Contact with new boyfriend?

[Johnogroats]

I have been speaking to a (male) friend about his situation. I honestly don't know what the right response is, so thought I would ask here.

He is in the middle of a messy divorce - the marital house has been sold and they will be moving to new houses over the summer. His almost exW had an affair (been going on for about a year), and has many issues - financial irresponsibility and drinking too much (at least a bottle of wine a day) - are 2 of them, all very probably linked to the fact that she is bi-polar.

So about 2 months ago she introduced their 3 DCs (10,9, 6) to her boyfriend (without consulting my friend), and then took them away for the weekend with the boyfriend, again without telling him. He thought they were all at the grandparents. The DCs told him later.

He is very unhappy about this. He has never met the boyfriend and doesn't really want to. He knows he cannot control what the exW does with the DCs when they are with her, but is very concerned about the long term impact on the DCS, one of whom is autistic (and not sure if this is linked) and is very emotional and has been on anti depresents for a while - this pre-dates the affair/divorce).

With all this in mind, should my friend ask to meet the boyfriend? Should he ask the one or 2 mutual friends who have met him what they think? Should he do nothing, and just hope the DCs are ok?

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

The child is on antidepressants?

What does he want to get out of meeting the boyfriend exactly?

My initial thoughts are to stay out of it unless there is going to be a real benefit to meeting the boyfriend. What exW does is up to her unless it is posing a real risk to the children.

I agree with Nomore. If it's the DC who have told their dad about the new boyfriend - how did they seem when mentioning it? If all seemed well then I'd let things be.

They seemed ok but somewhat confused and upset. They are getting mixed messages from their parents, and she refuses to engage in sensible discussions....it is a mess.

But thanks for your thoughts. I agree that it is best not to meet him - his concern is that the DCs will potentially be spending a lot of time with this man, and he has never ever met him. And he does not (for very good reason) trust his exW's judgement.

Unfortunately no, he doesn't have any right to vet who the children spend time with, any more than his ex can decide if and when they meet a new partner of his or hang out with other friends/family when they are staying with him.

If he has serious doubts about her ability to take care of the DCs while they are in her care due to alcohol or other issues then that is a different story, but he has no right to insist on meeting the new BF or to go asking around for references. If his ex is capable of looking after them then he has to accept that she will try to do what is best for them, while also maintaining a life of her own.

FWIW I mentioned to my ex when I started dating, just as a courtesy, and the DCs were introduced to my new DP after just a couple of weeks due to my babysitter letting me down, so we spontaneously decided to go out all together instead of just the two of us. There was no time to consider my ex's opinions on it.

If my ex met someone I would trust him to make a judgment on when and how to introduce them to the DCs and I certainly wouldn't insist on meeting her or being informed of his intentions beforehand.

If he doesn't trust her judgement and she is drinking constantly - does he trust the DC are ok in her care? If he's not worried about how they're cared for when with her and he has no concerns then really her introducing somebody new is none of his business - and I mean that kindly. The same goes if he meets somebody new.