thought i would share that and let you know you are not alone. i am sure there are a lot of people in the same boat. i wish i knew some of them though!! i am trying to stay positive. i agree with everyone about it not mattering one bit about children having different dads, i don't think that is the issue at all. it is just a lonely road ahead, that's my worry. any thoughts / comments much appreciated. cheers

pebblemum · 28/09/2006 22:26

I think that if you want to keep this baby then go for it, if you were to have an abortion when you werent 100% happy about it you would regret it for the rest of your life, you will always wonder what may have been (take it from someone who knows). Dont worry about what people will think. My ds's have different dads and it doesnt bother them one bit. Ds1 is 9, he knows dh isnt his real dad and that a long time ago he had a different one but hes not bothered by it. He thinks of dh as his dad and ds2 as his brother someone mentioned once that he was his half brother and ds turned to them and said no he isnt hes my whole brother. As far as he is concerned we are no different than a family where all the children have the same parents. As long as your children are happy and healthy what does it matter wether they have the same dad or not.
Do what is right for you and congratulations

flightattendant · 15/02/2007 16:07

I've been there in a similar way...just want to say you're not alone.
I was single since before my DS was born, he's now nearly four. Last year I got together with a man I thought was wonderful, fell pregnant, and then he turned controlling, was miserable, horrid to be around, and tried to bully me into a termination. Not helped by the fact my mother and father, who have helped so much with DS, also thought i shouldn't keep the baby - nobody seemed on my side. My hormones told me to keep it whatever and I cancelled several abortions, even though i felt really sick, wasn't able to cope with DS because of this etc. It seemed bad for everyone involved.
Finally convinced now-ex partner that it would be Ok, he agreed to 'let' me have the baby but kept on being really nasty to me.
So in the end after my Mother begged me to leave him, I realised I could, and did so.
Then of course he wanted to come back, be a father (he has two kids already, 11 and 14 - but a long time since he lived with them) and I am terrified of him getting angsty about access etc. when it was he who made it so awful to be around him.
I have felt awful about being pregnant since I left him - no one thought it was a good thing - and still now wish I had had the termination, though it is an AWFUL thing to say. I don't think I will cope with two kids especially with a stupid man hanging around who only wants us because he can't have us.
I can't tell you what to do, I am hoping I will love this child when it arives (now 5 months Pg) but it is so, so hard.
I wish you loads of luck and big hugs, plus the courage to do what you feel in your heart.
Sorry if not much help but just my experience

flightattendant · 15/02/2007 16:08

Sorry just realised this is an old thread...dur. I hope you managed to reach a decision that was right for you. xx

neva · 15/02/2007 21:52

Hi, like you I was really worried about becoming a single mother for the second time. It has brought challenges but these pale into insignificance compared to all the wonderful bits about being a mum! I wish you all the best.

prettyfly1 · 17/02/2007 18:16

the father of my son tried to force this, despite knowing that because of medical stuff he was pretty much a miracle baby. you have support and you have the experience that a lot of women dont. if you want this baby walk away from him and do what you have to. an awful lot of men try to force a termination and like a lot of girls on here i gave in once when i was very young too. do what is right for you and your other child and good luck to you!!

J20BABY · 07/03/2007 19:45

Hi flightattendent, i'm in exactly same position as you. how you feeling?

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