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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ds asking for his daddy and crying

10 replies

sillymillyb · 15/07/2014 20:57

I am struggling today and have just spoken out on a totally unrelated issue on a step parent thread so thought it best I came here to vent before I get flamed to a crisp over there!

DS is 2.5 and his dad and I haven't been together since, well, conception. He now visits once a month for the weekend (but never takes ds out alone - his choice) DS has always just sort of accepted this and never asks for him or anything.

The past few days though, whenever the door goes he has run to it and shouted "My daddy is here!!" and been asking where daddy is, is daddy going to come read story etc etc. He has been pointing out other kids and asking if they are going home to see their daddys, and just generally been really gutted when I have explained daddy doesn't live near us and he will see us soon.

I feel I have let him down because it is my fault he doesn't have his daddy here cos I chose to shag someone I wasn't in a relationship with (we used to be best friends and had a fling,he freaked and did a runner basically) I am gutted he is so gutted at the moment, I am so angry with his dad cos he just doesn't care that our son is so affected. He has had to be pushed to visit as often as he does, he won't phone or anything in between, he is such a SHIT offering as a father, and I hate myself for not being able to protect my DS who deserves so much.

Please tell me this will pass? I have so much work to do tonight and all I am doing is moping and wanting to kill his dad for not giving a shit.

OP posts:

misstiredbuthappy · 15/07/2014 21:09

It will pass I promise. My dd didnt see her dad for years and I used to feel guilty as hell like she was missing out on something.

Shes 5 now and he sees her from time to time. Always at myne never for more than half an hour.its very frustrating, pisses me off that hes not arsed that hes got no bond with dd.

Dd is a lovely little girl not affected by her arseole of a father bieng a heartless idiot. She never asks for him and hardly ever talks about him. Its his loss.

You havent let him down OP your there through the good, bad and the ugly, you love, care support and provide for him dont ever feel like youve let him down I promise you havent

goshhhhhh · 15/07/2014 21:11

I'm so sorry you are going through this & not sure what to say. I suspect it is a developmental stage & will pass.If it is any consolation I often think we can't do right for doing wrong as a parent and he is better off having you then a shit dad. Also you are not in control &never will be over their relationship.
My Dd has two parents & often I can't do right for doing wrong - apparently it was a mistake to tell her eye makeup was lovely. I'm obviously a craps mum. I am also the person she has deep & meaningfuls with. You are the person that your ds feels safe enough with to say what's going on in his head. You must be a great mum & as in everything in parenting this will pass & probably come back again in a different form.

wheelycote · 15/07/2014 21:21

All you can do is give much love......give many hugs....many snuggles and lots of reassurance. Unfortunately your little one is learning a hard lesson that shouldn't have to be learned until all grown up (That sometimes people we love let us down badly).

Your his constant and his consistant rock......so carry on giving much much love.....and many many hugs.....with lots of little reassurances. It'll pass and probably swing back round for a little while and then pass again...a bit like grieving.

Be kind to yourself aswell....we cant protect them from everything unfortunately...

This time next year....you'll both be in a different place and this part will be a hazy memory, as it should be

Original poster

sillymillyb · 15/07/2014 21:31

Oh thank you for replying - your kind words have made me cry.

I don't think it helps that DS behaviour has been shite lately, so he is spending what feels like forever in the naughty corner for lashing out at me. I hate it, but I am trying to be constant in my response so he can at least trust that I will be there (or something, I am rambling now!)

He has also been so intensively needy lately, he wants to kiss me but it isn't enough until he has pushed his face right against mine until it hurts us both. And then he lashes out again. Then he asks for daddy.

Can I have wine now?! Thank you for your responses, it really has made a difference, especially to know that other kids go through it and they are ok. Being a parent is so fecking hard isn't it?

OP posts:

misstiredbuthappy · 15/07/2014 21:40

Oh the terrible twos realy are terrible arent they! Will pass soon.

Yes get a wine and an early night you feel better tomorrow. Yes it is hard VERY hard

Original poster

sillymillyb · 15/07/2014 21:40

Argghhh, I could bloody scream!

I texted ds dad yesterday saying ds was distressed and asking for him and asking him if he would call.

He has just texted to say he hates thought of him upset but that is just the way life is, and when he is older he can visit him as much as he likes in his spare time.

I truly want to kill him, the short sighted, selfish bastard.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 15/07/2014 22:12

Behaviour is communication
He lashes out to test you
See if you still love him
Daddy left maybe you will. In his mind. He is only two. Don't put him in the naughty corner. Give him lots of love.
Why is he needy ? Because he has somehow understood that dad isn't there for him so is pushing the boundaries with you. Let him know you love him and are there for him. Do positive reinforcement not negative.

No point getting angry at his dad or anyone. It is how it is.
Do you have your parents or other family ? Who could visit and spend time with him? Or ? So if he doesn't have daddy he does have uncle or grandpa or aunty ?
Or a special teddy ?

bluebell8782 · 16/07/2014 14:02

Hi SillyMilly,

Most normal people wouldn't support the attitude of your useless ex - even us wicked step-mothers

Your ex is the one missing out. It's hard to detach if you see someone you love being upset and I feel sorry for you. All you can do is give lots of love and cuddles. He will grow up and realise who was really there in his life.

anditgoeson · 18/07/2014 22:17

I am going through a similar thing. I split with my LO's F recently and my DS has started crying for his daddy a lot lately. Something he has never done before even though his F hasn't really been around regularly for just under a year ('work'). At first I didn't know what to do and now when he cries for his daddy I just acknowledge him and ask him if I can give him a cuddle instead. It seems to be working and he is being soothed by that now. He too is acting up when he's always been so a lovely easy going little boy. I agree with the other comments, lots and lots of love and patience. Also, I have told my parents all this and they are making the effort to give him lots of love and understanding too. I have told his F and he promises to see him more but then let's him down at the last minute. I obviously don't tell my DS this, I just feel heartbroken for him.
Like others have said it is what it is and you just have to work through it. We can only do as much as we can and unfortunately there are going to be times its not going to be enough but with plently of love hopefully those times won't be too many.

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 22/07/2014 20:50

Oh god, you poor thing. Open the wine now.
FWIW, DS had a similar phase of wanting his dad and it seemed to last forever but he's grown out of it now he's 3. Hold tight, you're doing all you can to give your DS a secure and loving upbringing and he will realise this in time.

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