My worries aren't going away

[GEM33]

It's been 8 months since we split-he left me for another woman 11 years younger than him. He has a 13 yr old whose mum he left for someone else when he was two. Now he left me when our dd is two.
They've bought a house together and I've heard they are making my dd a bedroom. (He hasn't had her overnight since he left) he has been unreliable. He doesn't fulfill his promises. He lies to me about my dd. he hasn't let her have her naps and she is brought back to me with dirty nappies, unfed, filthy, and she is desperately clingy and seems relieved to be home. I've tried asking him to see her little and often as this is what I think she needs but he is very very selfish.
I'm not happy with dd going overnight with him yet. I can't trust him with her. I see him as unfit to look after her as he does not think about what she needs and she is very very clingy and going through separation anxiety.
Despite the fact he has hardly bothered with her in the last 8 months he told me I should be glad he isn't going for full custody of her. He worries me because I know he is underhand and lies and I am concerned he may go through solicitors to get her away from me or push for overnights before I feel my dd is ready. She really isn't ready to be away from me for full weekends at all.
I can't sleep at night and I just feel so hurt by how he has ploughed insensitively on with this ow into dds life. I don't even know her or anything about her. I have a knotted ball of worry in my stomach. I am worried sick that he is harming or could harm my dd. she is my world. He doesn't give two hoots about her emotional reactions tothe situation. I don't want to be forced to send her overnight before I feel she is ready. I actually think he needs supervised contact until he proves he is thinking about his dd because so far I've not seen a fit father.

The fact is you are resident parent and have been since he left.You would have to be proven as neglectful for that to change.By neglectful I don t mean his word against yours but a consistent failure to meet your child's needs which can be evidenced by an outsider such as gp health visitor or nursery.He can go to a solicitor all he wants but child's best interests are what matters.He needs to demonstrate comitment to his child by paying maintence and seeing her appropriately before overnights would be considered.It is not unreasonable to ask to meet the girlfriend and for you to see how she is with your child before overnights also.However it is in the child's best interests to have contact with her father and you should be encouraging it as much as possible.Its not unreasonable to set some basic rules about feeding and nappy changing etc though.The ow and his behaviour however hurt full to you probably have minimal impact on your child in that while you are a consistent and loving influence in her life she will cope with it.Its rubbish I know but just try to keep calm and present facts not emotions.

If you're worried about her safety, and i assume you are as mentioned you fear him harming her then i would without a doubt stop contact immediately.
A child may have a right to a relationship with their father but firstly they have a right to be kept safe and fed.
I would then insist on contact only via email as then you will have a record of his threats and that is exactly what they are, empty threats. Don't let him bully you. Change your phone number if you have to or get a phone just for text exchanges between you and him. You need as much solid/written evidence of his negligence as possible to protect your child.
He will then have to go to court for access and if you can prove he is negligent then all he will be awarded initially is supervised contact slowly building up to unsupervised once the courts are satisfied he is capable of taking care of her. She is still very much a baby and there is no way he will be instantly awarded unsupervised or overnight contact initially, particularly as he hasn't seen much of her.
So next time he starts with the threats call his bluff, tell him to go to court. Meanwhile get yourself a free half hour consult with a solicitor yourself.
Good luck.

You need to get some advice in order to feel more confident.
At your dd age, courts can order overnight contact and frequently do, but unless you are failing in your care of your dd then the 'full custody' is the idiot in him talking.
Write down each time there is a problem after contact, timings, what the problem is etc. The problem is that whilst your feelings are entirely justified, unless he has put your dd at 'actual risk' then your feelings are viewed in court as just that.
Can I ask if he has actually asked to have your dd overnight as its not clear from your post, you say that you've heard they are making a bedroom for her, but has he requested overnights?
It's also more usual to build up to weekends rather than doing 2 nights immediately - as an example when my ds was small we had to start with ex having ds all day Saturday for nearly a year, then added the Saturday night, then the Friday night wasn't added until ds was nearly 4, so don't panic.
If he gives you genuine reason to be concerned for her welfare, you say you think he may be harming her? then this needs to be documented with a GP or a health visitor and contact suspended, but be cautious about withdrawing from contact without that back up, as you would then be seen as not facilitating contact with no concrete fact.
Try to move forward into a pattern of contact, do seek the legal advice a pp has mentioned