Am I terrible mum?

[HappyMummy74]

Hi
I desperately need some advice and will try and keep it short. I am a single mum with an 8 yr old son who I love desperately. We have a lovely, close relationship and he is a really awesome boy. He recently went to his Dads house and told his dad that he is the reason mummy is stressed. This is because he overheard me telling my mum that I was stressed because I had received lots of messages from the ex that day and had been to the doctors and my BP was high. Rather than ask me what was going on, I immediately received an aggressive, accusatory email telling me that I am obsessed with my son, had obviously been slagging him off to my son and that I am psychologically damaging my son and should seek medical help.

The trouble is, while I do try very hard not to talk about his dad in front of him, I am a very open person and do wear my heart on my sleeve. I just find it very difficult to hide my emotions. I have unfortunately said a couple of things because we do not like each other and he knows which buttons to press and I have no-one else to talk to at home. I really do try very hard and have never said anything that is not true and on the occasion I have said something, I have apologised to my son and explained that sometimes people don't get on, but that we both love him etc.

Am I a terrible mum, am I damaging him? The trouble is, I can't guarantee I will never say anything again because as hard as I try, I am human, so would he be better off living with his father so I can't do him any more emotional damage?

Please can I have some honest replies, I am in total turmoil here and want to try and have an idea of what to do before my son comes home in a weeks time. Thank you!

I understand how stressful exes are believe you me.

For high bp I have found keeping contact with my ex to an absolute minimum a real boon, and drinking strong parsley tea daily made from a packet bought from any local Tescos or Asda store along with keeping an eye on caffeine intake. All these strategies have minimised stress which brings on high bp.

I have high bp on my father's side of the family so it is something I try to be particularly careful with and although the tablet I take from the GP does help the parsley tea and caffeine reduction has really helped!

Hope this helps you HappyMummy.

Sounds like it was an unfortunate accident that your son overheard you and commented to his dad. And it sounds like his dad is a prat that will take offence over everything, so I wouldn't stress over his reaction. Chalk it up to "oops" and just make sure that from now on, when you're venting to your mum that your ds isn't going to overhear it.

I honestly get where you're coming from. I have bent over backwards to avoid telling the dcs what an unbelievable twat stbx is, although at 8yo and 5yo I also don't feel it's appropriate to lie to them either. So I do feel like I'm walking a tightrope sometimes. I don't want them coming back to me at 16 or so, saying why didn't you TELL us he didn't want to do this or that...

It's tough, and it irritates me on a regular basis that I have to deal with the fallout from his shitty behaviour. This is all part and parcel of being a parent, unfortunately. Apologise to your son, and simply move on.

And yes, regards to his dad, just try to let his twattish behaviour wash over you. Easier said than done, trust me I know - I'm struggling with this same thing myself. But I've found when I'm able to just blank it out and ignore it, I'm MUCH happier.

Thanks guys, really appreciate the feedback. I decided not to ignore it or be the conciliatory one and I absolutely flew at him. Believe it or not, but it actually worked, I actually got an apology from him. He has never apologised to me, not even for sleeping around whilst we were married so I am well chuffed. I am sure it wont be the last time he goes off on one but I will deal with that as and when. At the moment I am confident he has been put in his place, I am a great mum and more importantly than everything, my little boy is a happy, healthy and awesome little dude!! :-D

Please stop using your son to offload to, even on rare occasions.

It's hard enough for an adult to be an emotional sounding board.

Imagine an 8 year old who loves his dad!

I'm not saying you're permanently damaging him, but you're not being fair to him.

Lovely post this evening :)

You should print it out and keep it to read when you are doubting yourself

waltermitty - what a stupid post.

Of course OP does not mean to do it, but when you are tested on a daily basis by the twattish behaviour of your EX - the odd word can slip out.

Sorry I am not a saint and have said the odd swear word, when getting off the phone to the twunt and have walked away and gone to the loo and sat and cried. That a child does not pick up on your frustrations at occasions would be asking for a miracle.For example, twunt says he is coming to see his kids and then fails to turn up, upset kids, you playing the peacemaker and trying to settle upset kids - I defy anyone to not emanate some anger that the dcs may pick up on.

But then all exes and their new partners never say anything bad about the ex do they?

But then all exes and their new partners never say anything bad about the ex do they?

What the fuck?

Yes, because that's what I said.

Calm yourself, dearie.

The trouble is, while I do try very hard not to talk about his dad in front of him, I am a very open person and do wear my heart on my sleeve. I just find it very difficult to hide my emotions. I have unfortunately said a couple of things because we do not like each other and he knows which buttons to press and I have no-one else to talk to at home. I really do try very hard and have never said anything that is not true and on the occasion I have said something, I have apologised to my son and explained that sometimes people don't get on, but that we both love him etc

Missed this part, did you?