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Lone parents

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Original poster

Don't want ex's partner involved with my 8 month old baby

16 replies

clareandbean · 08/09/2006 15:20

As usual it's complicated..... I got pregnant by my ex partner, we were in the process of splitting and he was in the process of getting together with his current girlfriend. I was alone all through the pregnancy, birth etc. He didn't contribute financially until she was 2 months old and didn't support me at all. Now she's 8 months old and he sees her occasionally, no formal agreement for contact in place, so she hardly knows him and he doesn't know what to do with her. He doesn't live with his girlf but lodges with a friend. He wants me to agree to him taking my baby off for the day to spend with him and his girlf. I have never denied him access but he comes and goes depending on his social calendar.
Am I being unreasonable in saying that he should get to know his daughter first before introducing her to someone else? Also the new girlf prevented him from being there for me during the pregnancy so I'm not happy about her at all.
It's all such a mess....

OP posts:

Mum2FunkyDude · 08/09/2006 15:24

You're not obliged to do anything that you do not feel comfortable with. If you feel your dd will benefit then that is your answer. If you feel uncomfortable allowing a stranger (new girlfriend) caring for dd then that will be your answer. If you want xp to be involved, ask him to do it on your terms.

HTH

bluejelly · 08/09/2006 15:25

God it's hard isn't it?
Personally I would be happy for my ex to involve a gf with my dd (likely to be more sensible than him) but I can see there are other issues there if they got together as you two were splitting up.
In the long run it's what's good for your dd that matters- -personally I don't think it will do her any harm at all to get to know another adult, but that's my own opinion!
I know it's hard being on your own with a baby-- you sound like you are doing really well.

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 08/09/2006 15:27

At 8 months old I wouldn't be letting her off with a total stranger tbh. I'd be trying to nail him down on exactly what level of commitment he wants to his dd and what consistent, reliable contact arrangements he's prepared to agree. Once he's shown that he's going to be a reliable presence in her life and he's a reliable carer for her, then you won't have a right to veto any introducations to third parties, but at this stage he sounds flaky flaky flaky.

alligator · 08/09/2006 15:32

Speaking as a step mum I'd say it is much better that he gets to know his son first before gf gets involved simply because he needs to understand what having a son means and the commitment involved and gf may end up being the one doing all the caring or possibly even looking after baby by herself, which in itself si not a problem, but not really the point of hte exercise (which is for him to get to know his child).

That is appaling English but am sure you get the drift.

Original poster

clareandbean · 08/09/2006 15:43

I'm against him involving her for a few reasons. Firstly I think that it will absolve him of the responsibility of caring for the baby on his own, which is what I do. Secondly she is baby for god's sake, not a small child, and he is incapable of looking after her out of her own environment as he has only seen her in my house up to now. She doesn't know him because he doesn't come to see her often enough and when he does stays for 2 hours max. The final reason is that I cannot bear the thought of him and his gf playing happy famillies with my baby, the child he told me to abort and with the woman he basically decided to shack up with only 2 weeks after I told him I was pregnant. Obviously I'm holding alot of bitterness but isn't that to be expected???

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 08/09/2006 18:27

He needs to learn about looking after babies on his own, not foist them on to his girl friend or mother. He can start doing that by having her for a few hours when she won't be around, may be even at your place and then take her out to the park and perhaps at the place he lodges at for short periods for a good long while first. At 8 months I was still breastfeeding so I would have found it very hard to give my ex husband very long periods of contact.

noonar · 08/09/2006 18:37

You poor thing. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and if i were you i'd be thinking i had the right to veto whatever i bloody well liked. sod being reasonable.

also, is his home geared up for caring for a baby? if and when he forks out on all the necessary stuff to meet her physical needs at his home, then maybe he can start talking about proper access. till then it has to be on your terms completely.

also,if this woman was obstructive during your pg, why should you accomodate her now?

HappyMumof2 · 08/09/2006 18:42

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 09/09/2006 10:01

..obviously all that advice is subject to any court orders which might well say a father is perfectly entitled to see his baby with his girlfriend present or not, just as you could see your daughter and have a boyfriend around too.

gigglinggoblin · 09/09/2006 10:16

i dont think i would be worrying about the new gf at all yet tbh, until he has regular contact and she knows who he is my argument against him taking her is that i would not hand my baby over to someone she doesnt know. if he wants to make the effort then several months in the future i would consider discussing with him whether or not he can have her for a full day.

gigglinggoblin · 09/09/2006 10:20

forgot to say i was in a similar situation except there was no gf involved, split up when baby was 2 weeks old. he took me to court and i suggested meeting at a contact centre and staying while he got to know baby and court went along with that. there have been so many threads on here where women are being threatened with court - they go on common sense and its really not that much of a threat tbh

HappyMumof2 · 09/09/2006 11:11

Message withdrawn

Original poster

clareandbean · 09/09/2006 18:38

Unfortunately I don't have any family nearby and nor does he. My friends are reluctant to get involved as they feel they would not be able to control their anger in his presence! I think that his committment is in question and as I've been very accommodating so far, I've never denied him access to his daughter, I've let him in my house so that he could spend time with her when she was little, I've had his parents to visit and his sister and family in my house but he just wants control over me. He was even offered paternity leave by his employers even though technically he's not entitled and he didn't use it at all. I suppose it all depends on the solicitors and how good they are. But neither of us can afford that. I am happy for him to see his daughter whenever he wants, the only stipulation is that his gf is not involved YET.

OP posts:

mumandlovingit · 09/09/2006 19:46

completely agree with fluffycharlottecorday
im in process of making a go of things with my ex, we were only apaprt a few weeks but he saw someone else then and i made certain that the time spent with our children she wasnt there.its always harder when that person was around when the breakup happened than just afterwards,id make sure he stuck to regular arrangements on his own first.make sure the child is comfortable with going with him let alone another woman.
good luck.remember, he cant force you to do anything you dont want to.you have to be happy with the arrangement.

PrettyCandles · 09/09/2006 19:56

On another level, eight months is a really bad time to start being cared for by (effectively) strangers, particularly ones with no childcare experience, because your dd probably already has or about to develop separation anxiety.

That seems to me a very good reason why not to agree to allow your ex and his gf to take your dd away from you for any length of time.

MummyandJess · 09/09/2006 21:01

Call me un-reasonable but I completely agree with you clareandbean I wouldn't want anyone else playing happy families with my baby. I am dreading the day that my ex get a partner and my dd is off round there! I agree with who ever made the statement about him getting to know his daughter 1st before anything else and imo he should have bladdey done that already with her being 8 months old!! Sorry if I have come across as being rude I never intended it that way

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