contact for newborn

[gotagoldtoof]

I split with husband about three weeks ago, and am expecting our third baby in two weeks. Ex has been playing some nasty games with me saying he will go abroad/kill himself/we will never see him again - so I am not sure what contact will entail long term. For now I have been dropping children to mils and he has been seeing them there.

What contact is reasonable to propose when the new baby is born? I bf my older two, and although I expressed and left them with their father at a young age, now that we're separated I do not want to do this. I also don't want him in my home. Any advice? Many thanks.

I think you need to speak to a family lawyer to be perfectly honest. We can give our views, but they are not going to mean much in comparison to sound legal advice. It will also give you confidence to know where you stand legally when you are proposing certain contact arrangements. Make sure that you print out e-mails/take screen shots of the sort of nasty things he has been saying - that shows emotional abuse/manipulation and also mental imbalance. The lawyer will be able to advise what effect this has on access agreements.

Considering the child isn't even born yet, it would be utterly unreasonable to expect unaccompanied access for the first few months. This is because newborns require feeding even few hours (as well you know with 2 kids), and if you are breastfeeding, you simply cannot NOT feed your child for hours at a time. Firstly, if you are choosing to breastfeed then you won't want your child having formula on a regular basis, and secondly, if you want to breastfeed then you have to breastfeed all the time to maintain your milk supply. Plus you are going to be fucking shattered so it's unreasonable to expect you to go under extra stress just to accommodate your ex.

So for the first few months I would suggest that you say that you will try and have accompanied visits every couple of weeks or so for the reasons outlined above, and then this can be increased once you stop breastfeeding. If you don't want him in your home then you could ask your MIL whether you could use her home as "neutral ground" so to speak.

But really, do go and see a good family lawyer as soon as possible. Also, if you don't want him at the hospital when you give birth (which is your right - you are under NO obligation to have someone there who is going to cause you stress), make sure you inform the hospital in advance.

Thank you very much for the advice kay. I am going to talk with his and my family about a plan for after the birth, and see if we can come to an arrangement amicably. I'm quite familiar with family law, for work, and know it can be pricey to go for orders etc, however it would be worth paying for the initial advice from a family lawyer as you suggest.

I am planning a home birth, and won't be informing him when I go into labour. I am birthing alone, my family will look after the children. I feel sad that I am going to have to see him so soon after the birth of my new baby given that he has been so abusive recently, but I suppose that is life as a separated parent. Thanks again.

You see him when you are good and ready after the birth. Any lawyer and HCP would back you during this hideously emotional time especially with the abuse that you have had from him lately.

I had second dd after I split with ex and although he saw dd1 he didn't get much contact with dd2 until she was 6 months - that was just the way it was. A couple of hours on a Friday afternoon then dropped her back and took dd1 for over night stay.

Ex never took it to solicitors and tbh if he had then it would have taken months to get to court by which time all would have been OK anyway

Sorry that this is happening to you, its not an easy time for you...

A side issue, but you mentioned you were birthing alone. That's fine if that's what you want, but there might be student doulas or people like that nearby who would be a birthing partner for you at a low cost if that is something that might help you.