I don't know what answer there is to this but I need to write it all down, it'll probably seem irrational at the end of it because in the grand scheme of what's happened between us this is nothing.
As per, it's a long story with a lot of back story which isn't really relevant to this but results in exp being the stereotypical waster, being a dad when it suits him and being completely oblivious to doing anything wrong despite 3 years of being called up on his behaviour by countless friends and family members.
Anyway,
This weekend is the birthday party of one of my friends sons, this friend also happens to be exps cousin. We have been trying to include him in recent family things as we felt that maybe his reluctance to take part in family parties etc was because he felt excluded. Because of this, he, his daughter (not my dd) and his step daughter have been invited to the party.
Since the invites went out, he has taken dd out for the day and returned her in an appalling condition. He was sent a text telling him that it was completely unacceptable and under no circumstances was he ever to neglect dd in that way again. I told him that we were coming up in a few weeks for the party, he would see her then but all other access would be supervised.
He did not reply, he acknowledged it to DP (they work together) and told him that he wasn't going to bother texting back.
It wasn't a ranty text, it was to the point and expressed my feelings but wasn't at all aggressive or unnecessarily nit picky.
As we live a fair distance away from the party (to clarify, DP spends half his time with us and half his time up there for work) we will be staying with exps mother for the weekend. We stay there regularly as we get on well and initially it was supposed to encourage him to visit. It didn't. He comes when he feels like it. Last time we were up he visited once in the whole week we were there despite having plenty of opportunities and encouragement to do so.
I'm worried that this time he'll just come strolling in like nothing's happened, not acknowledge it or me and all this build up anger I have will bubble up.
He'll come in, make dd pancakes like he used to (which she loves, she was heartbroken last time when he didn't come to do it) and act like dad of the year all smug and dd will go running to him because she misses her daddy.
She's only 3, it's not her fault. I just don't want him to be such a coward or arrogant or oblivious or whatever it is that's stopping him being a dad or even acknowledging that there's a problem!
I want him to talk to me like a grown up so we can sort out our issues not just bury his head and hope I just magically change my personality and sympathise and forgive him for being a shit the last few years.
I hate that he's like that. I hate that dd loves him and I hate that it's my fault because I pestered and forced him to have a relationship with her. I should've just left it and let him fuck off into his own little world.
Sorry that was long, I'm not expecting anyone to read that but thankyou if you tried x