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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Do you ever think about having more babies?

17 replies

ICanHearYou · 01/07/2014 21:44

I have been a bit mournful today about the fact that I might not have anymore babies. I really wanted 4 but STBX husband wanted to stop at 3, we would still have had one more.

I don't want to be with him anymore and I love my little 2 bed council house which is perfect for raising my two boys but I have started thinking about the future and about wanting to have another baby and thinking that might not happen now.

just feeling a bit mopey about it and wondered if anyone else had these days?

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Smelsa · 01/07/2014 21:49

I do sometimes. I know realistically there is potential to have more but at the same time know that I'm too paranoid to trust a man around the child I already have so will never get to that stage with someone. I console myself with the idea of potentially purchasing sperm or something (but I know I won't really).

But yeah I do have those sad moments. Mostly after I've seen babies or someone I know announces a pregnancy.

frames · 01/07/2014 21:56

Yes. I have those moments, not really that I want to have any but the reality of the fact that I am now unlikely to have any more, hits me from time to time, and as great as my lone parent life is, it is always easy to think I might have followed another path, and been a mum to more, or had a dh who loved his family

yummytummy · 01/07/2014 22:00

i feel the same. i dont really want more but its awful to not even have the option and as someone said hard to trust another man enough to get to that stage anyway. and as time passes the age of being unlikely to be able to get pregnant is ever closer. it does hurt to not have what so many take for granted.

HorizontalRunningOnly · 01/07/2014 22:00

Yes I have this all the time, heightened by the fact I only have one and this was supposed to be out year to try for number 2. Ex left 10 months ago so newly single really. Doesn't help all but all of my friends with kids now have two children or are planning number 2. I'm still young at 29 but totally off men except my little ds. Maybe a good man will come by one day but I don't know how I will meet someone good enough for my son!

sillymillyb · 01/07/2014 22:04

I've been thinking about this just lately.

I was on my own when I was pregnant, and I sort of feel I've missed out on doing it "properly" I really just shut down for the whole pregnancy and early months. I'd love to do it again with joy and shared anticipation. I don't think I will ever let anyone close enough to me to do that though, so I'm sort of mourning it never happening.

I see how much pleasure ds gets from his cousins too, and I would love to give him a sibling.

On the other hand, I then watch obem and think thank feck I never have to go through that again, so there is a blessing in being single there somewhere

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 01/07/2014 22:04

well I am very recently single, we only split on the 23rd of May, I know we won't get back together though, he cannot give me what I need and I realise that.

I have to say though I don't worry about meeting someone who will be good enough for my kids, they have their dad and he is very involved, I would not be looking for a father figure for them, I suppose this is the first day I have really thought about perhaps having another relationship/child and what that might bring and, in turn, being concerned about my feelings if that doesn't happen.

I am trying to lose some weight at the moment so that I am comfortable with my own body but I think, perhaps around Christmas time, I will start going out and dating again.

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HorizontalRunningOnly · 01/07/2014 22:09

But if I bring a man permanently in to my life then that has a huge impact on my son. He has his dad too and has a good relationship, but if I met a man and wanted to have a child with them this new man would be my beloved ds step dad. I would have exceptionally high standards now before I would get in to that position mostly to protect by son. Whereas before I was more idealistic and romantic and only had myself to think of when choosing a partner.

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 02/07/2014 07:39

I would have high standards too, but for myself as much as my children .

I would expect someone to be settled in a career and happy, gentle and kind... Those are things I expect for myself though, not on behalf of my children so much.

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Lioninthesun · 02/07/2014 22:33

I think about this a lot too. I have considered adoption and may do that when DD is in school if nothing else presents. I also share the worries about another man in the house. Not only is his behaviour towards you impacting on the kids, but isn't there some figure about step parents being more likely to abuse kids who aren't their own (ea/dv etc)? The idea of giving her a father figure is great, but really I worry they would struggle coming so late to the parenting party to understand the trials entailed and would resent her (past relationships speaking here in part) and then I wouldn't want another with them in case of favouritism (not on my behalf obvs!). I think it is something you have to go into with eyes wide open and a huge chunk of realism with it - after all you don't want to be a single mum with 2 dads and repeating the pattern. It's a minefield, but I do get the pangs nonetheless.

Smelsa · 02/07/2014 22:35

That's what I worry about too, violence towards my dd like the sad stories in the news all the time. Or accidentally welcoming a predator into the home.

bibliomania · 04/07/2014 10:13

I have moments like this - and I'm 40 now, so not much of a window left. DD is 6, and keeps telling me that she would like a brother or sister, and it's not fair that she doesn't have any when her friends do.

BUT then I think how much work babies are - nappies and night-waking and potty-training etc etc - and how much easier things are with dd at this age. No squabbling and jealousy. Things are just so straightforward.

And like others, I can't imagine bringing a man into my home now. It's not so much that I'm afraid he'll be a predator, just that he'd have to be absolutely unbelievably wonderful for me to take that step. It just seems like a lot of hassle. All said and done though, there's a lot to be said for keeping it simple.

Lioninthesun · 05/07/2014 09:18

Yes they do seem to bring a lot of mess with them don't they? I think I have become too selfish/independent whatever you want to call it. I know where everything is, I know how I like my dishwasher stacked, I have downsized to a double as it is more than enough for one and I don't intend to share my wardrobe space or evenings to myself with anyone.
I think there is a lot to be said for those living apart together relationships. A guy in Holland is 'wooing' me a bit at the moment and I quite like the idea of just seeing him once a month...but then he says he wants 5 kids which makes me feel like a baby machine .
As biblio said, he'd need to be super special and fly in on his own helicopter

bibliomania · 05/07/2014 19:50

A part-time lover sounds fab, Lion!

Original poster

ICanHearYou · 05/07/2014 20:31

I would need someone with a big enough house for us to all move into! My little house can only cope with 3/4

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IUsedToUseMyHands · 06/07/2014 14:44

Oh definitely. Reading this thread has just made me a little tearful. So sad to think that LO will never have siblings. I can't afford two DC on my own though and it would be hard for DC2 if DC1 had a dad and he/she didn't.

Meglet · 06/07/2014 14:49

yes. And I had a hysterectomy 5 years ago so it ain't gonna happen.

I agree with lion that there's a part of me wanting to keep the dc's safe and away from someone who might mess up our lives anyway. So no step family either.

I do really want a little dog though .

Lioninthesun · 06/07/2014 21:15

Ah but Meglet a dog is for life so you don't have to worry about that one doing the dirty. Other than in the literal poop-scoop sense.
I agree one child having the full set of parents and the other not would also be heart breaking. As I said, I'd consider adoption in a couple of years as it seems to me to be the best way of making our family larger with hopefully potentially minimal distress and confusion.

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