Unsure how/whether to tell ExP about birth WWYD? (long and a bit ranty- sorry)

[HoneyBadger80]

So here's the back story.

My ExP and I split up last April 2013, but had a fling again through Sept and Oct of last year and I ended up pregnant- he ended the fling before either of us knew I was pregnant, and I was on the pill at the time, so it was a shock when I found out. There is NO question that the baby is his.

As soon as I knew I told him, just because I thought he had the right to know- he went through the range of responses from' your trying to trap me', to 'are you sure its mine', to 'it cant be mine', to 'this is the worst thing that could ever happen to me- its my worst nightmare', then finally to resignation and saying he would do the right thing if I went ahead with the preg.

I decided to go ahead, even knowing I'd be doing it alone and told him so. He said he thought I was mad and what did my parents think and what would my friends (meaning our joint friends) think....basically translating to 'I don't want anyone to know im the dad cos i wish i wasnt'.

So...I gave him a choice. I offered to waive any rights to financial support etc, if he agreed to waive his rights to 'fatherhood'. He would in effect just be a sperm doner and would hear nothing from me again. I would keep his identity a secret and he could pretend it had never happened. (Controversial I know- and no doubt there will be those that spout off about how he shouldn't have the choice, the child needs to know the father blah blah blah....im not about to force someone into parenthood when it was my choice to continue a pregnancy that neither of us could have predicted would occur. THATS not what I'm asking for advice on.)

Annyways, That was mid last November- I've heard nothing at all from him since then despite our mutual friends, my phone number/FB are the same, I live and work in the same place, and therefore assume he took my offer with both hands and ran very very quickly to the next happy hour at the pub. I have kept my promise and no one knows who the 'father' is.

My question is- now that my due date is looming- should I let him know once I have the baby?

I mean, im not reneging on my offer- I'm ok for him to walk away and never see/hear from him again, (I have enough funds to support my children and myself without him...and I have managed to bring up my DS (now 8) without his dad (another story) and he is a well rounded, lovely boy thus far (pats self on the back))...but I just feel a tug of guilt. I'm not sure if its guilt that the baby wont know his dad or grandparents, that ExP might feel differently and want to be part of the babys life once he's born or what, but theres a definite unease there that I cant quite shake.

I did think I might just send out a standard birth announcement card like I will to my family and friends...name, weight, height, DOB, TOB and a photo. That way it opens the door for him to make contact if he wants to, gives him something real and tangible to consider, the possibility of actually being a dad?

But then, I figure why the hell should I- he knows where I am and has had ample opportunity to ask the question, to be involved, to say he had changed his mind.

I know in my heart of hearts that he is happy to have gotten away with what probably thousands of men wish they could get away with...that he has moved on with his life, partying, new GF, holidays abroad, etc without the worries of being financially tied to someone for 16-18 years, no sleepless nights or snotty noses and pooey nappies or being woken up at 6am every Saturday morning, or having to do school runs or making any of the 'sacrifices' having a child inevitably entails ... he can just carry on being a complete peter-pan syndrome suffering wreck-head, pretending that it never happened...that my 'offer' was as a result of knowing that the baby wasn't his or some other excuse he allows himself to erase any trace of guilt.

I then remind myself its not about me, its about giving the baby a chance to know his dad and no matter what I think about the kind of 'father' the EX would be, its not my future im playing with.

Should I let him know even though he probably doesn't want to. Would he take a notification of the birth as me going back on my word and having some expectations on him for money...or do I not bother saying anything when he might actually have thought about wanting to be a dad but not having the clackers to say he has changed his mind. Would it stir up problems for him as he has hidden it all this time from his family/GF and end up with anger being directed towards me.

Just swinging wildly (courtesy of hormones no doubt) between the devil and the deep blue... WWYD?

I know you said you're not asking for advice on this subject, but your unease seems to come from the idea that you might not be doing right by your dc.

And I think that's the crux. It's all very well you saying "go, pay nothing, pretend you have no child", but is that what is best for the dc?

Maintenance isn't for you, it's for the dc. Contact isn't for you or xp, it's for the dc to know who they are and have a relationship with all aspects of their family.

It could be xp will want nothing to do with dc. But do you really think you can lie to your child and deny them the right
to know who they are?

Who cares about lying to friends, you are planning on deceiving your child. Are you really sure you're ok with this?

I would just send the standard card to him, that way he knows but your not engaging in a particularly personal way. I wouldn't see it as going back on anything. Just a vague bit of courtesy. Good luck

Personally, I think don't tell him.
"But then, I figure why the hell should I- he knows where I am and has had ample opportunity to ask the question, to be involved, to say he had changed his mind."
This is the bit of your OP which summed it up for me...he knows how long a pregnancy takes. Just leave it there.
Best of luck with it all xx

I am in a similar situation. I told the guy when I was 4 weeks pregnant and he went through all the same emotions before telling me 'good luck with it all' then blocked me in any technological way possible and continued with his carefree party life style.

I didn't tell him when baby was born, firstly because I couldn't get hold of him and my son was ill when born and chasing him was the last thing on my mind.

He obviously heard about the baby through mutual friends and he did contact me when drunk one night, gave me a load of apologies and that was basically it, no mention of the baby I think he was more interested in wether we could go back to having a bit of fun!!!

Anyway i do wonder should I push it more and ask him does he want to be involved because I worry everyday about baby growing up without his dad but then he knows where I am, he knows he exsists so why should I.

As you say you have already raised one child by yourself I'm sure you will do just as an amazing job with this one. Yes people will comment its important to have a dad in a child's life but from personal experience as a child myself that is not always the case.
Good luck to you and stay strong :)

PURPLE: That's roughly where my thoughts were heading just out of the same courtesy that made me tell him I was Preg in the first place, but I do have the occasional moments where I am of the Same opinion as professionallurker where I think screw him- he knows where I am!

CHOWEBELLA: I have to admit I haven't even tried to contact him since last year- I haven't checked facebook or tried to call or anything so god only knows if he'd still be accessible if I did try. I am only working on the assumption he still lives at his parents house?!?! who knows. Oh and re "Yes people will comment its important to have a dad in a child's life but from personal experience as a child myself that is not always the case." I agree. xxx

I wouldn't tell him either. The bane of my existence is watching dds excuse for a father dip in and out depending on how busy he is with girlfriends and hobbies. If I could go back in time and run off into the sunset without him knowing, I would. I think sometimes a child is better off having no dad than a shit dad but then I can see the arguement too that who are we to decide? It's such a difficult one.

My ultimate thought though would be that if you don't contact him now, you always can open that door but if you do contact him now, that's a door you might never be able to shut no matter how much you want to.

I think you should tell him. I agree, it looks like from his lack of contact that he had made the decision already not to have any contact our acknowledge your dc, but perhaps for dcs sake you should give him one last chance? Just a short text, email or card, saying dc is here, if he has changed his mind about contact then to get in touch, and if not then that is fine. I think then you may feel better about the decision because in fact he has made it for you?

If you've got mutual friends (did I read that right?) he'll presumably hear about it at some point? If you were pregnant by another man would you send your ex a birth announcement?

Honeybadger, you sound like a very intelligent woman and you clearly have your children's best interests as your priority.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer via experience. Hopefully, others will be along to tell you their experiences of a completely absent father vs. a 'grudgingly semi-present' one. (Sorry - I can't think of a better way to phrase that).

My heart tells me that no father is better than a bad one, but I guess it's difficult to know whether ExP will have an epiphany after you tell him the babies here? Is there anything to be lost by telling him the baby is born? You shouldn't have to but, ultimately, there's no harm in doing so. Is there any harm in not telling ExP? Depends. Is it possible that he may want to get in touch with you but feels like he can't? Would not telling him the baby is born send him a message that the door to him being a part of the baby's life is closed forever? You know him, so you're best placed to decide.

It's a tricky situation but the fact you're giving it so much consideration speaks volumes about the kind of mum you are to your DC. They'll have a great mum irrespective of their father being present or not. Good luck.

What was the last communication he sent to you?

Personally, I wouldn't notify him, he will find out soon anyway.

@merciful- I agree with you totally- I think the part of me that knows from personal experience that no dad is better than one who is forced into it and dips in and out at his convenience between other interests figures my DC will be better off in the long run without that interference.

Your statement has really made me think a lot though...its a really valid point "My ultimate thought though would be that if you don't contact him now, you always can open that door but if you do contact him now, that's a door you might never be able to shut no matter how much you want to."

@Anjou I do know him, I know he likes to play the blame game, and tbf i'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't. He's really not the epiphany type- more of the feels hard done by if he feels he's been slighted- gets his arse in his hands and after much brooding on how unfair life is and how unfairly hes been treated thinks 'hang on a minute- its not YOUR baby, its mine as well and I've got rights'....just before he gets bored of the crying and abandons DC with his mom and chuffs off down the pub. (or at least that's what he used to do when he offered to babysit his nephew and it all got too much!)

@beccajoh I'm a bit confused by the question re sending a birth announcement if i was pregnant by another man?? there's no question that DC is/will be his- I think he knows this deep down, but I think he tells himself that im letting him off with it because there's a chance its not to alleviate himself of the guilt of walking away. We have multiple mutual friends, so I've no doubt that he will hear about it... the point of sending the birth announcement is not to let him know that DC is his, but to let him know that the door is open for contact if that's what he wants. Its just a nudge to say "if you want to change your mind here's your chance" but without putting any expectations there just in case he hasn't. I suppose thinking about your question, that No I wouldn't send an announcement if DC was even possibly another mans, so I guess that would help him move toward a more definite conclusion that he is definitely a father.

@littleturkish - last message was that im mental and I've got serious problems!!!

Going through similar. You have my sympathy! Slightly different circumstances in that everyone knows who father is and I've asked him to be involved.....he won't. I'm selfish because I asked if he wanted to be there after birth as baby might need special care. Absolute coward!1 Anyway its about you and baby and knickers to him! I'm still tempted to let mine know when baby is born but why should I? Him burying his head in the sand is going to be his own undoing as his extended family and friends want to see my baby. From a legal point of view he can't opt out of responsibility permanently more like you can both choose not to do anything about it. That said either of you CAN do something at any point in the future ie: he can apply for his name on birth cert and you can apply for child support at any point the child is underage. Good luck let us know what you decide

@ foolsrushin sorry your having a crappy time of it too...yes how very selfish of you to want your child to have the best care! pfffft.

It really does make you generalize the whole male species into tWUNT AND tWUNTIER!

I think if the ExP's family- especially his mom and sister knew I was pregnant, as its his first child, they would have a fit if he decided to have nothing more to do with DC. I worry that on this basis he would opt in, but only because he felt forced to by his family and wouldn't want to look bad for them...I may be wrong- he might be a shining beacon of fatherhood that would put me to shame...but i somehow doubt it.

Well i'm 38wk + 1 now, I reckon for now ive given it enough thought, I reckon your right.... "...you can both choose not to do anything about it. That said either of you CAN do something at any point in the future ie: he can apply for his name on birth cert and you can apply for child support at any point the child is underage"

Knickers to him for now, he knows where I am, I have made it very clear to our most connected mutual friends when my due date is and that I wouldn't be closed to the 'mystery-father' being involved in the childs life if he so wished.

Good luck with the pregnancy/birth- hope the LO is healthy and well- you sound like you've got your head screwed on right, so stuff the ex's eh! xxxx

I have to say I would send birth card. We fell out with MIL when pregnant. It was the right thing to do. My Ds has no contact with dad since 3 and agree my DS's dad caused more problems than not. I bent over backwards to try and make contact work ( probably why it took 3 years for it to die a death) but I am happy I mead and attempt to get it to work.

I would send the card because I assume you aren't going to deny your DC the right to know who he is when older if he/she asks. I would not like him to have the opt out I didn't know you were even born and bat it back to you which sounds like something he would do.

I wouldn't necessarily put a note in encouraging contact. Just a simple birth announcement then ball is in his court

Good luck to you too hun and thanks for your lovely comments about my head being screwed on as I certainly don't feel like it is lol. I think its different for everyone but I don't deem it in my childs best interests to pursue any contact after he has been offered so many chances. The lifestyle he leads is unhealthy and his ex is a poisonous witch. So I won't be chasing him I will always tell my baby who her dad is and the real reasons he didn't want to be involved when they are old enough. Its just an observation but I can bet your bottom dollar they know who the babys dad is. They screwing their own lives up really because no decent woman will stick by a bloke who shirks his responsibilities, would anyone here? I wouldn't. The sucker that I am I'd believe it for a while but it wouldn't sit well with me long term....NOPE. Oh I don't see my kid cos she got pregnant on purpose. We decided she'd do all the work. She won't let me see my child........or whatever crap they come out with whether its true or not. All those situations can be negotiated by a legal route. Fact is, these babies are living breathing humans created by 2 people and BOTH those people should man up and step up!! Sorry for the rant its how I feel lol

@ starlight - I think that's probably what i'll end up doing- you know, just an official poke in the rib that his firstborn has finally arrived. Sorry to hear your DS's dad has let him down too- you hope for the best I suppose but sadly so many women have the same story of Ex's who just are too selfish an cant be bothered. Its like you say...at least you can say you did everything you could x

I have photos of the ExP for DC when he grows up and eventually asks the questions, and I shall write a letter of 'the story of your mom & dad' and stick it in a box with the pics, and an immediate family tree just in case anything ever happened to me, so that the information is there either way and so he will know where he came from.

Im quite fortunate in the fact I know about family history of illnesses and quite far back up his 'fathers' family tree so there will be plenty of information there for him to know where he came from if he decides to go and investigate out of curiosity. Although I have to say my mom did the same for me with my Bio-dad, and apart from having enough curiosity to mooch through my memory box when I was about 17, I have had no interest in him either before or since?!?

@ foolsrushin- honey I think you are being really strong especially with all the chances you have given your ex - I wouldn't stick with a man who turned his back on his own child either your right. Rant away, I think we are more than entitled to have a ...."theyre all selfish b**tards" moment! lol xxx

Well Honey there is no other way to look at it really. I doubt I'd feel any compassion or sympathy if any of these men were my dad. I'd feel cheated and unwanted and unloved. They can go on and live their lives with no conscience at all? If my mum told me the story about my dad that I'm going to have to tell my child I think I'd be very angry xxx

I feel for your ex's mum too. Pretty crap to have a grandchild you'll never know about because your own son is so feeble he can't bear to even try being a good father. Good luck with the birth OP. You're going to be a great mum (again)

Good point there Mrs. My ex's mum is no longer with us and the relationship with his dad is ok but full of underlying resentment over him not being there for him during childhood. Funny how history repeats itself huh?

@ mrsmaturin- I do feel for his mum- we had a good relationship and as it goes she'd be a great nan :S
Thanks for the luck xxx