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Original poster

Should I pay for my ex to visit DS?

11 replies

ShoreCrab · 24/08/2014 16:22

My DS's dad has always been very irresponsible, refused to get a job or take care of DS while I worked. I moved 100 miles away when DS was 3, he's now 8. He was going to move to the same town as us, but he still hasn't managed to move. DS has a disability so I am living on benefits as I can't get childcare that would enable me to work. DS loves his dad, his dad phones every night, but he drinks and smokes, and refuses to respect things like making DS eat a proper lunch when he's with him - I pack one for him as the ex says he can't afford to get lunch. He ignores the lunch and feeds DS on chocolate and crisps.

The ex is prone to depression and, when down, doesn't wash his clothes or shave or brush his hair so he turns up to see DS in a small town where DS knows lots of people looking like a tramp. Now he's been assessed by ATOS as not being entitled to incapacity benefit so his income has dropped from £100pw to £70pw and he now says he can't afford to visit DS any more.

DS has been very upset that instead of every 6 weeks he's had to wait 12 weeks this time. Should I be paying for his dad to come and visit? Should I just comfort DS about his dad not being able to visit? I could do with some perspective.

OP posts:
deedeelondon · 24/08/2014 23:27

How can you afford to pay for him to come when you're on benefits yourself?? If he wants it badly enough he will find a way to visit - I think paying for him will set a precedent which will end up costing you a fortune. Does he have family who can help him out?

Original poster
ShoreCrab · 25/08/2014 08:04

Because DS gets DLA and I am stuck at home with him I get more benefits than I would otherwise (extra tax credits, carer's allowance) I could pay, though we don't have a lot of money- we have an old car and we only ever go on camping holidays, but we have enough to eat properly, have the occasional treat and pay the bills. No, his family are kind of at arm's length, not well-off and he'd never ask them. DS has autism and I think some of his dad's issues may have similar roots.

OP posts:
deedeelondon · 25/08/2014 10:42

Sorry shorecrab - didn't mean to suggest that you shouldn't be able to afford to pay for him because you're on benefits. I meant why should you, when you must be struggling yourself, with not much money to spare.
This is a tricky problem and I can understand that you don't want your son to suffer because of your ex's problems. Is he old enough to understand if you explain the situation to him? Skype also good for keeping in contact.
As you say in your post. your ex drinks and smokes so can clearly find the money for things he thinks are a priority. I really wouldn't pay for him to come - he needs to sort himself out and stand on his own two feet, which won't happen if you are subsidising him...

BlackeyedSusan · 25/08/2014 11:31

no. no NO. dad has to be responsible and pay for himself. as dee ssays he can afford to drink and smoke so he can afford to pay to come if he so wanted.

Original poster
ShoreCrab · 25/08/2014 15:26

DS is now in floods of tears as Daddy has gone home now and won't be back for an indefinite period (he won some money for a quiz so could afford to come for this w/e). I'm now crying too because I can see how painful it is for poor DS. I think if he doesn't turn up before Christmas, I'll pay for a visit then, but not set any regular pattern. We've suggested Skype but the ex won't do it for unspecified reasons. I tend to agree that I shouldn't pay, but it's so painful to watch. Thanks.

OP posts:
losthermind · 25/08/2014 15:31

It is not your responsibility to make sure DS sees him it is solely his. He could stop smoking and drinking for a start, that would free up some cash.

nomoretether · 25/08/2014 16:39

I understand you're not in court but if you were, it's not unheard of for the party that has moved away to facilitate contact. I'd put your son first. If your ex genuinely can't work and can't afford travel and it's you that moved away, I would consider paying some of the money - not for your ex's benefit but for your sons benefit.

balia · 25/08/2014 16:45

I moved away from my ex (not as far as you did, admittedly) and so was willing to do some of the travel. I realised that if I didn't, DD wouldn't see much of her Dad, and at the time, she really wanted to keep their relationship going. (She put in far more effort than he ever did.) TBH, I was happier driving her myself as I couldn't trust him not to drive drunk.

I would never, ever give him cash, though.

Do you have any friends/relatives you could visit while he spends time with his Dad?

Original poster
ShoreCrab · 25/08/2014 19:01

Nobody I could stay with without imposing (autistic child is not anyone's idea of a pleasant house-guest!) he can't stay overnight with his dad because of the drinking. The petrol cost for me would be higher than paying his coach fare here - the agreement was that we would both move, as we both felt that this would be a better place for DS to grow up; it's just that he hasn't done it yet, five years on, so I don't think I owe him anything on that score. It's more about what's fair to DS.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 25/08/2014 21:12

hmm..i think i would book coach tickets in advance so cheap and send him those. book and get them and send them. eg e tickets.
dont give him cash.

starlight1234 · 26/08/2014 23:44

Does Dad know how this is affecting DS ?

I would be working on Ex stepping up to the mark. It doesn't sound like if you paid travel it would do any more to encourage him to be a fit parent

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