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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Found out 8wk pregnant after long distant relationship ended

21 replies

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 19:29

Up until recently I was in a long distant relationship I live near manchester he lives in London , we was together 18months seeing each other every 2 weeks as he has 3 children and has them at weekends. Everything was going well it was difficult at times but we fought through it as we loved each other and wanted to be together and eventually move in together . Few weeks ago he ended it as when he was up North his daughter fell and cut her knee and his ex made him feel guilty , he said he was sacrificing our relationship for his children . 2 weeks ago I found out I'm 6 wk pregnant now 8. He wants me to have an abortion , we met at the weekend and feeling flooded back and we ended up together for the night , he says he doesn't want me to have anybody else but didn't say he wanted me neither and if I go through with abortion he will be there for me but he's not 100% he will be there if I have the baby , I'm confused and hurt and stuck, I already have 2 children age 11 and 6 . feel so lost and don't know what to do ! Help!!

OP posts:

justmuddlingalong · 09/06/2014 19:33

Make your decision without him in the picture. His excuse for finishing it is weak. Stop sleeping with him. He's taking the piss. Get support from friends or family. Don't rely on him, either way.

mipmop · 09/06/2014 19:33

Be glad you're rid of him and don't look back. Decide what you want to do about the pregnancy without considering him (difficult I know). The man is not a catch. Look after yourself and your children, don't expect him to "come through for you", he will do whatever suits himself.

Boudica1990 · 09/06/2014 19:37

As selfish as this sounds, eliminate him from the decision for now. Ask yourself can you support a child on your own? Are you happy to have another child? If you chose an abortion is this a agreement you are happy with?

At the end of the day it is your body, so ultimately your choice. I know it's a hard one but you have to decode what you want. Are you prepared to be a lone parent?

I found out I was pregnant after 7months in to my new relationship, DP did ask if I would consider an abolition. I said I needed time to think, I asked myself could I cope alone if I must, the answer was yes. I told my DP an abortion was not what I wanted, so I continued with the pregnancy luckily with the support of DP who at first was reserved but is now happy and at ease with our decision.

You really need to decide what you want. Massive hugs to you. Xx

rootypig · 09/06/2014 19:41

Sorry that you're going through this whalley

I think that the decision whether or not to have the baby is ultimately yours, because it's your body. If you decide to have the baby, I think it has to be on the basis that you may be doing it alone. Equally I think if you decide to continue with your relationship, it has to be because you both want to, not out of a sense of obligation or duty to the child.

Saying that he doesn't want anyone else to have you is not on. If you're not together it's nothing to do with him. Coupled with what sounds like some pressure or even emotional blackmail (? - not sure if I'm understanding what you've said about him promising to be 'there for you' if you have an abortion, but not if you don't) to have an abortion, and the to-ing and fro-ing with his ex and kids, he doesn't sound like the best partner.

You say that he wants you to have an abortion, but you don't say what you want to do about the pregnancy. Do you know?

Original poster

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 19:48

I knew he would mess with my head and set myself up for it this weekend , I'm trying to take him out the picture I'm not the best decision maker as it is and I'm trying to think of pros and cons of either way. I know I shouldn't but i think what People would say having a baby on my own. he knew I was vulnerable this weekend and should of stopped it but you can't help your feelings right ? What gets me mad is that he's a good dad so how could he be so cruel to this baby that didn't ask for this !

OP posts:

Boudica1990 · 09/06/2014 19:54

:( I'm sorry he is messing with you so much, do you think you'd be able to cut contact for a bit get some space away from him and his input and take time alone to think? Do you think you could do this personally?

I would really concentrate on you and what you want. Fuck what other people think, it's not their body or baby, it's yours.

Original poster

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 19:56

When I told him I was pregnant he made it quite clear (cruelly) that this wouldn't get us back together . He said if I have the abortion he would be there for it and come and visit us once in a while as he isn't looking for anybody else. But If I was too keep him he doesn't know if he'd be there for either of us. I am a single mother already so I know I could cope with a baby only own and have friends and family to suppose me , I just don't know if I'd want to. My mind keeps changing all the time probably with the influence of him, I think your right I need to look at this as me being on my own and take him out the picture. It's such a difficult decision to make

OP posts:

rootypig · 09/06/2014 19:56

Forget him and why he's behaving as he is. It won't get you anywhere.

What people think - I understand that this is on your mind, but I'd try to push it out if I were you. This is either your pregnancy or your abortion, and all that matters is that you're ok with your choice either way.

You're in a good position to make this decision, because you've got two kids so you know what it's like. So

Could you financially support your kids and this baby on your own?
Can you do the sleepness nights, feeds, all that stuff on your own?
Do you have a good support network of family and friends around you?
Can you have a reasonable relationship with this man as the father if he does want to be involved, but not as your partner-? Can you handle him to-ing and fro-ing and pissing about? because that's what he's doing here and it sounds like that's what his ex is accusing him of?

Re the last one - did you discuss the possibility that you would choose to continue with the pregnancy, and what he would want in that situation?

mipmop · 09/06/2014 19:58

Try to stop analysing his behaviour , get yourself to a GP and try to get some pregnancy counselling.

Boudica1990 · 09/06/2014 20:04

Whalleyhun he's basically said he dosnt want a relationship by the looks of things, you can't be strung along like he is attempting, it's not good for you, your mental health or self esteem. He can't have his cake and eat it.

You have raised 2 children as a lone parent, you are a strong woman. Leave him to it, decide what you want for you and your family.

I understand the flipping between yes and no, I did it for about 2 weeks, but I ultimately decided I made my baby, I had to put up with the consequences of my own actions.

Personally I think you are better off without, you don't need the hassle of a man flipping between wanting to be there or not, you deserve better. Xx

Original poster

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 20:15

Ok so pushing him aside - yes I can cope financially and deal with sleepless nights and have very supportive friends and family who say they will be there for me. Nobody will be there constantly tho and I think this is what frightens me. Regarding his "choice " to end it his ex said he put me first before the children which was nonsense as he never missed seeing them and I never asked him too, I'm not like that. she clicked her fingers he went running that's what was alway like I put up with that as a consequence , his kids came first I knew that and accepted that. When I first told him I was pregnant he was dead against being in the babies life if I continued now when we spoke he said he couldn't say.

OP posts:

Original poster

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 20:20

Thankyou Boudica I think you are right I do deserve better . also did you choose to have your baby alone?

OP posts:

rootypig · 09/06/2014 20:21

Well it sounds like if you decided to continue with the pregnancy you could cope brilliantly, though I understand how hard it is noone being there constantly (LP for a while). It is tough.

If I were your pal though, I'd be more worried about how you were going to deal with this bloke messing you about, as it sounds he's bound to. Re the ex, she might be a pita but his behaviour and choices about you and his kids is down to him and noone else.

Original poster

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 20:27

Thankyou rootypig , I think my friends are a little worried about me , doesn't help with my emotions everywhere and me still in love with him and wanting him to change his mind. Maybe I am focusing on that too much. For him to sleep with me and too still continue to try persuade me to have an abortion says at lot . Think I need to wake up and smell the coffee,

OP posts:

Boudica1990 · 09/06/2014 20:29

Don't worry about someone not being around permanently, my DP due to his work will only be with me on weekends and sometimes we will have months apart.

Ultimately you have to sit down, I wrote a list pros and cons and worked through them all, I sat awake till about 3am at the kitchen table working through it.

Whatever decicion you make, must be the best for you and no one else. Take time, have you thought about speaking to the gp or mental health nurse?

Boudica1990 · 09/06/2014 20:36

I didn't continue it alone I'm afraid DP stayed with me because he wanted to not because there's a baby in the mix however.

But given his career there will be points where I am alone for months on end, however this obviously dosnt compare to your situation.

Take the time to think of you and your family, what you want xx

Original poster

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 20:36

My next move was to do the pros and cons list , my sister thought was a waste of time she is against the abortion as it goes . I understand how tough it is the long distant relationship was hard enough. Maybe I should see a professional I just don't want to look weak and a failure

OP posts:

Boudica1990 · 09/06/2014 20:40

Its not looking weak, it is taking time to discuss and truly think out a very big life decision, there is nothing weak about it hun. Consulting a professional of anything is one of the wisest and strongest decisions inmy opinion.

DDon't let others pro life or pro choice opinions effect your decision, opinions are like arse holes every one has one. I'm sure if you cam to the decision to have a abortion and you explained your reasons to your sister she will understand. Xx

Original poster

whalley84 · 09/06/2014 20:47

I know it's my choice , i need to make the decision , sick of feeling so upset and hurt , I'm constantly crying , maybe I will book to see gp for advise tomorrow , xx

OP posts:

rootypig · 09/06/2014 21:15

I think the GP appt and pregnancy counselling sounds like a great idea.

You're not weak and you're not a failure. You're reeling from the breakdown of a relationship and struggling to make a difficult decision. No shame in any of this whatsoever

Boudica1990 · 09/06/2014 21:23

Think the gp is the best, and we'll done for deciding to go, it's a big step.

Have a nice cup of sweet tea and relax, take your time. Xx

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