Can i stop child going to engagement party

[Jessiegirl1]

Hi everyone

I'm new to netmums but need some advice as i'm not sure what to do.

I was a single mum up until almost 3 years ago getting married this Autumn.

I have a daughter who is 4 going on 5 from a previous marriage. My ex husband over the month started getting friendly with my best friend. She got out of a bad relationship 5 minths previously. He asked for my blessing to ask her out, i said yes go ahead.
I gave my best friend a heads up and she said she wasn't interested. This was just a month ago. About 2-3 weeks ago instead of asking her out he popped the question! Yes i know!

I didn't know about this and my friend told me that she would have to ask me first, and that he had already sent invites out and everyone new about the engagement apart from her n me.

Anyhow shes accepted like a week ago officially. But before this she said that she did not want my daughter knowing until she settles at school. Which would give them time to see how the relationship goes.

I was also fine with this.

But my ex has told our daughter about the engagement and the pre planned party happenning next Saturday.
Good on them that they want to get things going, but my poor daughter is caught up in the middle.

Since this has happened i have been cut off from my best friends life she dosent want to know me. And my ex has started being a meany! Has now gone from talking decent on the phone to just text email only.

I get my head bitten off if i mention even a word now could be unrelated.
And its putting stress on me i'm not well also thyroid disease n fibromyalgia. So stress affects ne right down to movement.
I don't want my daughter seeing me stressed, and i also don't want to see my daughter get hurt if things go pear shaped between them both. As my daughter classes her as her Aunty.....

Also i'm concerned a little as her son who was then 9-10 my Godson got taken from her, and he has ran away from home 2 weeks ago. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors but its bothering me that her son has left home again.

Do i have any right to stop my child seeing her until they settle in there relationship.

Ignoring the fact that this is mumsnet & not netmums

Does your ex have DD regularly and play a part in her life?

"I'm new to netmums but need some advice as i'm not sure what to do."

Did you realise this isn't Netmums?

That aside, no there is nothing whatsoever you can do to prevent your ex from introducing his DD to anyone he wants to, in whatever terms he wants to use, when she is with him. That doesn't make his course of action right, or in your DD's best interests, or an example of good co-parenting. But you cannot prevent it, and accepting that is horrid but important.

Oops sorry mumsnet lol

Yes he has her 4 weeks a year. And did have her every two weeks Thurs-Sun. He picks i collect.
But this changes when she starts school sept to Fri-sun.

This is Mumsnet- welcome!

I don't think you can stop her seeing her dad just because circumstances aren't perfect.

However, I also think her Dad and your friend are stupid to get engaged when they are still "seeing where things go". Really, you should "see where things go" before you commit to getting engaged, but I guess that would be another AIBU thread.

You can't stop your DD from being involved in things that MIGHT hurt her later. I know you want to protect her, but this is real life. It would probably cause more harm than good if you stopped her Dad from seeing her now.

I mean this kindly, but YABU. You can't control what happens in her Dad's relationships.

Sorry OP I don't think you can stop it.

You DD already knows this women so it's not like she is a stranger plus if they are engaged then she will be seeing a lot more of her.

On a side note I think they are rushing in to this but it's down to them.

Oh don't get me wrong it wasn't to stop her seeing her Dad it was just to stop the mentioning of relationship or engagement to our daughter til they had given the relationship time to blossom.

Or have they been seeing for much longer than they are letting on?

Again you cannot police what he says to her. He is talking about his relationship which is a perfectly normal thing to do the fact that you disagree with it means nothing I'm afraid.

He proposed before they'd even been out together

Hmmmm think you're not being told the full story about their relationship.

No shes only been seeing him for one week officially before this it was just meals out with the kids etc. before this. And her abusive partner left her 5 months ago.
I wholeheartedly hope the relationship works i could never put up with his dramas but she may as she has more patience or how do you put it will put up with just about anything thrown in her direction.

So i really have no option but to let her go to the party. I will always be there for my daughter i mean there will be times were she may get hurt i just hope this isn't one of them.

I think they've been seeing eachother a lot longer behind everyone's backs. Anyway, that aside your dd will probably not have a full understanding of the horror of daddy going off with aunty due to her age so she will probably be ok with the party itself. If you generally consider her to be safe with her dad then I think you just have to let this happen.

Keep contact with ex civil and as little as necessary.

I also think they have been seeing each other a lot longer.

I don't think you can stop her if it is on his contact time.

Thanks everyone for your help.
I think i'm going to have to be careful from here on in as iv had two very horrible texts from him last night where he was twisting my words.
I received a gas debt bill in my name for his old place and added him on as 3rd party so he could help figure out.
I got a very horrid response and he always brings my health and finances into it.(i recently declared bankruptcy from past debts before i met my ex husband)
I have a feeling he may be heading down the custody route but il wait and see in that one.

Anyhow can i set a bedtime for my daughter when she stays over as shes always super tired on her return and with school coming up i need her to be up and atum with the birdies.

No, you can't set a bedtime. Whatever he does during his time is down to him, so providing he isn't putting xour dd at risk then he can feed her at weird times, let her sleep when she wants and take her to engagement parties etc. It takes getting used to and compensating on your part bx doing things like earlier bedtime the following day but they are allowed to do it.