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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Exhausted!

12 replies

BlackDaisies · 23/08/2014 22:57

Dealing with exh Sad
He's such an arrogant, misogynistic, immature, unpleasant........ It feels like I have to deal with him endlessly!
I just wondered if anyone had got to the end of this (ie their children were old enough to fend for themselves) and come out the other side? I don't really want to go into details.
Does anyone know what I mean and can give me some hope?!

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Pinkballoon · 25/08/2014 20:49

Can only sympathise. I just shut down one of my email accounts (the one he uses) as I couldn't bear any more of his pompous, unpleasant, game playing emails. They just dropped into the inbox like a big bad smell! I'd like some hope too. Perhaps they'll both move abroad or something! :) :)

Original poster
BlackDaisies · 26/08/2014 19:06

Thanks for the reply Smile
I know what you mean about the emails. I take a deep breath before I open one. Someone posted on a thread in Relationships about replying like a Vulcan (no emotion whatsoever) which I thought was really good advice.
Moving abroad - we can dream, in the mean time there's always Wine

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grandmainmypocket · 26/08/2014 23:52

I used to find communicating with my ex exhausting. Then one day as he usually does, he disappeared off the face of the earth. I sleep better at night and it makes my life easier, though my heart breaks for my little boy.

I have the utmost respect for those lone parents who have to deal with the conflict regularly.

LadySybilLikesCake · 26/08/2014 23:54

Mine moved abroad, stopped paying maintenance so I took him to court. He's now stonewalling me as a punishment, which is fantastic! Grin

equinox · 28/08/2014 05:08

Ladies you do all make me laugh. I understand totally about difficult exes. It is such a relief not to liaise with mine much now as he is only allowed supervised contact as he did not wish for a contact centre I just meet up with him in public places for a couple of hours every 2 months or so.

Now I don't feel reliant on him I feel better in myself. It is just I am feeling extra shattered at the moment owing to the school holidays but I will get over that soon.

It is such a relief not to have to deal with his unpleasant comments and his hypercritical ways commenting on my parenting skills the whole time. I feel emotionally stronger for it.

I just think women in acceptable live in relationships with partners or husbands don't know how lucky they are and are immeasurably spoilt against the likes of us!

LadySybilLikesCake · 28/08/2014 11:40

It's lovely, I really feel for ds though. I try to be amicable for his sake more than anything and all he can see is what a twat his father is.

I don't know about other people being lucky. I read some of the threads on here and I thank God I'm single and didn't end up marrying him!

niceguy2 · 28/08/2014 12:01

Not sure if this gives you hope or not. But I've been bringing up our kids for 12 years now. By & large my ex & I have reached the stage where we communicate via email as & when needed. It's usually very perfunctory but every so often she still amazes me with her sheer illogic.

Basically over the years I've learned that an ex is for life and not just for Christmas! She's a nightmare that luckily I only have to occasionally deal with but the kids still have to put up with her craziness every other weekend.

I just thank my lucky stars they grew up with me rather than be the gibbering wrecks they'd be if they lived with her.

Original poster
BlackDaisies · 28/08/2014 17:12

niceguy2 - what sort of an impact on the children do you think EOW of poor parenting has? It's something I wonder about. I like to think not much, but then I think I'm kidding myself and that a lot of emotional damage can be done in that time?

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niceguy2 · 28/08/2014 18:22

That's actually a very good question. I can really only give you my experience.

The result of kids only seeing my ex EOW has been that they're not as close to her as I'd like them to be. Especially my daughter. I think this has had a knock on effect on her ability to relate to other women. Especially older ones. She's quite standoffish with my wife and my wife sometimes takes it personally. I've tried to explain that she's like that with her own mother and in reality is more open with her than her own mum but it's been hard for my DW to accept.

The good thing is that they consider my home "HOME" and for 12/14 days have consistent rules & boundaries. So they only have to "put up" with the ex's complete lack of consistency for 2 days. For the last few years now my DD has only really gone out of duty rather than because she wants to see her mum.

As a result I think me bringing them up has shielded them from the excesses from my ex. To give you an example the kids are both currently on holiday with their mum. After 3 days DD was texting me from abroad and saying how she's only just realised how much freedom and trust I give them whilst mum gives none. At a month from being 18 she isn't allowed to walk from the pool to the hotel room on her own. With me I (begrudgingly) let her stay at her boyfriend's house overnight.

Back when we first split up the ex had them far more than she does now. Looking back that wasn't good for the kids as they were being passed pillar to post. They settled much better once we went to EOW.

Original poster
BlackDaisies · 28/08/2014 23:48

From what you say though it sounds like you worked out the best possible situation for them. You don't sound "bitter" either, which probably has a very positive effect on now they see everything.

The positive for me is hearing that they grow up being able to make their own minds up and appreciating what they have in their home and life with you. Hopefully providing one stable, consistent home will be enough to help them make the right choices as young teenagers/ adults, which is something I sometimes worry about.

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niceguy2 · 29/08/2014 14:04

Hi BD. I'm not bitter at all. Sad that we couldn't work things out together but given our complete polar opposites in personality I can't really how it could have realistically worked. Exuberance of youth I guess.

One of the things I've learned from being the resident parent for so long is the buck stops with me and me alone. It doesn't matter what I say/do I will always be the baddie in my ex's eyes. I think it just helps them sleep at night. So given you can't do right for doing wrong, my advice to you is do what you believe is right and learn to let the crap slide off your back. You'll still be the baddie but at least you are doing things your way.

Original poster
BlackDaisies · 31/08/2014 11:48

learn to let the crap slide off your back This is what I know I need to do. I do worry endlessly about the possible effect he'll have on them in terms of their future. He's very aggressive and disrespectful of people, especially women, and I worry for example that my lovely son will learn that from him. Or that my caring and thoughtful daughter will learn to back down and please people in her relationships.

But I think what you've said is key really and worrying about things I can't control is a waste of time. The only thing I can do is my best for them, provide a stable home and try to be a good role model. Thanks for your replies Smile

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