exH being a twat about access already

[avocadogreen]

Aaaarrgh I'm so pissed off, so sounding off here so I don't do something stupid like rant at him down the phone or post a big facebook rant.

We separated back in March because I discovered his affair. He has since lost his job and moved back to London. He could have got another job here, he moved to London because he wanted to, he was clear about that. The OW still lives here though she is looking for work in London and planning to move in with him.

I wasn't happy about the move but he promised he would still have the kids every other weekend, he would leave work early to get here at a reasonable time and then drive them over to his parents who live an hour away from here.

So this was his first weekend... he didn't check with his boss until yesterday whether he could leave early every other friday. Of course the answer was no! So he eventually arrived at 10pm to get the kids. He is supposed to have them until sun evening, now he is saying he will have to drop them off in the morning so he can get back. No doubt it's actually because he wants to see OW.

He has just told me that next time it is his weekend he will come and stay in this town (ie with OW) and just have them during the day. I have told him categorically no way, he then suggested I go away for the weekend and he stays here in the house with them!

I am trying to be very unemotional and matter of fact- I just keep saying 'that doesn't work for me' and reiterating that the original arrangement was 6pm fri until 6pm sun, but inside I am fuming!! And he is acting all hard done by. I am really pissed off that basically he wants to try and fit in seeing OW on a weekend with the kids, but he doesn't actually want to involve her in their lives, he has already said that 'they' don't think it's right for the kids to meet her yet, even though I have said I'm fine with it.

The worst thing is, at the end of the day if he decides not to see them there's not a flying fuck I can do about it. We don't have any access agreement in writing.

Yes, he's been an idiot - but you need to lower your expectations. Not many people can leave work early every other Friday, and if he ends up losing his job then surely that will mean no maintenance payments? And what's wrong with him taking the children out for the day in your town when it's his weekend? Sorry but you sound a bit irrational and emotional.

You are right it is annoying but there is not much you can do to make him take his share of childcare.

My x is similar, doesn't want to commit to anything and will text for access with a couple of days notice. Sometimes he won't see them for weeks because he's busy with his life, but people still think he's a good dad cos he'll have them for a week when he can fit them in

It's early days for you but you will probably

1. Accept that it's all up to you, and you can't rely on anyone else especially your ex. Unfortunately you don't get much me time.
2. Learn to really enjoy spending time with your kids (sometimes that can be hard!)
3. Take control and if he wants them when it's not convenient for you say no.

Sorry if this sounds defeatist but there's lots of lps on here that get absolutely zilch from their feckless exes!

The issue is that I told him if he moved away it would mean he wouldn't be able to pick the kids up til late... he assured me it would be fine and he would arrange it. I knew this would happen, but I am still pissed off that it has.

The issue with him taking the kids out in this town on his access weekend is that he wants to pick them up in the morning and drop them back at bedtime on saturday and sunday, so he can spend the nights at his girlfriend's place. This means on my supposed weekend off I still have the kids at nightime. I don't think that's fair and it's not what we agreed to.

I do enjoy spending time with the kids, but I am working full time and I am exhausted. I just didn't think he would become this crap so quickly. At one point we were talking about 50/50 custody and now he won't even commit to every other weekend.

"You need to lower your expectations" - I wonder if society would lower their expectations if mum didn't turn up to pick them up from school cos boss wouldn't let her leave early?

It's always the resident parent that has to sacrifice and the selfish bastards get away with it. Op is angry cos he wants his cake and eats it and she probably right. He had his affair and now wants everyone else to fit in so he can carry on his relationship.

I'm angry for op especially as the ex sounds just like my ex!

And yes it's exhausting being the rp and working full time especially when you're messed about like this.

Wrt just having them during the day you perhaps are letting your emotions cloud things. If it suits you and you can get jobs done on saturday easier let him have them. Then have a job free fun day on Sunday.

If he has them all weekend, nights as well, what's to stop him taking them to OW's to sleep, instead of his parents' house? Wouldn't that be worse?

Why cant him take them to the OWs house to sleep, it makes much more sense.

Yeah right OP should lower expectations.
He should buck up his ideas.

And OW should suck it up too. She chose to have an affair with a man with dc but now she does not want to deal with the consequences.

OP I am livid on your behalf. They are children not an inconvenience.

Is your x's boss not obliged to listen to reasonable requests for flexible working where dcs are involved? Or does that only kick in after a while?

But the very LEAST your x can do is have them overnight on Saturday.

Maybe suggest family mediation and thrash it out there.

OP, Your last paragraph is absolutely correct, whether you have an agreement or not. It sucks! !

Why should avocado lower her expectations? She works full time too so will be doing everything on her own for those children - and he has swanned off, moved away and is refusing to do his share of bringing up his children. He won't even have them overnight

And it's not just that he's opting out of being a parent. He doesn't have the decency to be honest or talk to avocado and consider how his actions will affect her - or his children.

You cannot be a proper parent to your children if you are only wanting to take them out for the day. That's what's wrong with it.

But instead of criticising Dad for opting out let's just tell mum to lower her expectations. It's attitudes like that from other women, other people, that allow NRPs to think its ok to behave like that.

Instead of pointing out that he might lose his job, consider it from her point of view - what if avocado runs herself into the ground working full time and having to do it all? How is that going to be best for the children? What about her income?

Avocado I really sympathise and don't blame you for being angry and upset.

Chiefbillynacho, With all of the will in the world, a NRP who is determined to see or not see his DC when and if he chooses, for as long or short as he chooses, will not be made to adhere to any agreements to contact.
This is a very bitter pill to swallow for many RP's but it is sadly representative of those families where the NRP makes choices based on his wants and needs.
Perhaps the people who are asking OP to consider reducing her expectations are saying this because unfulfilled expectations inevitably lead to disappointment.

RP's have virtually no power to make the NRP have contact but if OP wants to fight this battle and join the many others who have tried in vain before her, she is obviously welcome to, however there will be much angst along the way and it is highly likely to change nothing.

I feel for OP but in the end, accepting the situation and changing what I could change helped me and countless other RP'S enormously.

I'm an RP with an ex who pays nothing towards his children and has by and large opted out of their lives. He's not reliable with having them, especially if he knows I am working or going away. He refuses to have them then tells me I'm preventing contact. He does the whole "I have to work so I can't have them" thing while also criticising me for booking childcare so I can work. I do get that side of things.

My post was really in response to Sunnyfeet's (probably should have made that clear!), telling avocado that she was being irrational and emotional. She isn't and I don't think it's ok either to say that it's perfectly ok to just take your children out for the day instead of having proper contact. Avocado is having a perfectly normal response IMO to someone who is opting out of parenting. Loads of RPs like you and I have learnt from experience is that it is out of our locus of control but it doesn't make it ok.

Could you - and you shouldn't have to, he's an arse - but could you drive them over to his parents house? That way you get a break, the kids have a routine they can depend on (10pm is a ridiculous time to be collecting them) and the problem of his unwillingness to parent then impacts on his parents rather than you.

balia's suggestion is a good one, if you have a positive relationship with his parents. How have they taken news of his affair? Do they support you and the kids and would they help?

FWIW I know how shit and frustrating it is. And you do need to have some kind of back up and regular time out, because working and doing everything for the children is not sustainable without a little team behind you. I have moved to be close to my own family and built up a group of friends I can turn to in an emergency.

It shouldn't be this way, and it's not fair. Anger and hurt and sadness are normal and it's completely right that you get to express that - so vent it on here, I for one won't tell you it's irrational or that you sound too emotional! Why the bloody hell shouldn't you be emotional? It's a shit and painful situation. I get emotional about my stuff with the ex, and not getting a break makes that so much worse.

You're not alone, not that it probably helps much x

That's a really good suggestion Balia.

As an RP with a totalling useless NRP, I totally get that I can't make him see his kids and not only that I shouldn't have to. His dcs access to him is his responsibility.

However, I still ask for more than he offers to make it clear that his offerings are unacceptable iyswim. Hence saying OP should tell him the LEAST he can do is have them over Saturday night. He may not agree but that doesn't make it wrong to ask. Otherwise if OP says hey yeah have them for the day he will think he is 'doing his best' as a dad instead of what it is- doing what he thinks he can get away with.

I ask. I don't expect to get. If he doesn't see the kids for 5 or 6 weeks I shrug and tell myself it is his loss. But the OP has every right to be pissed off. It is not her job to make his new life rosy for him.

Maybe go down the parents route. Or drive them over to OWs house.

thanks for the supportive messages. I did think about driving over to his parents' house myself, it is probably better for the kids... but part if me thinks it is his problem to fix not mine- if I do that I will be doing a 2-hour round trip to make his life easier, meanwhile he will have no incentive to actually sort things out himself, and I will end up doing it every time.

His girlfriend lives in a houseshare so the DC can't stay there anyway. There is also the fact that he hasn't told the kids about her and he says she doesn't want to meet them!

I bet she doesn't. That would make it all a bit real eh?

No what you mean about not driving them to his parents. Why should you. But it might be better than letting him off the hook.

Alternatively, family mediation would at least give you face to face and it might make him see the situation more clearly for the disgrace it is when he has to say it in front of someone else.

That said not gone this route with my x because he only gives a toss when it suits him and at no other time and he has no shame only reasobs that are in his totally valid. So it depends if your x has any shame.

reasons that are, in his head, totally valid