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Lone parents

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Original poster

Fathers day card to my ex from baby????

25 replies

elliefant · 14/06/2014 10:12

My baby is too young to make her father a card or pick one out in the shop - so do I buy one on her behalf even though I do not think getting a card with ' to my amazing/wonderful/fantastic daddy' is exactly appropriate!!??
Even though we were meant to be a couple whilst I was pregnant he was not involved in the pregnancy plus he wasn't there during labour (baby was not planned, a total surprise and he's made it quite clear to anyone that would listen the baby was very much my mistake!!!).
We split up when baby was a few months old and sees her most weekends for 1-2 hours as he says that's his duty- he does absolutely nothing for her despite me trying to encourage it although he does pay maintenance.
She has no idea this man who visits every week is daddy!!
My friends say its wrong if I don't get a card because it's fathers day and that's what you do! Any-one else have this dilemma??

OP posts:

RedJeans · 14/06/2014 10:21

Did he get you a card from her for Mother's Day?? (If she had been born by then) if not absolutely don't bother!
Otherwise I suppose it would be a nice gesture, but completely depends on whether your relationship with him is civil or not.

rocketghirl · 14/06/2014 10:21

Did he give you a Mother's Day card? Mine didn't but I've still got him a card but no gift. I made sure the card had no 'wonderful dad' messages, just plain, and the girls can scribble what they want on. Nearly got nothing for him though, but I'm not like him

greeneggsandjam · 14/06/2014 10:26

I don't know why you would even consider it. She can give him one when he is older if she wants to.

clam · 14/06/2014 10:41

Why on earth would you want to? He sounds like no father to me.

nomoretether · 14/06/2014 11:48

I always have given one from my DC to their dad. It's nothing to do with me, it's between them and their dad, I just facilitate it.

DHs exW uses it in a weird way - she buys a card but then the children don't even write in it even though they're old enough and she puts her name in it even though they haven't spoken in two years. Birthday cards are similar and addressed to his name and not "Dad". Bizarre.

Pregnantberry · 14/06/2014 12:00

Can you try and manoeuvre future fathers/mothers days/birthdays etc. into your DC getting something for you with someone from your family (your mum, for example) and leaving it up to his side to sort out presents for him?

It works well this way between my stepson's parents - it probably makes the whole experience nicer for him actually because he can buy a card/present with someone who isn't being fake about wanting to make mothers/fathers day nice.

On a side note, I sent my Dad a card this year from Paperchase which said "Of all my parents, you're definitely in the top two". Maybe this is what you need?

Original poster

elliefant · 14/06/2014 12:23

Thanks ladies - no he didn't get me a mothers day card but I wasn't expecting one that he bought and I don't want that to be the reason why I don't get him one. If he was a great father than I would def buy one on her behalf as a sign of love and appreciation! I think the sentiment should come from her when she's old enough to make up her own mind. I've never had to worry about this before its hard to know what's the 'right' thing to do regardless of my feelings!! X

OP posts:

Zucker · 14/06/2014 12:28

No you don't need to do that, when your little one is in school she can make her own card for him.

Meeeep · 14/06/2014 14:46

If he was more involved I would say get a card but quite honestly he doesn't sound like he makes any effort with your daughter so why bother?

FWIW I've never got my DDs Dad a card but then she doesn't see him.

Kerryp · 14/06/2014 14:52

Would I fuck!!!! Lol.

Helpys · 14/06/2014 14:57

Nope.

EdithWeston · 14/06/2014 15:01

I would.

This is not about 'rewarding him', it's about what sort of example you set your DD. OK, she's small enough not to notice right now. But better to set a pattern you want to endure. And marking birthdays, Christmas and even modern inventions like Father's Day is part of that. One day she will be big enough to notice her respective parents' actions and be acute in drawing conclusions about what values they represent.

BeanyIsPregnant · 14/06/2014 15:06

I would, and maybe include a picture of her.. You and him are going to have to deal with each other for at least 18 more years..... May as well try and be nice and also, I think it makes you the bigger person- no tit for tat 'I didn't get a Mother's Day card' just you making an effort because of your dd..

Rummikub · 14/06/2014 15:09

Maybe do a handprint card from your baby?
I couldnt buy a Father's Day card with all the wonderful dad stuff on.

LadySybilLikesCake · 14/06/2014 15:12

I never had (my ex see's ds for an hour every 18 months - 3 years). He stopped paying maintenance as he didn't feel appreciated [there's no WTF emoticon]. I wouldn't. Save your time and money and spend it on your child. Anyone can be a father, it takes time and effort to be a daddy.

Kundry · 14/06/2014 15:15

No I wouldn't. She's a baby, she doesn't have a clue about Fathers Day. Any card would be about your relationship with him, not hers.

Leave making a decision until she at least knows what a father and a card is.

LadySybilLikesCake · 14/06/2014 15:17

Some children never learn what a father is, Kundry

Kerryp · 14/06/2014 15:21

Isn't that the fathers fault?

Original poster

elliefant · 14/06/2014 15:24

I don't think its about reward - I thought it was about appreciation? If you love and appreciate your relative/friend then you show how much by buying a card and/or gift etc? Btw I don't have parents I've never had to buy something on mothers/fathers day. I have older children from my ex husband - I cannot remember what I did when really small but when they were older they made/bought cards themselves and still do. My ex and I have such a strained relationship which is making it harder I think.

OP posts:

LadySybilLikesCake · 14/06/2014 15:25

Absolutely. So why should they receive a card?

LadySybilLikesCake · 14/06/2014 15:31

A feckless father isn't the same as one who's willing to spend time supporting a child though, so there's not a great deal to appreciate. It's the RP who's there when the child is sick, there to take them to school etc, a feckless father doesn't do any of this, so what's there to appreciate?

If my ex had called ds even monthly to see how he was and to guide him, like a parent should, or emailed/skyped him or made some sort of effort to put him first then I'd have no hesitation in helping ds send him a card.

Kundry · 14/06/2014 15:41

Well if the child doesn't know what a father is, the father can't expect a card saying 'Best Dad in the World' can he?

LadySybilLikesCake · 14/06/2014 15:50

Someone needs to explain that to my ex

A small baby isn't aware of what a father is either, so it would be wrong to give a card 'from them'.

starlight1234 · 14/06/2014 22:30

I wouldn't..I had to send a granddad card once to a granddad who had never met DS..I couldn't find one that just said happy birthday so I made a card myself. Pretended DS had drawn it he would of been about 1...Made it look like he drew it. No nice sentiments..Solved the problem but gave me a little satisfaction.

You can do what is right for you..It does set a bit of a precedent for further years. Don't assume schools will do anything. My Ds's teacher in reception said they tend to gloss over fathers day as it gets too complicated. Nurserys do tend to do it though

pinkbear82 · 14/06/2014 23:05

My little girl has just turned 1, her dad threw us out on Mother's Day, my first, I didn't get anything. except a lot of answers, which I already knew much to his surprise However, I have done a handprint card with her, and he will get that. Because I'm better than he is, and I don't want to ever feel I didn't do something while she's small to help her relationship with her dad... When she's older she can do as she pleases.

Present wise, I may, I haven't decided yet, do a picture for him from her first birthday party... Which he couldn't come to as he was busy... Some men don't deserve half the thought we put into them!

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