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Lone parents

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Original poster

Am I the only on..?

11 replies

NatalieMc82 · 06/06/2014 16:10

Am I the only one who can be exhausted and at the end of my tether with the DCs, but as soon as they leave with STBXH I'm absolutely bereft? Not like they are small either - 12 and 7.
Also really struggling to be civil at hand over, I know (head and heart) that I need to be, but it is sooo hard, especially when I feel out of pocket (yet again) due to his financial, and other, mistakes.
Please no lectures on importance of contact as know this and give it with no restrictions, just need some support, advice and tips as fairly new to this situation..

OP posts:
RedBushedT · 06/06/2014 21:37

Hi Natalie, I'd say that was normal. It's a really tough transition as it's like switching between two people. The Mum persona and the individual you persona.
That's what I found anyway. It did settle down over time as I relaxed into my own routine. I know it's a cliché to say "be kind to yourself" but it's also true in this instance. Separation is tough, you are in unchartered territory and it will take time to find your own way to manage things. Try to plan things for when the children are not with you. I find being home alone makes me feel worse, so I do lots of things either alone or with friends.
The bitterness at handover is hard. I still seethe internally and it's been over 2 years! I tend to try to open the door, say hi and then walk away. That way I don't need to make polite chit chat while my brain plays psycho music to me Grin

Hope this helps!

CagneynotLacey · 07/06/2014 07:58

I agree with redbush. Plan fun things for your child-free time; maybe make a list of options through the week as they occur to you. It can be as simple as looking round a shop that would be easier without dc or reading the papers in a café. I find this helps a lot. The temptation is to do housework or jobs that are easier without children but it is much much better for you to do something fun - meet a friend, go to cinema etc.
And also agree that keeping personal contact is helpful. Your dc are a bit bigger so not the need for helping with coats etc. Keeping a distance physically may help emotionally. Good luck with it all. It WILL get better

starlight1234 · 07/06/2014 10:23

I always used to keep in my head that if my DS ever gets married I don't want him to feel he can't have both parents there...He was a baby at the time but it seemed to help for some reason.

I also remember talking to him singing "your a wanker" over and over again in my head. but be careful it doesn't pop out your mouth

Happybeard · 07/06/2014 12:13

Yep I'm there right now. Have had the most awful week with dd, her behaviour has been truly awful and we've had screaming rows every day.
I couldn't wait to get rid of her but now I'm sat on the sofa (evening plans have been rained off) feeling so sad and missing her. In reality it's more the feeling that we had a horrible week and now she'll be having a lovely weekend somewhere else Sad not that I don't want her to have a lovely weekend of course!

Original poster
NatalieMc82 · 10/06/2014 13:07

Thank you so much!
Nice to feel that I'm not alone, and yep housework / bulk cooking etc always call, but then end up grumpy that I've spent my time doing that!
Determined that this weekend is going to be better..
Thanks again to everyone x

OP posts:
rainbowshine1 · 10/06/2014 14:08

You say youre struggling to be civil at handover, social services advised me to meet in a car park (supermarket), out of one car in the other, kids take with them a note pad, anything he needs to know, I write in there and visa versa.
Might help.

starlight1234 · 12/06/2014 18:58

Maybe you need to actually put some time aside to do something you would enjoy

Minime85 · 13/06/2014 06:19

Hi Natalie yes I completely empathise. I'm so used to bring with them as before split it was often just them and I that I find this time not seeing them so hard.

Yet yesterday morning all they did was bicker before I dropped them off in the morning knowing I wouldn't see them until Saturday afternoon!

I plan ahead and fill my time by visiting friends, started to go out for walks/runs, been on a couple of dates! I find Sundays the hardest of all Hmm

Original poster
NatalieMc82 · 13/06/2014 17:17

So it's Friday again, DSs are off with STBXH and I'm checking in with MN before heading up to visit a friend for a glass of wine!! Thanks for the advice, and was even able to be pleasant and friendly at pick-up!

OP posts:
starlight1234 · 13/06/2014 19:54

enjoy your night out..

RedBushedT · 14/06/2014 08:55

That's great Natalie. Hope you had a great night out. Well done on being pleasant at handover, but don't beat yourself up if you can't always be. Smile

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