Wish people were more sensitive to lone parents.

[Rafanderpants]

Do you ever feel really bitter?
Ive no problem per se being a lone parent, I didnt ask for it, but this is the situation.
I do get terribly lonely at times for a man but as disabled DC needs constant attention I wouldnt have time for anyone anyway.
What gets me is when people I know, people who are family and supposed to be friends, KNOW I struggle 24/7. (I dont go broadcasting it but they do know, ive let it slip a few times)
Im disabled myself.
But because somehow between caring for DC i manage to keep a tidy clean house, we are well fed and clothed and clean, they dont believe me IF they ask how I am, (and im not going to give them platitudes, if they ask, ill be honest, and think Im being attention seeking and pathetic )when i say Id appreciate a bit of help now and agian.
I NEVER call on anyone unless im absolutley at my wits end, and of the 2 or 3 times i HAVE asked for not more that half an hour only out of someones life, theres the excuses, obvious rejection.
(This is apart from not getting any help from so called services for disabled people, thats another topic)
we are having to move out of where we are for valid reasons, im having to put some things in storage. These people KNOW yet dont offer to help. Im in constant physical pain yet loading heavy things in car and to storage place.
Ive had to hint id appreciate help (Ive asked direct before only to be shot down and cant bear the rejection) and nothing.
and the worse thing is they KNOW weve NEVER had a break, or a holiday in 14 years, yet rub it in that theyre off to the Maldives for 3 weeks. (not that I begridge anyone a hol, its the way not being sensitive to our circumstances)
or that because they have a husband/older kids that theres always someone to help them with everything (one 'friend' has a summer cold and is delighting in saying shes resting in bed all day and hubby is bringing her drinks and looking after kids). stopbloody rubbing it in my face, its cruel.
If Im ill (which is often with my medical probs) I just have to carry on.
sorry, dont mean to sound so petty and jealous and pathetic, it just really hurts when you do what you can for people and they never give anything back ever. I dont do things for a reward or anything, but once ina while.......
anyone else, disabled or not, just being a lone parent and NO help when there are people who could and should? How do you handle it?
and thanks for reading long post!

blatant bump! either need sympathy or a kick up the kyber.

I've had this too. The entitled people who have loads of support but still whinge are the ones who seem to get helped. But if you're spelling out to people that you really need help, and they're still not stepping up, maybe you need some nicer friends.
Can you make friends with other single mums? One of the problems I found is that mums in couples or extended families don't need your help, and then don't expect you to ask them for help. It's better if you are in a more equal relationship with your friends, so that you are swopping childcare, for instance.

hi i know what u mean especially those whinging about 'only' going to turkey this year instead of sharm al sheikh and i cant afford to take kids anywhere wd love a holiday. exh went off to spain with latest girlfriend and it is hard to see others swanning about and not feel bitter. also about the help people in couples just dont get it. i think def best way to go is finding single mums can maybe help each other out. dont know how though everyone seems to have a partner.

so just lots of sympathy and hope someone can help with how to handle it as i dont handle it well myself

thanks for posting!

thing is the few single mums I know all have extended help.

and you're right, I need new friends. I want friends to be friends, not helpers IYKWIM but for me friendship is like marriage vows- better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health.

not JUST coffee and shopping.

I was there for them before I became a mum and before I became disabled, maybe I expect too much but Im of the 'do unto others' ilk, and I do get that people have their own lives and families, im not trying to take them away from that, but I did send out a plea a couple of months ago as I really could hardly move and NO ONE offered, just ''well, hope you get better''. WTF?

suppose its too as I don't have a supportive and near family I do rely on friends more,.

doesn't help that DC has such complex needs that no one can or will cope with it all.

shes resting now which gives me my mumsnet time, this is the break I get and im fine with that, its just once in a while, you know?

im not really saying anyones an 'entitled' person, everyone has issues, it just seems more when youre completely alone with them.

and lets share a and or even a as were whining!

i know i also dont have any family just friends and as u say u try your best for others but when it comes to it and you are really desperate no one is there. it is a horrible feeling to be alone and sometimes i get so upset that there is no one i could ring who would just come and be with me. it hurts. i wonder if u near me could pm lications as if u close wdnt mind helping u.

Yummy sorry about the ex thing.
and sorry too Theherb for your situation, it sucks doesn't it.

got to log off now as need to see to DC, thanks again for posting, its nice to share and the saying 'a problem shared'.

and that someone understands.

at the end of the day its not sympathy we want is it? its someone to care about us.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - you are dealing with a lot, and unsupported, and that is very very hard. It's also hard I think as kids get older and there aren't the obvious places to go to meet people like baby groups etc. Have you tried Mumsnet local, or isn't there some kind of netmums meetup thing as well? I have no idea how useful either might be, but could be worth a shot? Obviously that won't help with your immediate problems though, and I hope you get through it. Are there any kind of local grant-giving organisations who can help at all? I'm just thinking that if you were able to hire your removal company to do the packing as well (they are really fucking quick - I've had guys paid for by work when I've moved and you wouldn't believe what light work they make of it) that would help you. Your CAB could advise - most towns have a variety of benevolent funds and as long as you meet the criteria they could pay for that. Also, re not going on holiday, there are organisations (non-govt but govt funded) that can help with the cost of that for people caring for disabled children. I don't mean respite, but actual money towards an actual holiday. Off the top of my head, I can think of one called Family Fund but there are others as well. 14 years is a long time to have without a break. Get your move sorted, get yourself settled in and ask about stuff like that from the CAB as well. And good luck! And remember, we're all here even though we're not there, iyswim.

I have a mix of friends.

Some get it some don't the one's that say I am a single parent tonight or this week drive me insane but have other qualities.

I have one friend who doesn't tell me how often she goes out. shelters me from certain things as she feels she doesn't want to rub it in my face which I kind but I would really would like to know what is going on in her world.

I completely understand. I am a lone parent to 2 severely disabled dc and I have little practical help which I could desperately do with. I would appreciate someone doing the odd small DIY job for me which would only take an hour or so but even people who would find that easy (ie they have the spare time and the skills) would not offer and I don't like to ask.

As for the holiday, I am with you on that. I can't find anywhere to take my dc with their various needs and would struggle on my own anyway.

What I also find annoying is that although I tell friends and family how it is, they still have expectations of me that are not realistic in my circumstances, as if they can't accept it or maybe they really don't comprehend.

Where are you op?

I have a mix of friends as well and I know I'm really lucky that I have people I can call on in a crisis, married as well as single. Not everyone has that luxury. I would say though, that I feel on more of an even footing with my fellow single parents because as Theherbofdeath says we are all in the same boat and I know that while I might need help with something one day, one of my other single parent friends might need help with something else another day, and it kind of goes back and forth and is more equal, while my coupled/married friends don't tend to ask for help as much, so I feel a bit beholden to them if they do help me out in a squeeze. They never, ever make me feel like that though - that's just me being over-sensitive. Like I say, I'm very very lucky.

I hate asking for help, but no-one ever offers to help off their own bat, they just assume all is fine, or most likely just don't think about me at all!

you have to be direct and blunt - letting slip or only asking when you at your wits end wont cut it.

and offer money - hey xxx could your teenage son /daughter help me load these boxes tomorrow afternoon? I can pay £10

you have to go all out to get support from SS and any other services.

ask on streetlife.com or freecycle for volunteer help or local church even if you don't attend. "I have these problems with my arms/legs/disabled children need someone to help me load these boxes tomorrow afternoon? I can pay £10 "

also ask for voluntary friends support etc- be very specific - i need someone to help me next saturday wtih xxx. there are such people around. they aren't your friends now but might become so.

what can you offer in return? - some money time experience writing websites helping them sell something on ebay whatever? ? it is a two way street.

and yes if you doing a fab job keeping yourself and dc clean tidy etc then how is anyone supposed to know you actually struggling? unless you spell out specifically what you need help with. start with very specific tasks like the loading boxes.

I think you need new friends tbh....keep the existing ones for the times they provide you with laughs or whatever; seek out new acquaintances thru asking who really wants to help you load these boxes. - try local social media like streetlife.com etc

Do you have room for a lodger? If you do, you could aim for a "handy" person. I had one of these for a while, and very much miss having him around. Plus, the money would help too.

dear OP I feel for you. I have tried to figure out myself for the past ten years why not only we have to endure the chores but also have to look like we are having a great time or else…we are pathetic / attention seekers / playing victim

I still advent figure it out but something I have learnt

They feel guilty, they know you need help but they forget, they cannot be bothered, they have their own share. The more they neglect you the more guilty they feel the less want to be reminded they are failing their mate

They secretly believe your are not in such a bad position not having 1) provide s e x when you are not too much in the mood 2) don't compromise on choices / time / decisions 3) you are copying better than they can 4) your child loves you more / behave better …

They are not good friends anymore, they are spoilt selfish tossers

The are going a bad time too and can't be honest about it

Oh I could go on…and on… and on

Reality is that I look after other so called friends far more often than vice versa (they know you are stuck with yours and have even got the check to say that its always better looking after 2 kids than 1 )

I do so to create some kind of social network for my child outside school

In 10 years I think I had someone picking dc from school in emergency 5 time maximum

Where do you live OP? Shall I come around for a cuppa?
I am not great at lifting but I am very good to ask neighbours and its always easier to ask for a this person than for ourself !

Rant over

sometime spell check helps (sorry)

Thank you. all/

I contacted council today and they say there will be a man with a van provided by them on move day.

(This is after constant battling by me!).

we do as much as we can for others but are very very limited, as a poster said it goes 2 ways. of course it does.

as id said I did a million things before I became disabled and had a disabled DC and even now I do what I can in any way I can.

its just nice once in a while to return favours. if not in same way.

must apologise, you've all taken time and care to post but im a bit out of it today as im reeling from the news about Cliff Richard as im a huge fan, so not entirely with it today.

wanted to post ive acknowledged these posts you've written and I appreciate them. ill get back to you at some point.

Ive decided to try to not to take notice any more of these insensitive so called friends. (easier said than done I know).

it just eats away inside and Ive enough to do with getting on with DCs life and mine.

I guess I learnt from a young age 'if you want something done, do it yourself'. managed this long so I guess that's the way its meant to be.

there are good close friends, fairweather friends, and acquaintences, ive got to accept I don't have good friends, (except on mn!!, )and in all modesty I AM a good friend to people and I guess I expect them to be the same with me.

Glad you got the man with a van - that will make things much easier. Good luck with the move and hope that all goes well - who knows, you might have nice neighbours at the new place and make friends that way.

Yes, had this. And friends who ring you bang in the middle of bath time and dinner and leave stunned messages about where I am and why I haven't rung them back? Er???

I tend to find that people will offer couples help, but not single parents. I've also had friends ringing me to boast about how their exes are taking the children away for a fortnight, and they don't know what to do with themselves, or listing all of the lovely things that they will be doing with themselves (knowing full well that I have no support with two kids.) And telling me that I've got a child in that really bad stage i.e. toddler, which they remember was a nightmare….. I've had times when I've been on my knees with exhaustion, told a friend, and she replied "Well you knew what you were doing having another child…."

rafander glad you've got a van sorted out.

I often assume that people cannot comprehend how hard it is, they really can't.

I had an initial appointment with a NHS CBT counsellor a few weeks ago, she just didn't 'get' how hard it was to be a working LP. Apparently I have to do one nice thing for myself a day . Needless to say I've cancelled the rest of the appointments, I don't have time to waste explaining why I really don't have the time or money for nice, relaxing things or catching up on my sleep. However I did have 8 free sessions with a counsellor through work last year and she was ace, totally got why I was exhausted and said she wouldn't get me to do things inbetween sessions because she understood I was simply too busy. I wish I had the cash to see her every week .

I had a problem with a supposed CBT counsellor too a couple of years back. She had no experience or knowledge of lone parenting whatsoever nor family support issues and I left after two appointments!

Conversely a person centred counsellor who had been a single parent herself I had when my son was only a baby was bang on and totally got it.

I think people are generally pretty oblivious and rather brazen in fact. They also seem to think we can go out any time any evening we like - are they daft or what! People just don't THINK do they! And this is people who I have met in the caring professions more in a friendship capacity two of whom were district nurses and one who is a social worker .....!

Sometimes I think the only real friends are those who are single parents the rest most definitely have their role but they don't understand enough. It is a lack in them and not in us.

We're all different and there are many married mums who get absolutely no help from their partners.

Take a look at gingerbread's website to find other local single mums.

I've just started a group up and it's been really nice to meet other single parents!

pinkballood and Royal ive had that too. sucks doesn't it?

and equinox good point, its a lack in THEM, not us.