please help, my head is all over the place

[OorWullie]

DS father was in my general vicinity at an event last night and it has opened a can of worms in my head that i feel needs dealt with now. He didn't know DS and i were there.

had posted in chat for traffic but only got one reply.

DS father was a one night stand, he did not know about the baby till after i'd had him, refused to speak to me and i left things there.

He contacted me just over a year ago, speaking as if nothing had happened, then when i spoke about DS he asked for a picture, said DS doesn't resemble him at all (true, DS looks so much like me it's hard to see anyone else in him at all) and basically denied responsibilty, didn't want to pursue anything. I made it clear that I don't want money and that I will not force any contact but that I am willing to prove paternity via DNA. He moved the conversation on to a bit of odd flirting and I stopped replying, he didn't contact me again.

DS is starting school after summer, he is happy in our little world just now and has not asked any questions but he is bound to start noticing the absence of his father soon. I'm not sure what I can tell him at this stage, and would appreciate any advice on how to handle his questions. I have no intention of lying to him but I don't want to confuse or hurt him, and I don't want to say anything bad about his father to him either.

I'm also feeling that I want a DNA test to prove paternity- I know the answer already but DS father denies it (and considering he doesn't know me or whatever else i may have been up to around the time, i can't blame him) and wasn't interested in taking it further. I feel that this would place the ball firmly in his court and any denial or detatchment would be his decidion and could not be put down to uncertainty.

I don't want to ask for maintainence or force contact but i feel i owe it to DS to have the facts there in black and white, maybe not now but for the future. Does anyone know the best way to do this without ending up going through court etc.

Any experience or advice anyone can share would be so appreciated, I want to contact the father this week and would like to have an idea of what is reasonable to expect.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far!

Blimey, can't pretend to have any real understanding of what you are going through, but I do think this: he slept with you. He knew sex leads to babies. He made one with you. His responsibility is equal to yours.

(Sorry but I loathe and despise men who think unprotected sex exists for the sole purpose of making them temporarily happy.)

You have every moral right to pursue him in any legal way you see fit - for child maintenance, paternity tests etc. In your shoes I'd do it very gently and calmly, and maybe even pysch him a little, suggest that he might one day regret not knowing his son.

You also have every right to say that your son will get interested in his father and to meet his emotional and developmental needs you'd like a photo and some basic medical information etc. His parents might want to know they have a grandchild too. It's only fair to them to tell them. He can't pretend your son does not exist.

As to what to tell your son? Just the truth. Your dad's name is x. He has x coloured hair and eyes. Tell him what you do know. Tell him a bit about meeting his dad, so he gets a sense of how he was made. If he asks why he isn't around, just say, some people who make babies aren't mummies and daddies. And he isn't a daddy. But he did help make you, so that was very good.

(That's how I used to explain friends who were adopted when the DC were small. Seemed to make sense to them, so left it at that.)

I think it hurts more because he has another son, older than DS who he appears to be involved with. I looked at his facebook and there are photos of them together.

I thought I had been trundling along just fine, I don't ever talk about DS dad to anyone, but have been discussing this with my own mum since last night and am all of a sudden feeling very overwhelmed by the prospect of dragging it all up. If it only affected me, I'd happily leave it in the past but that's not fair on DS at all.

I feel the responsibility lies with him to do the right thing re. paternal grandparents, and of course his sibling, of course that all depends on how well the conversation goes re. paternity test. Ideally, he will go ahead with it willingly but I don't know what to do if he doesn't.

I don't want to have a messy court battle and forever have a bad taste in both our mouths if he does end up being involved with DS but I cannot let it lie forever. If he is involved with DS I would hope we could be pleasant to each other and both be present at birthdays etc. There is no ill feeling between us and i don't want to be the catalyst in creating any (though i do realise it would be his fault if he backs me into that corner).

Thankyou for the advice on what to say to my son- i suspect he will still be without his dad when this is all by with, your words are perfect and are factual without being harsh.

When my dd started nursery she once asked why dont I have a daddy it shocked me as I wasnt expecting the question at such an early age but I judt said some people have daddys and some people dont. It seemed to be rnough at the time.

I always say we are best friend's and a team.

Shes started to see her dad about a year ago shes always chatty and friendly when he comes round. But when he goes she always says "mummy I like it just bieng me and you better" its like she knows its always been me and her and its never affected her not having a dad around for the first 4 years of her life.

Thanks misstired, sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter.

DS hasn't been affected by not having his dad aroubd but i know when he gets older the questions will come and i need to have answers that will satisfy him.

Wullie,
There's a lot of thinking out there that boys are fine without dads in the picture, so long as they get some really good male role models. So if there are good teachers, sports coaches, after school club leaders etc who are very positive and encouraging, they will show him what being a grown up man can be like.

I'm with DC's dad, but he is very silent, very introverted and not at all sporty, so I rely on the bloke who runs martial arts and the rock guitar teachers to show them it's OK to have a bit more pzazz! :)

Thanks threedeer! He is lucky to have a fantastic granda and uncle on my side, and he has swimming lessons with a male teacher who is really good, i've taken some comfort in that and I'm glad others think it'spositive.

Im not all that worried about him missing a male role model at the minute, just that he'll know he's different when he starts school- im the only single parent who has a child at the school (its tiny).