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Lone parents

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Original poster

What happens if I sign the child benefit over to ex?

45 replies

DollyTwat · 03/07/2014 18:51

There is a massive back story as to why ds1 is currently staying at his dads house, but not sure it's relevant to my question. I'll try to keep it short

Ds1 decided he would try out living with his dad for a bit, he's been displaying some extreme behaviour towards me, and I think as his dad hadn't bothered much for the past 9 years, he wanted to see wHat it was like. Probably the main cause if his behaviour has been the awful way his dad has behaved.

Yes it was heartbreaking but I said fine, if that's what you need to do. My ex had always been ea and has made my life hell for the last 9 years. No financial contribution to the dc and arrears of csa of £2,500

So Ds1 has been there 5 weeks, ex wants me to sign over his child benefit and I feel it's too soon and that we need to give it at least 3 months to make such a permanent decision. Also I suspect that ex's motive for wanting ds1 there is that he is worth a lot in benefits to him (he doesn't work).

So what else am I signing over if I agree, he's saying it's easy to sign it back if ds1 comes back, but I'm scared that I'll have given him more than that and he'll be able to make decisions that I won't be happy with

I don't trust him at all, but I'm being put under pressure to sign it over. Does anyone know the legalities?

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Original poster

DollyTwat · 04/07/2014 23:25

Ds1 seems pretty certain he wants to live there seems his dad has convinced him he needs to live with him, as only he can understand anything to do with boys. He's pretty defensive if I try to talk to him about coming home

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17leftfeet · 04/07/2014 23:25

If he gets the CB he will then try and claim maintenance

Even though you essentially have one child each living with you, the fact that you work means he would be entitled to claim maintenance from you

Original poster

DollyTwat · 04/07/2014 23:31

Yes I think you're right. The fact he's paid £5 a week from his benefit for years and is now complaining he's struggling is astonishing. He couldn't have cared less that we were struggling.

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Original poster

DollyTwat · 04/07/2014 23:49

Just googled and it would appear that his arrears can be offset against any maintenance I might owe him.

I'd never see ds1 go without - even though that's what ex has done to us for 9 years

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LadySybilLikesCake · 05/07/2014 13:37

There's things you can do without making your child go without, like paying for his lunches (direct to the school) and buying him the clothes/shoes that he needs (I'm a single mum and I'd have no problem if ds's father did this BTW, but others may).

littlemissminime · 05/07/2014 21:28

If your son come back to lie with you, you can go through the channels to get it back, I just had to show proof mine was with me as dad said he was with him. I ha a letter from school, school dinner receipts, proof from the doctor and dentist that he was registered to my address.

Stars66 · 05/07/2014 21:34

I haven't read all the posts, but can't understand that if you don't trust him, why would you let your child live with him?

Original poster

DollyTwat · 05/07/2014 23:17

He chose to go there. We had an argument where I told him his behaviour wasn't acceptable. I had started to feel quite scared of him squaring up to me, elbowing me out of the way, calling me vile names. I've never out up with it, it was escalating.

So he called his dad who came and got him. What ex should have done is parent him and tell him it was unacceptable. What he saw was an opportunity to get him to live with him and get lots of benefits.

I could fight it and get him back as ex has no contact order but really where does that get me? He's 12. If he really wants to be there I can't stop him

It just feels too soon to make it permanent

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littlemissminime · 05/07/2014 23:54

I'd just give it. You're only gonna have the worry of getting into trouble for claiming it fraudulently. If he wants to live with dad and dads struggling, let him have it. I've been in this position and my 11 yr old is the same, he hates me and regularly gave me abuse and now lives with dad. I know dad only has him so he can get one over on me or as he puts it "see me in my arse" without the child benefit, it really doesn't see me in my arse without it!
He sounds a compete tosser, lack of parenting skills and should have stuck up for you instead of seeig his son as a meal ticket. Arse.

Original poster

DollyTwat · 06/07/2014 01:19

I'm so sorry you've been through this too littlemiss. It's heart breaking isn't it

Ds stayed here Friday and we had a lovely night. He's coming tomorrow too. I still feel anxious about whether he'll kick off at me.

May be you're right, I'll give it til 8 weeks and sign it over. Ds knows the significance of it as I've told him

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sanfairyanne · 06/07/2014 08:26

sounds a very hard decision
its good that your ds understands. does he know your ex never pays child support for him?

Original poster

DollyTwat · 06/07/2014 11:06

Oh yes he knows
Now ex has to pay for something it's a different story! It would seem that he thinks having children is free to him and is slightly outraged it's costing him money and he NAY even have to consider getting a JOB!

He's only had him a few weeks and keeps complaining about how much food he eats and that he wants this and that. I'm waiting for the penny to drop that thTs what I've been doing for 12 years with no support from him at all

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starlight1234 · 07/07/2014 13:11

I would be tempted to send Child benefit to him..Like someone else said through bank so it is traceable.

I would also consider saying this months will pay for school uniform and next month will forward it to you.

It sounds like the novelty is wearing off quickly

theironinglady123 · 07/07/2014 14:45

CSA won't offset arrears against a new maintenance claim. However I'm aware that cases are being transferred to CMS now so their policy may be different but I'm 95% sure it isn't. The maintenance is for the child so it would be seen as tw child has already not be financially provided for during one period so to offset maintenance against those arrears would mean yet again the child wasn't be financially provided for at that time. Even if the CMS so have an offset rule, remember that your claim against him and the arrears account will remain with CSA until 2017 if the arrears are not cleared but if he claims maintenance from you his claim with immediately be with CMS. Even if CMS do offset arrears CSA and CMS systems aren't linked so I don't see how that could be done.

If he is living with his dad (which must be hard for you but perhaps your relationship with your son will improve because of it?) then you need to sign over the Child Benefit. A call to the Child Benefit office will get it passed to him anyway- assuming you'd not lie to them. So it's easier to do it willingly. You also then need to pay him maintenance for your son. It will be about 15% of your wages reduced for the amount of time that he regularly stays with you overnight.

It's going to be shit because he owes you money and he doesn't work but I can't see what you can do if your son is adamant he wants to live there :(

theironinglady123 · 07/07/2014 14:47

Apologies for missed words, awful spelling and grammar- typing on my phone :(

Original poster

DollyTwat · 07/07/2014 17:35

I'll sign it over, ds1 seems pretty adamant he wants to stay. Even though we had a lovely weekend together.

I'm going to see if ex will have an agreement that he pays for ds1 and I'll pay for ds2. He will have more disposable income than me even though he's on benefits and if course he owes me so much money

Thanks for all your help everyone
I might use this thread to vent on every now and then. It's very hard to be the kind of co parent ex never was to me.
But I just couldn't act the way he has for 9 years

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sanfairyanne · 07/07/2014 22:25

will you have to let tax credits know as well?

whats the plan for him coming over to yours? hope things all work out

Original poster

DollyTwat · 08/07/2014 08:00

Yes I'll have to work out the childcare costs for just ds2, but I'd have had to do that anyway as ds1 refuses holiday clubs now!
I'll work out a plan with ex for him coming over to me often so I can make sure he he's ds2 - who is heartbroken too :(

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starlight1234 · 08/07/2014 11:35

I would also drop the subject of DS coming home. I would tell him if he wants to come home all he has to do is ask..It sounds like he doesn't want to and you pushing him will make matters worse. Simply try and enjoy your time with him.

I would also not even mention maintenance till he does. He sounds like the kind of guy who will go out for everything he can get.

Original poster

DollyTwat · 08/07/2014 17:04

Once I've signed the cb over I won't mention it again to him. It's so hard not to, but you're right, he's made a choice and I don't want him to feel bad about it.

I think I need to get an agreement that says we're each paying for the child who lives with us. He'll ask me for money anyway. God forbid he goes and gets a JOB!

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