ex mil, advice please, how to handle?

[curlygiraffe]

Hi, I split from exP a year ago, since then I've barely had contact from ex mil, we never really got on and I found her very controlling, she had a bad effect on ex and my relationship, I'd say exPs reluctance to stand up to her contributed to the end of our relationship.

A couple of weeks ago I posted ex mil some paintings ds (aged 2) had done, I haven't sent any previously but thought it unlikely ExP would have given any to his mum. In response to my 'kindness' ex mil has sent me a long email, highlighting the importance of grandparents, saying she's barely seen d's since he was born (she lives a couple of hours away) etc.

ExP has ds every Sunday, he almost always has ds at my house as I go to work that day, plus ex lives an hour away, has no cot, highchair (and probably no food...) in the house, so it makes sense all round that ex spends the day at my house, plus it gives ds continuity. I've made clear to ex that mil is welcome to come too, or they could go out for the afternoon to one of the numerous local cafes, soft play etc if mil doesn't feel comfortable in my house.

But in her email, mil complains as if I'm depriving her contact actually the arrangement works well for ds, ex and I.

I'm tempted to give her a very short, polite, reply, along the lines of 'ds dad has ds every Sunday, it's probably best that you speak to him to arrange seeing ds'.

How do you handle ex mil?

Mine did the same, only in a birthday card sent to ds ds is 15, asking him to get in touch (she'd send him some money if he did) as she missed him terribly. It was manipulation 101. I sent her a text, saying he'd received her card and she was welcome to come and visit. We haven't heard back from her and it's been months. It's clearly her terms or nothing and my life's too short. She's 45 mins away and has relatives who live 10 minutes away from ds and I. She also drives so there's no excuse really.

I'd tell her to get in touch with her son about contact. It's not your responsibility to maintain contact between your child and your ex's mother.

I think your idea sounds very sensible. It's up to your exp to sort her out, not you. If your arrangement works well for you both then there's no reason to change it at all. As you've said, She's very welcome to come over when exp visits

Exactly as you say.

Highlight that your Ex has regular contact with your son and that she is more than welcome to speak directly to him to arrange contact.
In the meantime send her regular painings and email some photographs.
In the absence of you having a decent relationship with her that's the absolute limit of what I would expect at this stage.
If it turns out that your Ex is making contact difficult for her, then you may have to rethink.

If she's very controlling then personally I wouldn't want to invite her into my home. That's inviting more problems. Does she have boundary issues? I'm guessing she does seeing as she interfered with your relationship with exP. ExP can take DS to see her on his Sunday if he wants instead. You're not stopping contact at all.

If the email was ranty at you ie pointing out your failings, then I would ignore her and not send anything directly to her. Again exP can give her paintings etc, you don't have to have contact.

It really depends on your relationship with exMIL and if you want a relationship with exMIL?

Thanks, I've been thinking through your replies! I don't want contact with ex mil, I have no problem with her seeing ds, but having spoken to exP he's suddenly decided our existing arrangement is depriving his parents contact as they only want to see ds in his house and not visit my town...so now I need to agree he can take ds to his town, where no doubt he'll feed him junk (as he never has food in the fridge and usually eats mine when he has ds...) I'm also worried as ex is a bad driver and his car is barely road worthy :-(