How to help friend whose husband has left her with twin babies and a 4 year old

[fallingapartfast]

My friend's husband left her 3 months ago - seems like classic midlife crisis teamed with shock/postnatal depression? since turning 40 and having twins - although their is a history of psychological, emotional and physical abuse as well.

I am looking for advice on how to help her as I am incredibly worried about her phycial and mental wellbeing. She is bfing the twins (now 11 months) and co-sleeping, which although inevitably makes the phsyical toil harder, is providing her with some significant hormonal benefits that she is understandably reluctant to let go of at the moment. The twins don't sleep. Even when they do she lies there shaking and crying unable to sleep as she is so depressed. She cries all the time and it is just too hard. The 4 year old is beginning to show signs of distress (pooing his pants/wetting himself/aggressive behaviour). I have suggested she sees her GP about anti-depressents but she is reluctant. She has an unworkable relationship with her parents and they will not help her (and live miles away).

I live the other side of the country from her, have 2 kids and work so I am aware that there are limitations on how much 'present' support I can offer. She has just been to stay for 2 days and I am beside myself with worry how to help her. I have spoken to a friend whose partner has a well paid job and she has set up a regular morrisons delivery of basics - nappies/washing powder etc - and have spoken to other friends who are all keen to help her but we all live in different parts of the country and have kids etc. WHile she was here I was able to give her some help with bedtimes and nappies and meals etc but it really feels impossible. She has just returned home and I am incredibly worried about her.

Does anyone have any advice? Sorry I don't even know what I'm asking for really I just feel so helpless.

Thanks

That sounds awful. Have no advice I'm afraid but you and her sound amazing. I cosleep and breast feed with my one year old and it actually helps with sleep and she may get some comfort from the snuggles. Sounds a bit silly but could you get her on here? A lot of support here. And could even try and meet up with a few people.

THanks for responding and for your kind words. I have mentioned MN to her a few times and will encourage her to get on - but tbh most days she doesn't even have time to check texts on her phone. It's so relentless. She has what sounds like a good network of friends where she lives but the practical support they can offer her is limited by the fact that they have their own kids to put to bed etc and over the past 3 months since he left the support has dwindled a bit (as it inevitaby will I suppose). Although she knows their relationship is toxic, she really wants her husband back because it is just simply too hard for her to do it on her own. It is so sad.

sorry for typos btw.

You can be on the phone for emotional support but in her position I would want practical support too. Can you and friend's club together to pay a mother's help or cleaner or whatever she needs to help out? Doing an online shop to help is a great idea. How the hell do you get around a supermarket with twins and a four year old?

Se needs to speak to her health visitor. I wonder if homestrt, gingerbread or tamba could help.
Are the children fed? Cuddled?

God, I want to go and help her myself.
Agree with home start as a potential help. Also, spelling to local children's centres might be useful in terms of finding out about local support?

Practice support like help with cleaning, shopping, childcare while she goes out on her own for just an hour or so is also going to be really important.

Not sure how this would work but it might be wort contacting some of her local childrens centres etc, and seeing what practical support they can offer? There must be something and if not they might have some ideas about charities etc who could help?

Is there a multiples club in her area? Where I live a charity for people with twins and triplets gives a small amount of help at home each week?

THanks everyone. Homestart send someone round one morning a week for 2 hours, and she's top of the list for when a teattime slot comes available for homestart help (that and bedtime are the hardest times for her). I will put a shout out to all our friends to see if I can get a gang of us together to club together for some regular childcare in the evenings. Maybe just one or two hours once or twice a week?
Oh I am so worried about her. She is so so sad.

Oh will find out if there is a similar charity here - that would help. Thanks everyone.

Can one of you do childcare and another take her out? Take her out for dinner, make sure she eats well. Turn up at hers with dinner - whatever - I bet she's putting herself firmly last.

She really should think about seeking GP help and beyond; if you have a broken leg, you don't walk on it and mental health also needs some tlc as well. Perhaps you could frame it in those kinds of terms? Admitting you need help is only the first part but she definitely does need it as you already know.

We all live very far apart so dinner and chilcare are difficult but I will be going to visit her once a month and I'm going to contact some of her local friends on fb to see if they can keep an eye on her/help as much as they can. I have suggested she sees her GP and will continue to nudge her in that direction as I am acutely worried about her mental health. My worry is that even when she was staying here and I sent her for naps she woudl just lie and shake with adrenalin and cry and was unable to sleep. She has so much to process and no time or energy to process it so her mind is just racing all the time. The stress of the breakup coupled with the sleep deprivation and the demands of bringing up all the kids alone is too much for her (or anyone) to bear. I am so worried. I have found the TAMBA site and I am trying to contact them to see what help might be aailable to her.

I only had two under two but what helped me a huge amount was having a childminder who came 3 nights a week between 7 and 9pm. It cost £8 per hour. She took over bedtime and I either worked on my business, did my home admin, or cooked/had a bath/went to the pub depending on the thing I needed to do most. I had that for 6 months until the boys routine eased up.

If you are in a position to support her financially to have the same I can honestly say it was a lifesaver for my mental state. She's lucky to have friends like you who would think about what she needs and help her out X

My heart goes out to your friend. I breast fed twins for eleven months and it is draining. I moved onto bottles after that I needed the sleep. Maybe she should do that too? The babies may sleep better then once they're in their own cots and she could put a solid routine down. Give her time for naps and for her four year old. I only say this because its what I did when I was feeling drained. I wasn't on my own then but I was alone a lot. I'm glad she's getting help. I think that is without doubt the best thing for her right now. What about a night nanny? Sleep is a great cure for many things. I would help her myself if I could. I hope she's feeling better soon. She's lucky to have a friend who cares so much. Good luck.

dont arrahnge babysitting for her to "go out for couple hours" -i had that soemtimes and it was pointless i had nowerhe to go and no one to go with you cant conjure up a friend to ahve d rinki with jsut like that...tho if she says she wants to go to starbucks and read a book sure.

if she wants specific baby sitting sure but what she probably needs is practical help and someone to focus on the four year old too.
far better as was said -regular paid help at home to do the nitty gritty load machines cleana and and chat be there as another adult. ie pay a short term "spouse" to be in the house ....if she has room, she should get an au pair for example.

if husband has gone she could share with thefour year old and have an au pair in the other bedroom for a few months.

and yes she needs to go to gp to get referred for nhs counselling to t alk it all thru,

encoiurage her to do that at least

and really you should contact her gp if you are seriously concerned about her mental health, let them know what is happening.

the four year old is clearly suffering a lot as she may be actually unable to meet his (and the babies' ) needs if she is clinically depressed and she maybe needs more serious help than just nappy delivery etc. .

but you know her - is she prone to depression?, is this unusual?, has she dealt with personal crises before?, etc. was she managing the twins etc fine and this is out of character to be crying all the time ? if she is crying and not able to put on brave face for the children at all then it could be critical .....if she is able to perk up fo the children put them first....then maybe not so bad?

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/speaking-to-gp-about-someone-elses-health.aspx

is ther someone who can take the four year old do play dates etc?

I want to cry. This is such a sad post.This brave lady will look back on all these hard times and think wow...I managed it. At the moment everything must seem so monumentous, I would just be working it all out by listing the priorities each days ticking them off one by one...and having some easy short term goals to work towards. I am sure there would be people in your friends community willing to help. I would :-)

ps sounds like she well rid of him anyway. there are programmes to help women who have been abused too.
a positive surely ? is he still around demanding access to the kids?

and she CAN do this keep telling her... one day at a time. that it will get easier and better the twins will grow and become easier in some ways.... so long as it's "just" natural stress reaction to being left and not a clinical depression then she can do this. with the right level of practical support.

people do break up and bring up children on their own...its hard, it's tough but she CAN do this..keep telling her that...that things will get better. and easier. practical help now, get twins onto bottles and sleeping.....it isnt "too much to bear" it can be done..... and far better than with an abusive bully in the house...(and tho older when i became single parent to three aged 10, 7, 5 ... my oldest has severe learning difficulties autism etc and has never slept properly and is very demanding ) ther are others who have got thru it too.

unless - you have developed a serious clinical mental illness then you need serious help from profressionals ....

Does she have room/finances for an au pair or mothers help? It sounds like just having an extra pair of hands around would be really useful.

Also, I know it's not for everyone, but is she (or are you) a church goer? (Or any other religion)? Our church would rally round someone in a position like this, send round food, get some kind of rota going for practical help, etc.

THanks so much for all the kind words, support and advice. She is meeting up with ExP today so I'm waiting to hear from her how that went. She is on income support and in a tiny shoebox 2 bed house so au pair not an option. I think when her 4 yo goes back to kindy in September things will become easier and I'm drumming up as much support as I can in the meantime. At least she's talking and not locking herself away.
Thanks everyone.

If there was abuse in her relationship then I hope she will realise one say that she is best off without him. I really feel for your friend. It must be tough.

Hi, I've just been thru something very similar, and that was with only one son! Can't imagine how she is coping, but she has a LONG way to go so needs practical help RIGHT now... I got on antidepressants supposedly for PND but really it was mostly for coping with narcissistic partner.. Finally left him in February and just starting to get on top of things now, still majorly sleep deprived.
My recommendations are get paid help, volunteer help ANY help... I have homestart, and paid for help initially thru an agency, nanny, au pair, if she has no budget like me, maybe see if any childcare students willing to volunteer or work for peanuts for the experience.. I wouldn't be worried about best suitable hours, ANY relief will be useful right now. There's has to be a community service to help, or put an ad up seeking help. How about rent a granny? I had a overly couple of nanny students I hired when I got really sick from all the stress, they were childcare and nursing students and also helped around the house as well as minded bub.
Does she know any neighbours? Can any of her friends help speak to the neighbours to drop in and help out for an hour..
Antidepressants are a must, she is depressed because she is sleep deprived and emotionally shocked but also because she is grieving. If she wants to do the best things for her kids she needs to survive, so antidepressants aren't a miracle cure but they will just help her keep the wheels rolling for a while. I personally found them to be incapacitating, wasn't until I came off them that I managed to move out, but I wouldn't have coped in the early days without them ( I had very unsettled high needs baby (now diagnosed it's SPD) and abusive emotionally manipulative partner).
My savior was a social worker that I could see regularly and that also did home visits, she was available through the child health centre where they monitor you with unsettled babies... Can she go to Tressilian type sleep school to get a rest? That also helped me early on put things into perspective see other women struggling, esp mums with twins.
Also mumsnet talk forum really helped me because up my ex was no help whatsoever emotionally or practically.
Mostly she needs sleep so she def needs some kind of tag team of home help. Also 4yr old needs some major attention to ensure the anxiety and stress don't get worse. I'm happy to give you my email address if you think she has time to email someone, I'm sensing she is still in survival mode though and needs really practical help with the kids and house first to help her survive and then later get on top of things. My friends and family (which was a wonderful surprise as I did not have a working relationship with my mum or sister) were the best support I could have, I don't think I would be happy now if they hadn't been there for me day after day, mostly by phone and email. I highly recommend an iPad for practical support, being able to be in contact with my friends everyday just for advice or a laugh even for a minute helped me so much.
All the best she is not alone but I bet she feels VERY alone right now.
You are a great friend.

You sound like a lovely friend.

I agree that she needs help, both practical and emotional. Is there a college near you that trains people to work as nursery nurses - might they have someone who wants work experience a few hours a week? Alternatively, lots of teenage girls love babies and are happy to stay and play for a few quid a week. My DH used to work late (til 8.30 or more) when our 3 were small and I had a teenage girl from over the road come and look after them from about 7 (once I had done baths etc) so I could go for a run. Very different situation but a lifesaver for me. Is this something one of her local friends could help her find? A kind hand with bedtime twice a week might help her feel a bit more in control.